So we had to call church off Sunday, 12/9, due to raining ice. I know that is sleet but that small word does not seem to grasp the concept of a thunder storm with thunder and lighting and falling ice. I can't remember if sleet like this is a common thing here in Oklahoma. I have been gone too long.
So, we had to call church off. I was relieved. I had just flown in from NYC and a week of an intense Theology of Mission class, several interviews, seeing old friends and trying to figure out "What Jennifer Wants"
I interviewed for the Deaconess Program as well as the Church and Community worker program. A good move for me as of two weeks ago. And the interviews went really well, but a couple of factors have since popped up. But back to my church first.
So, we had to call church off Sunday. I was relieved but a part of me was really annoyed. It was the second Sunday in Advent and I had to miss last Sunday Dec 2 due to the New York trip so I didn't get to be there for the 1st Sunday in Advent. I am concerned that my church has no idea that Advent has started. I have no idea what Dec 2's preacher preached on. I hope she mentioned Advent had started. My church seems to be unconcerned with the liturgical calendar except for the big days. Christmas pageant day and Easter. I am worried that they haven't got the candles out and I wanted to preach about J the Baptist and prison. I visited a prison on Staten Island as part of the class in NYC.
But the other part of me will be tickled pink if I have to miss church for the entire month of Dec. I am hoping this is the case.
If I was actually split in two, things would go a lot better for me. Then I wouldn't have to choose. Part of me could stay and do the pastor thing and the other could leave Oklahoma guilt free.
So the question is easy, What Does Jennifer Want, but I find the answer is complicated. I want to be of service to my conference. That has always been my deepest desire. Or rather I want to be of service to the church really but that means my conference. I am proud of my upbringing, of how my conference, the people that have helped shaped me into the person I have become. Not the unable to make a decision person but the one that has been in service to the church for this long and who survived Drew to get my MDiv. If it were not for my conference, I am not sure I would have even been in church service. I owe so much to them and I want to "give back."
But I was happy during my week in NYC. It wasn't easy, it never was. I hate being so far from my mom. I miss being surrounded by Indians. I feel misunderstood most of the time when I talk. But I was happy. I am not sure how and why.
My life is pressure.
It seems everyone has a firm opinion about the trajectory of my life.
My life has been lived in a fishbowl yet so many secrets have to be kept.
Church politics has always been apart of my life and I am a political person. I suppose some might say manipulative, even. All for Christ, though. :)
So, I want to be happy but I fear that the things that make me happy are unhealthy.
Or am I healthy because I can keep myself together despite all that pressure? I can survive in that type of environment. Maybe. I am going to go watch Psych and not think about this til tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Running Down A Dream
I should warn you that I am a little rambly and disjointed in this post. I blame the cold weather.
I attended another revival. It was at an old school Creek Church. My mom talked me into going and I kinda forgot the church was old school. We got there early-ish so there was no one seating anyone. So we sat on the second row until it was time to start. This guy walked up to us and pointed at us both and then pointed to the front. He didn't have that big stick but he didn't need it. It was sorta there in spirit. We didn't argue and quickly moved to the pews up front on the side of the pulpit.
I am still getting used to being a pastor. Other people are far more comfortable with my label than I am. I still cringe when someone refers to me as Rev.
Our preacher for the night was a young guy about 30. There are 3 of us in our early 30s in my conference. Almost everyone else is older than us by at least two decades. I still get freaked out by this fact.
The preacher preached without using his Bible. I was stunned. I mean, he had his Bible and made references to it but never actually opened it up. The church we were at prides itself on tradition. Doing things the way they have always done things and it's well, old school. But that wasn't all. The preacher told this church that they needed to wake up and change if there were going to reach Native people of today. I was in front facing the pulpit too afraid to look to my right at the people in the church to see how they were taking it.
It was true, though. What he was preaching. Because I have been preaching it in my church. But even I, and I consider myself to be quite ballsy, would not have had the nerve to preach that message in that way to that church. It scared me a little but it inspired me as well. In fact, when the church asked me to bless the food afterwards and I literally had to choke back the sermon that wanted to come. I am still laughing about that. I almost got filled with the spirit praying for food.
I am headed for NYC this Saturday for a week and will miss Communion sunday. I don't mind missing the preaching but I will miss doing the Communion.
