So Much To Say

I am attempting verbalize a couple of understandings I have come to in the last couple of years. The first one sounds childish and shallow but it is still a lesson I struggle with.

"Not everything is about me." In my personal relationship with God, not everything is about me. I marvel that the first time I understood this that I was floored. Depressed and angry. I hesitate to write about this cause I don’t know if get across the enormity of this one. See, before in my talking with God, it tended to be about me, my needs, my wants, my desires. That’s not to say that I expected anything and everything just because I gave my life to God…but other people never really made into that relationship. I mean, I prayed for other people but it was just Me-and-God-against-the-world, kind of mentality.

In 1999, I went to North Carolina as a US-2 missionary for two years. The years in NC were job-wise, wonderful, personally and spiritually it was hell of a time of “growing.” I left NC broken and angry with God. I felt that I was broken and the ONLY thing holding me together was the grace of God but I wasn’t grateful. I felt that it would have been kinder of God to let me go. Hitting rock bottom isn’t the hard part, it’s the climbing back out.

I was angry at God for 3-4 years about that. Yes, I can hold a grudge for a while. 3-4 years later, in my talking with God, I was complaining about that time and about why God didn’t just let go (you understand that I mean that I thought God should have let me die) when an image of my mother popped into my head. And the question: What would have happened to her if you had died? I replied that she would have understood but I knew that was a lie. She wouldn’t have understood.

I understood the point God had but I was stunned that God had broken up our private relationship to include other people. Even if it was my mother. Not everything is about me. Even when it includes me getting torn apart.

The second thing I am thinking is that “Only certain people can say certain things and have it hold value.” It sounds Harry Potter-ish to me. Actually it was phrase in The Deathly Hallows that helped me with my thinking. pg 373-374 “Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” This is when Harry tells Ron that he is to destroy Voldemort’s locket.

I went to a conference on Native American Spirituality at Bacone College here in Oklahoma. Discussion of forgiving, of prejudice and racism came up. Some of the guests included folks from the East coast. Now east coast natives are different from those in Oklahoma. Most of the East coast tribes were killed, traditions destroyed or they were forced to pretend that were not native in order to live. This was cause the largest influx of Europeans were on the East coast. The further west you go the more the tribes have retained their cultural identity and traditions.

Having lived on the East Coast, I can say that the sun is different there then here in Oklahoma. Here the sun bakes you. You can feel it, sometimes it stings. (Ahhh, it feels good) Not so much with the east coast. The east coast sun is more of a faint breeze and the Oklahoma sun is a slap on the arm. Meaning the east coast folks are lighter. Yes, it’s important.

Some of the east coast Natives were talking about prejudice, racism, history and forgiving but it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t tell they were Native by looking at them. I would have thought they were white. It was almost an insult having a person who can pass for white tell me, the person who would never pass, even after seven years on the East Coast, about prejudice, racism and forgiving. A person who can pass for white wouldn't know how it feels to have a person look at them with fear because their skin is darker. I do.

That’s not to say that light-skinned natives don’t have real issues and east coast natives have issues that are different than us here in Oklahoma. But only a dark-skinned person can talk about forgiving fear, prejudice, and racism and understand the enormity of what they were saying and what it means to actually do so. For anyone else to try, it is an insult.

I understand a little of why I ended up at Drew struggling with the church and Native people. I understand that not just anyone could talk about history, anger and forgiving and have it mean something. Only some who struggles with issues, of anger, of love, of hope can speak and have it hold power. Anyone else who says it, it would be (and has been) just words.

That brings me to the President. Ya know, I am proud to be an American. I never thought I would say that and mean it. I watched the inauguration and was quite weepy through the whole thing. But the thing that I wanted to point out it this: Obama was elected president because he was black man. Because he was a black man that had hope he inspired many many people to have hope. His words had power because he was black. A white man could have come through and repeated the same words but they would have been just that. Words. I think its ok that I say we elected Obama because he was a black with who had hope. He was also a black man telling white folks that they could be a part of change. And he meant it. And they were. We all were…unless you voted for McCain. But hey, you voted so you still did good.

