Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Torn

So we had to call church off Sunday, 12/9, due to raining ice. I know that is sleet but that small word does not seem to grasp the concept of a thunder storm with thunder and lighting and falling ice. I can't remember if sleet like this is a common thing here in Oklahoma. I have been gone too long.

So, we had to call church off. I was relieved. I had just flown in from NYC and a week of an intense Theology of Mission class, several interviews, seeing old friends and trying to figure out "What Jennifer Wants"

I interviewed for the Deaconess Program as well as the Church and Community worker program. A good move for me as of two weeks ago. And the interviews went really well, but a couple of factors have since popped up. But back to my church first.

So, we had to call church off Sunday. I was relieved but a part of me was really annoyed. It was the second Sunday in Advent and I had to miss last Sunday Dec 2 due to the New York trip so I didn't get to be there for the 1st Sunday in Advent. I am concerned that my church has no idea that Advent has started. I have no idea what Dec 2's preacher preached on. I hope she mentioned Advent had started. My church seems to be unconcerned with the liturgical calendar except for the big days. Christmas pageant day and Easter. I am worried that they haven't got the candles out and I wanted to preach about J the Baptist and prison. I visited a prison on Staten Island as part of the class in NYC.

But the other part of me will be tickled pink if I have to miss church for the entire month of Dec. I am hoping this is the case.

If I was actually split in two, things would go a lot better for me. Then I wouldn't have to choose. Part of me could stay and do the pastor thing and the other could leave Oklahoma guilt free.

So the question is easy, What Does Jennifer Want, but I find the answer is complicated. I want to be of service to my conference. That has always been my deepest desire. Or rather I want to be of service to the church really but that means my conference. I am proud of my upbringing, of how my conference, the people that have helped shaped me into the person I have become. Not the unable to make a decision person but the one that has been in service to the church for this long and who survived Drew to get my MDiv. If it were not for my conference, I am not sure I would have even been in church service. I owe so much to them and I want to "give back."

But I was happy during my week in NYC. It wasn't easy, it never was. I hate being so far from my mom. I miss being surrounded by Indians. I feel misunderstood most of the time when I talk. But I was happy. I am not sure how and why.

My life is pressure.
It seems everyone has a firm opinion about the trajectory of my life.
My life has been lived in a fishbowl yet so many secrets have to be kept.
Church politics has always been apart of my life and I am a political person. I suppose some might say manipulative, even. All for Christ, though. :)

So, I want to be happy but I fear that the things that make me happy are unhealthy.
Or am I healthy because I can keep myself together despite all that pressure? I can survive in that type of environment. Maybe. I am going to go watch Psych and not think about this til tomorrow.

Cat Scratch Fever

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