I am completly at a loss at what I am doing with the trajectory of my life. Part of me keeps thinking, what if I am wrong. The other part is saying lighten up. I keep thinking back to the last 7-8 years of my life. If anything, I have learned that I do not HAVE TO keep a job that is detrimental to me or my health. I do not HAVE TO do anything. I do not HAVE TO keep a job that makes me unhappy. I am in pursuit of a job that does not make me unhappy. I don't know if I am pursuing happiness but I do know I don't HAVE TO be unhappy. But what if I am wrong. I guess I could turn out to be wrong but in the end I will be glad that I took the time and effort to find out. I am worth the effort to find out if there is something more.
I attended another revival. It was at an old school Creek Church. My mom talked me into going and I kinda forgot the church was old school. We got there early-ish so there was no one seating anyone. So we sat on the second row until it was time to start. This guy walked up to us and pointed at us both and then pointed to the front. He didn't have that big stick but he didn't need it. It was sorta there in spirit. We didn't argue and quickly moved to the pews up front on the side of the pulpit.
I am still getting used to being a pastor. Other people are far more comfortable with my label than I am. I still cringe when someone refers to me as Rev.
Our preacher for the night was a young guy about 30. There are 3 of us in our early 30s in my conference. Almost everyone else is older than us by at least two decades. I still get freaked out by this fact.
The preacher preached without using his Bible. I was stunned. I mean, he had his Bible and made references to it but never actually opened it up. The church we were at prides itself on tradition. Doing things the way they have always done things and it's well, old school. But that wasn't all. The preacher told this church that they needed to wake up and change if there were going to reach Native people of today. I was in front facing the pulpit too afraid to look to my right at the people in the church to see how they were taking it.
It was true, though. What he was preaching. Because I have been preaching it in my church. But even I, and I consider myself to be quite ballsy, would not have had the nerve to preach that message in that way to that church. It scared me a little but it inspired me as well. In fact, when the church asked me to bless the food afterwards and I literally had to choke back the sermon that wanted to come. I am still laughing about that. I almost got filled with the spirit praying for food.
I am headed for NYC this Saturday for a week and will miss Communion sunday. I don't mind missing the preaching but I will miss doing the Communion.
I am completly at a loss at what I am doing with the trajectory of my life. Part of me keeps thinking, what if I am wrong. The other part is saying lighten up. I keep thinking back to the last 7-8 years of my life. If anything, I have learned that I do not HAVE TO keep a job that is detrimental to me or my health. I do not HAVE TO do anything. I do not HAVE TO keep a job that makes me unhappy. I am in pursuit of a job that does not make me unhappy. I don't know if I am pursuing happiness but I do know I don't HAVE TO be unhappy. But what if I am wrong. I guess I could turn out to be wrong but in the end I will be glad that I took the time and effort to find out. I am worth the effort to find out if there is something more.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Oklahoma
I will admit that I am quite embarrassed to be living in the state of Oklahoma for several reasons.
The centennial celebration. So, this is the place that a large number of tribes got shoved into over a hundred years ago. And a hundred years ago the government broke yet more treaties and opened up the state to settlers. Indians aren’t really in a celebratory mood about the anniversary of this betrayal.
Ironically, Oklahoma passed HB 1804 regarding the “illegal” entry of people from Mexico and Central America. It makes it illegal to knowingly transport illegal aliens, and creates barriers to hiring illegal aliens. It also requires state contractors to check the immigration status of workers and requires proof of citizenship for those applying for certain government benefits.
So merely helping someone who is “illegal” can land you in jail here. I am pleased to see that many church folk are speaking out and saying if merely helping other people lands them in jail then, they would rather go to jail.
But I was embarassed to see Oklahoma on CNN and to know that this stupid HB is what people will know us by. Sigh.
The centennial celebration. So, this is the place that a large number of tribes got shoved into over a hundred years ago. And a hundred years ago the government broke yet more treaties and opened up the state to settlers. Indians aren’t really in a celebratory mood about the anniversary of this betrayal.
Ironically, Oklahoma passed HB 1804 regarding the “illegal” entry of people from Mexico and Central America. It makes it illegal to knowingly transport illegal aliens, and creates barriers to hiring illegal aliens. It also requires state contractors to check the immigration status of workers and requires proof of citizenship for those applying for certain government benefits.