The white man with hope would have no doubt been a great man but his skin color speaks louder than white people like to think. White skin says "I have the right to be here, I have the right to try and your opinion doesn't count." Obama's skin said, "I have been told that I can't succeed, that I don't have the right to lead, that I am not good enough as a white person but I believe, with your help, that can change"

I don't brink this up to incite guilt, anger or shame. I feel like I am just stating facts. white skin and dark skin live in different worlds. But things can change. I believe this. Its why I voted for Obama. Because he was a black man with hope.

Ya know, black people cannot be separated from their blackness anymore than I can be separated from my Native-ness. Personally I like my skin and I have no desire to be colorless. (you know, people like to claim they are colorblind) I think color should be celebrated and that the danger comes in thinking that the different colors mean something. That black people are this, white people are that, native people are another way. Skin color really doesn't speak but we give it power to speak.

The great secret is that we are all just people.

Having said that, regionally, people are different. The thing with Aretha Franklin’s church hat. I was surprised that so many people made a fuss. Saying her hat was too ostentatious. Ya, it’s a older African American women and a southern woman thing. Really, I am not of that southern tradition or African American but I have seen enough TV and movies to understand where it was coming from. Hello, Steel Magnolias ,anyone?

But I am actually glad it’s getting talked about. People claiming to be “color blind” tend to sound like they are saying they would just like to ignore uncomfortable differences. Aretha’s hat was hard to ignore and tons of articles were written about (maybe not tons but when was the last time you saw an article about southern/older African American women’s church hats?) and the articles were explaining about the tradition of the hat and the importance of the matching hat, shoes and pocket book (purse). Yes, I said importance. Education is the key to ending prejudice, racism, ignorance. What a fine start in change for our country!

So, It is ok to get to know another culture. It is ok to notice people are different. People are people but some people grew up different than you did. Even same color people are different. East coast Natives are different than Oklahoma Natives. Eastern tribes (Choctaws) are vastly different from western tribes (Cheyenne/Arapaho). Different is OK. Different is Fun. We all need to celebrate different day.

Ok, I am climbing down off my soapbox. I may need to work on my color thoughts some more....feel free to think back at me. I feel like I am still missing some of the more subtle points...

Don't Stand so Close to Me

So all the OIMC pastors were rounded up for our yearly January Seminar. This year was Sexual Ethics. I haven't recovered from the Sexual Ethics thing we had to do at Drew. But this one wasn't too bad. Well, there was the strange question we got from a pastor I don't know, about what to do with folks who didn't grow up Christian and were expecting 10 virgins when they got into heaven. That one came out of nowhere but it was priceless. A little scary considering he has a church but I am told that his church takes the useful stuff from him and just lets the rest go. They are use to him.

The seminar included self-care. I found out that prolonged boredom was a stress warning sign. I think I have been bored since 2007, I am a little concerned. I also checked off more warning signs than I thought I would. It kinda sucks because I have been trying to be careful about the stress and I thought I was doing a better job than I am. :(

But I enjoy getting together with the other clergy. They are a fun group of folks. There are about 70-ish of us, elders, local pastors and lay Missioners. I grew up around many of them, I know there kids. It is a comfort to me. I also spent time arguing about bird lice, my inability to sit still while listening, my bad judgement on who I spend the night with (don't ask) and who is the biggest Metho-lebrity (Methodist celebrity) with a good friend/colleague.

Three of us are trying to top each other as to who is the biggest metho-lebrity and in amuses me that the other two really care about winning. I don't care at all but I like watching them get upset. In a good way.

Ten virgins, huh? You know, perhaps more people would get involved in the church if they thought that is what they would get in the end...I do not believe in heaven or hell, on principle, I do what I do because I love God and loving God means loving the people or trying to help the people cause honestly somtimes I am not really all that fond of people...unless those virgins knew how to make a good margarita then I may believe differently.