So merely helping someone who is “illegal” can land you in jail here. I am pleased to see that many church folk are speaking out and saying if merely helping other people lands them in jail then, they would rather go to jail.
But I was embarassed to see Oklahoma on CNN and to know that this stupid HB is what people will know us by. Sigh.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Revival
So I am on vacation. One week of not having to stress out about preaching on Sunday. I was suppose to be in NJ but a mix-up of dates has caused me to be still here in Oklahoma. But its not all that bad. I am sorting through house things that have not been sorted through and taken care of since I moved in. I finally arranged to get a landline and wireless Internet. And I am getting my office truly organized to my specifications. Doesn't quite sound like a vacation but I have been too busy to do it before now. And I feel better now that I have started working on it.
So I am feeling pretty good and productive. I felt so good that I went to a revival at a nearby church on Tuesday and Wednesday. My adult church had been asked to do devotions on Tuesday and to my utter surprise 7 of my 25-30 members showed up. I was expecting and would have been pleased if the usual 4 had shown up close to on-time.
Now, I have been to many revivals in the past but never as a pastor. Indian churches are kinda different. Some are what I would call old school churches and they have appointed people at the entrance of the church, sorta like greeters. The difference is that these people (usually men) have big sticks, or canes and they seat you. Or rather they point to the place where you are to sit. And you go sit there. Mainly because they have the big stick. I remember a old choctaw church that had a old lady who was this greeter person who used to try to swat me and the other children who went in and out of the chuch during service. Usually old school churches seat men and women separate. And all the pastors are directed to sit up front. I have yet to be in this situation but I am a little nervous about it.
This particular church was not old school;it is an urban church. But they do an alter call or call to discipleship after the message and it is custom for all the pastors present to come to the alter area to pray with people needing prayer. I was a little nervous about this as well. There were no alter people on Tuesday but Wednesday, after Wednesday's preacher opened the alter, it looked like 2 pews of people rose and headed to the rail.
I was one of only three pastors present so I knew I was needed up there. So I went trying to figure out which person to pray with (first come first serve? What if they all got there at the same time?) and what the heck would I say? I finally settled on a young lady sobbing quietly on the end. I don't really have any philosophies about alter call pastor behavior so I simply knelt next to her, mirrored her arms and hands so that we were touching. Then I asked her if I could pray with her about what was burdening her. She told me and I prayed with her. When I finished the prayer, I was going to leave but she didn't leave so I stayed and wondered of she was maybe expecting words of encouragement. This is what I get for having not gone to the alter during my youth...
So I spoke some words of what I hope to God were encouragement to her and then she left. By this point I was kinda feeling some pain in my knees from kneeling there for so long and I was also feeling like perhaps I had inadequately conveyed God's grace to the young lady. I was at the alter thinking and feeling all this when a little head pops up on the other side of the alter. A little girl with pigtails about 3 years old. She smiled at me so I automatically smiled back and said hi. Another head pops up. Another little girl. I say hi to her too and I am thinking maybe I should ask if they want me to pray with them. I figured they belonged to the woman nearby praying with another pastor, but you never know. They might want prayer too, right? So I leaned in and strangely they leaned in to me still smiling like we were about to share some great secrets but then an older sibling came and took them by the hand before I can speak. They left the alter waving bye to me and laughing. I honestly don't think I have ever felt a joy like this so near the alter. Little kids rock!! I am thinking about doing alter calls for the kids at the Clinton church.
So I am feeling pretty good and productive. I felt so good that I went to a revival at a nearby church on Tuesday and Wednesday. My adult church had been asked to do devotions on Tuesday and to my utter surprise 7 of my 25-30 members showed up. I was expecting and would have been pleased if the usual 4 had shown up close to on-time.
Now, I have been to many revivals in the past but never as a pastor. Indian churches are kinda different. Some are what I would call old school churches and they have appointed people at the entrance of the church, sorta like greeters. The difference is that these people (usually men) have big sticks, or canes and they seat you. Or rather they point to the place where you are to sit. And you go sit there. Mainly because they have the big stick. I remember a old choctaw church that had a old lady who was this greeter person who used to try to swat me and the other children who went in and out of the chuch during service. Usually old school churches seat men and women separate. And all the pastors are directed to sit up front. I have yet to be in this situation but I am a little nervous about it.
This particular church was not old school;it is an urban church. But they do an alter call or call to discipleship after the message and it is custom for all the pastors present to come to the alter area to pray with people needing prayer. I was a little nervous about this as well. There were no alter people on Tuesday but Wednesday, after Wednesday's preacher opened the alter, it looked like 2 pews of people rose and headed to the rail.
I was one of only three pastors present so I knew I was needed up there. So I went trying to figure out which person to pray with (first come first serve? What if they all got there at the same time?) and what the heck would I say? I finally settled on a young lady sobbing quietly on the end. I don't really have any philosophies about alter call pastor behavior so I simply knelt next to her, mirrored her arms and hands so that we were touching. Then I asked her if I could pray with her about what was burdening her. She told me and I prayed with her. When I finished the prayer, I was going to leave but she didn't leave so I stayed and wondered of she was maybe expecting words of encouragement. This is what I get for having not gone to the alter during my youth...
So I spoke some words of what I hope to God were encouragement to her and then she left. By this point I was kinda feeling some pain in my knees from kneeling there for so long and I was also feeling like perhaps I had inadequately conveyed God's grace to the young lady. I was at the alter thinking and feeling all this when a little head pops up on the other side of the alter. A little girl with pigtails about 3 years old. She smiled at me so I automatically smiled back and said hi. Another head pops up. Another little girl. I say hi to her too and I am thinking maybe I should ask if they want me to pray with them. I figured they belonged to the woman nearby praying with another pastor, but you never know. They might want prayer too, right? So I leaned in and strangely they leaned in to me still smiling like we were about to share some great secrets but then an older sibling came and took them by the hand before I can speak. They left the alter waving bye to me and laughing. I honestly don't think I have ever felt a joy like this so near the alter. Little kids rock!! I am thinking about doing alter calls for the kids at the Clinton church.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tooth Fairy
I had a really nice long blog prepared, or I was preparing a nice one but I grew weary of checking that all my fact were indeed correct. Its now the 3rd or forth blog stuck in the "Save Now" section of my blog.
Ya know, when I started this blog I had lots of interesting things to say and think about but now I find I am happy merely sitting in my chair in the living room and staring endlessly at my toes. (They are painted silver) I am hoping it is just a phase but you never know with me. I am currently in my chair pretending that my jaw doesn't hurt. I got a wisdom tooth pulled and it was a "doozy" as my nutty dentist kept saying. I can feel my eye twitching.
Oh, yes, I was brave for about ten minutes regarding changing my life. Being brave is kinda easy, I find that I not afraid of being brave, I am just lazy. Hence, the chair sitting.
Tomorrow I am off to Nashville for a meeting. I am not really sure what the meeting is about but it was a plane ride somewhere and I have just been sitting in my chair so I figured I should go. I am now kinda worried because I am recalling a message left by the person wanting me to go and I think he said something about talking about my persepective on something...I'd call him but I think he is in New York. Whatever, as long as I am out of the chair.
I think the tooth drugs have kicked in...
Ya know, when I started this blog I had lots of interesting things to say and think about but now I find I am happy merely sitting in my chair in the living room and staring endlessly at my toes. (They are painted silver) I am hoping it is just a phase but you never know with me. I am currently in my chair pretending that my jaw doesn't hurt. I got a wisdom tooth pulled and it was a "doozy" as my nutty dentist kept saying. I can feel my eye twitching.
Oh, yes, I was brave for about ten minutes regarding changing my life. Being brave is kinda easy, I find that I not afraid of being brave, I am just lazy. Hence, the chair sitting.
Tomorrow I am off to Nashville for a meeting. I am not really sure what the meeting is about but it was a plane ride somewhere and I have just been sitting in my chair so I figured I should go. I am now kinda worried because I am recalling a message left by the person wanting me to go and I think he said something about talking about my persepective on something...I'd call him but I think he is in New York. Whatever, as long as I am out of the chair.
I think the tooth drugs have kicked in...
Friday, September 28, 2007
Fear and loathing
A friend of mine likens his search for his true vocation to a search for a movie in a video store. He is fairly certain that he is in the right genre but he can't decide on the actual movie. I understand this perfectly. I also feel that I am in the right genre I just can't find the right movie. The movie I have is not the thing. I am fairly certain I would feel it was the right thing if it was indeed the right thing.
Does everyone feel like this? I feel guilty about my lack of satisfaction with my current choice. This is the mass' favorite role of religious genre in my neck of the woods and though I like to think that I am capable of winning fights against nature, I am aware that I am insecure and if I am not backed up...I will give in. That and I am tired of fighting. Which is saying something. I tend to think that I am a warrior but I feel like I am a deeply wounded warrior in need of healing and rest. Yeah, who has time for that?
Tomorrow I will make a choice about my future, a choice that will change the trajectory that my life has been taking, I will be brave and do this. I think perhaps I should be looking in the Sundance channel movie section. Tomorrow. I can be brave tomorrow. Just watch me. :)
Does everyone feel like this? I feel guilty about my lack of satisfaction with my current choice. This is the mass' favorite role of religious genre in my neck of the woods and though I like to think that I am capable of winning fights against nature, I am aware that I am insecure and if I am not backed up...I will give in. That and I am tired of fighting. Which is saying something. I tend to think that I am a warrior but I feel like I am a deeply wounded warrior in need of healing and rest. Yeah, who has time for that?
Tomorrow I will make a choice about my future, a choice that will change the trajectory that my life has been taking, I will be brave and do this. I think perhaps I should be looking in the Sundance channel movie section. Tomorrow. I can be brave tomorrow. Just watch me. :)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wait for the Ball
I am a double preacher's kid so I am not ignorant to the ways of the church. I have seen my both of my parents, as my mother puts it, "preach the hell out" of their people. I haven seen their insecurities and doubts about a sermon and I have always thought that I would not need the people to let me know whether or not I preached a good sermon. And I suppose I don't. I know when I did a good job. I did a good job last week. Two weeks before that I kicked ass. I know this.
I don't need accolades but I admit I suppose I thought I would see a change. Maybe its just arrogance. I like to think I am planting seeds but I am left wondering if I am being understood or just making a lot of noise. Hmmmmm...I suppose I should just let God handle the part of reaching people and I just continue making a joyful noise to the lord?
I don't need accolades but I admit I suppose I thought I would see a change. Maybe its just arrogance. I like to think I am planting seeds but I am left wondering if I am being understood or just making a lot of noise. Hmmmmm...I suppose I should just let God handle the part of reaching people and I just continue making a joyful noise to the lord?
Monday, July 2, 2007
Performance Anxiety
So the word for the month is "performance anxiety". I admit I am surprised that I seem to be afflicted with it, though I guess I shouldn't be. I started the new church two Sundays ago. The first Sunday was kinda cool. My dad and my older brother came out for me. I had trouble with the sermon topic, or really I had trouble with Elijah lying under the bush wishing for death. I think my own journey parallels Elijah, except none of my colleges were dead and some of the other stuff, but the rest maybe. Hard work dealing with my issues and writing a sermon for the masses. But the masses enjoyed it. My father said I was "good".
Week two is when "performance anxiety" struck. I scrambled all week because I still hadn't finished Elijah and I couldn't think of a dang thing to say to the masses. So for week three? The answer? I am going with "Discipline" Start early as possible and see if there is improvement. I hate to not do well at anything I do.
Despite my emerging pastoral yearnings, I fear that I am also getting bored. Or stressed out. They feel the same? The church parsonage is cute but was infested with roaches. "infestation" is an understatment. I have hosed the place down several times with various bug poisons. But I haven't moved yet. (move day was June 19) I am still in Jenks with my mom. So I have two churches, one three hours from me and one hour and a half. I am tired of driving.
The good stuff? I finally got to go to Clergy family camp! It is a three-day mini vacation/retreat for pastors and their families in my conference (Oklahoma Indian Missionary). I haven't been in Oklahoma to go with my mom as family but she would tell me about it every year. They get to weave baskets (hey, we're Indians. of course we get to weave baskets), make silver jewelry, wooden flutes, and the like. Its like summer camp for clergy. They even went to Branson, Missouri one year. I made a funny shaped basket that I am very proud of. I lacked the attention span for making a wooden flute but the master flute guy gave me a finished one on the last day. I also found out that I really am one of youngest pastors by at least a decade.
But there were plenty of single women pastors there. They had a running joke about wanting to marry a guy that does carpentry work because of the state our parsonages are usually in and the fact that we are all too busy to fix the houses ourselves. Well, I will admit that I am not so handy with the nail and hammer. I really wish this wasn't so but it is. If I build something, and I will follow all the directions, it will still wobble and my mom or my older brother will have to come and fix it for me. I am disgusted with myself on this lack of talent. It would be handy so I could make improvements in my new house. Though I do plan to become friendly with the Home Depot people over the next year. :)
Week two is when "performance anxiety" struck. I scrambled all week because I still hadn't finished Elijah and I couldn't think of a dang thing to say to the masses. So for week three? The answer? I am going with "Discipline" Start early as possible and see if there is improvement. I hate to not do well at anything I do.
Despite my emerging pastoral yearnings, I fear that I am also getting bored. Or stressed out. They feel the same? The church parsonage is cute but was infested with roaches. "infestation" is an understatment. I have hosed the place down several times with various bug poisons. But I haven't moved yet. (move day was June 19) I am still in Jenks with my mom. So I have two churches, one three hours from me and one hour and a half. I am tired of driving.
The good stuff? I finally got to go to Clergy family camp! It is a three-day mini vacation/retreat for pastors and their families in my conference (Oklahoma Indian Missionary). I haven't been in Oklahoma to go with my mom as family but she would tell me about it every year. They get to weave baskets (hey, we're Indians. of course we get to weave baskets), make silver jewelry, wooden flutes, and the like. Its like summer camp for clergy. They even went to Branson, Missouri one year. I made a funny shaped basket that I am very proud of. I lacked the attention span for making a wooden flute but the master flute guy gave me a finished one on the last day. I also found out that I really am one of youngest pastors by at least a decade.
But there were plenty of single women pastors there. They had a running joke about wanting to marry a guy that does carpentry work because of the state our parsonages are usually in and the fact that we are all too busy to fix the houses ourselves. Well, I will admit that I am not so handy with the nail and hammer. I really wish this wasn't so but it is. If I build something, and I will follow all the directions, it will still wobble and my mom or my older brother will have to come and fix it for me. I am disgusted with myself on this lack of talent. It would be handy so I could make improvements in my new house. Though I do plan to become friendly with the Home Depot people over the next year. :)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Background prt2
The other church I was offered was the church that currently also holds my membership. It was my father's first church out of seminary. It was also the church that recommended my mom for ministry. As well as me. So I went back to my DS said, I think I want these two churches.
Strangely enough, I haven't panicked and I have also be exhibiting some pastor like qualities of which I am very suspicious. I have never had the desire to be a pastor. Since I was 4-ish I have wanted to be a missionary (as a four year old I defined a missionary as "someone who works with the church") Plus after being a preacher's kid, I am certainly tired of trying to live up to the church's impossible standards for clergy and their families.
I have been at Clinton Indian UMC since Feb 07 and will start Billy Hooton Memorial UMC on June 20, 2007.
I have been trying to convince God that I do not have the right temperament to be an effective pastor. The Lord is not listening. And as I find that I am actually wanting to visit a parishioner in the hospital and do a home visit to another parishioner, I really don't know what to make of myself anymore.
Good Lord, who have I become?
Strangely enough, I haven't panicked and I have also be exhibiting some pastor like qualities of which I am very suspicious. I have never had the desire to be a pastor. Since I was 4-ish I have wanted to be a missionary (as a four year old I defined a missionary as "someone who works with the church") Plus after being a preacher's kid, I am certainly tired of trying to live up to the church's impossible standards for clergy and their families.
I have been at Clinton Indian UMC since Feb 07 and will start Billy Hooton Memorial UMC on June 20, 2007.
I have been trying to convince God that I do not have the right temperament to be an effective pastor. The Lord is not listening. And as I find that I am actually wanting to visit a parishioner in the hospital and do a home visit to another parishioner, I really don't know what to make of myself anymore.
Good Lord, who have I become?
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