Friday, October 2, 2009

The Space Between

I am in Alabama. Gallant Alabama and I have just lost my shark. I have only been here since Sunday. 5 Days but I have no cell phone signal, I have been forced to climb a mountain and all the wonderful funny people have left. I am in Training to be a Church & Community Worker, which I have been for over a year. i'm learning all the things that i have done wrong and I hate being wrong. But I'm only a little bitter about that.

We had about two days of training and then the CCW Bi...they have a conference every two years. Biennial Meeting began. I like CCWers. I have to apologise profusely because I didn't want to come and I gave my mom an unflattering view of these folks. I'm sorry. Really. I had forgotten how amazing CCWs are. It was a reason I wanted to be a CWW in the first place. Because of the sense of community. I mean, they get intense about stuff that I couldn't care less about but whatever. They are funny. I was howling at the retirement reception cause the stories were so great. I was almost creeped out by the puppet story but I think if I had seen it would have been ok...maybe.

But everyone left this morning. About 11 of us are left until Tuesday. 11 of us left to finish training.

So...I freak out a lot. Its just my nature I think. All that repression. It just explodes. I freaked out, mainly due to not being able to get cell phone reception or to watch TV, I have been left alone with my thoughts which is never really a good idea.

I get commissioned as a CCW on Oct 13. I am not all that sure that I am able to make a committment right now. I feel the same way about my ordination which is suppose to happen June 2010. And it comes back to the problem of knowing what I want.

Understand that I know what I want. I know what I want. It just isn't working out that way. I truly believe that things happen for a reason but I don't have to like it. And I don't.

Oddly my reservations are actually some of my relationship issues and reservations. I don't have commitment issues. I take committments very seriously but I am worried that I can't keep a committment to either. I feel a little wishy-washy about both and I'd rather not be a flake about it all. Honestly, the job is hell and the Church & Community program made me out to be the poster child and for the first time it wasn't due to the color of my skin but due to things still beyond my control and nothing to do with me. I don't like the admiring looks when I get so close to just quiting.

My job is hell. I love the kids at Clinton but the conditions that I work in are absolute hell. I keep telling myself that it won't always be this way but I have been saying that for a year. Its drepressingly lonely. Maybe that's not hell for other people but it is for me. I am making strides, yes, but I am so alone.

The upcomming commissioning and ordination, it all makes me feel slightly trapped. OK, a lot trapped. My least favorite feeling in the world. So I was freaking out when we got a morning off for spiritual renewal.

I spent my spiritual renewal time in K-mart and two Halloween stores (I followed everyone else) so I wasn't anticipating renewal but later when I finally decided to read our continueing Ed class material, renewal came anyway.

"To respond to God's call to serve is to spend your life in deep water. It is risky business. You perhaps won't be well liked, and you will always be misunderstood, except by those few folks who choose to follow Jesus and live in the deep water with you. You will never gain any of the world's riches, and will always be troubled by the notion that you're not really doing any good. Deep water is where we tend to find the missio Dei, God's Mission. And yet, it is in the deep water that God is most readily found and that we can be most useful for the kingdom. To look for the Lord's call in your life, listen for that awesome Word of humility and power, and saying yes to God, be sent forth on a journey of faith that will give you the only real reason for living." -Faithful Witness. United Methodist Theology of Mission - John Nuessle

Sometimes its enough just to have someone else admit that this God stuff sucks even when you do everything right-ish but its going to be ok. Its enough for me to get through another couple more weeks. Its enough. Plus, I just found my shark.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

September

Wow, its September. I am such a bad blogger. Well.

So ok, I am not territorial about my church. I'm not. One of my colleagues thinks this lack is a detriment. I like to think I am ecumenical. I mean I wouldn't just let any joker off the street, come in and have at my kids,in a preaching sense. I'm actually a little overprotective of my kids. But I would let that Baptist preacher I met a few months back come and have a revival if he wanted. But I have heard him preach, spoke with him about his philosophies and I know that he has changed his church around to accomodate and care for the kids in Elk City.

My kids are different demoninations anyway. But the kids told me that The Mormon church has been visiting them in their homes and they have been going to the Mormon church on Sundays and its kinda got me a little unnerved. Ok, its got me territorial and I have been trying to figure out why. Aside from the fact that I don't know anyone in this Mormon church.

I let my kids ask me questions about whatever they want to, which has led to some interesting discussion about Hell, Baptism, Communion and now Mormons. I don't know too much about Mormons other than some of Joseph Smith's history. (He used to be Methodist...Jim Jones used to be too, but that is for another time...) I let them tell me what the elders have told them. They are impressed that Mormons seem to revere Native people. Personally I think if they were so impressed with Native people then why is there only white folks in leadership positions? Right. But I like to encourage open minds and tolerance with other religions so I just enourage them to do just that. But I do worry.

Part of my uneasiness of the Mormons is from my growing awarness of the lack of programs in other denominations and even the UMC has specifically for Native Americans. Originally I was all for ecumenical leadership in the Clinton Church. I reasoned that if my conference were to one day run out of money to have someone there, then something needed to be in place so the kids wouldn't be left hanging. And if the Indian Baptist church could do what we could not then so be it. And my bosses approved of my idea.

But I am also the chair of OIMC's Campus Ministry Board and I realised that OIMC is the only one interested and trying to provide ministry specifically for Native college students. The one at Oklahoma City University attracts Native student of all denominations and some who are not in church. They come because it is a place where they can come together and be indian. The United Methodist church provides scholarships for Native Students and I have no idea what the other denominations have for Native students. I am the one who sends out opportunities for native college students on our Facebook Campus ministry page from the United Methdist church, like Student Forum. And in thinking of the future of my kids, the United Methodist Church might be the better place.

Will the Morman church provide such support for the kids as the get older? I don't think the Baptist do...

So, United Methodist it is...but, see this is why many indian people go back and forth between denominations. The United Methodist church has OIMC which is specifically for Native folks in Oklahoma, Kansas and Dallas, TX but we have no money (literally), and not enough people. So locally they go to the churches that have enough people and money that care care for them in ways OIMC can't. I can't fault them for that because I still want to use that Baptist church in Elk City to provide more people to help care for my kids but its kind of a sad messed up way to exist.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Side trip




I drove to Mississippi to deliver a table. This table is made out of trees destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. We borrowed it for annual conference. I left Monday with my mom in our New chuch van




Originally I had intended to drive there in one day (11.5 hours) and drive back Tuesday. Ambitious, yes, but totally doable. But, we had a tire blow out in Dallas so we came we didn't make it to MS til Tuesday morning.



And as a treat we drove to Ikea in Frisco, outside of Dallas, TX on the way back.




This my third trip to Louisiana. Waveland is just outside of LA on the MS side so really, I was in Louisiana most of the time. I am going back to LA next week too.

New Orleans. What fun.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

May

These postings are getting so spaced out, I figured I'd just label them by month. That and I am just too tired to think of names...or...the song I picked out to title this month's musing turned out to be more than I wanted to share...

So, 34 is not anywhere near an end. Not even a battered and scarred 34 like mine. I am not disappointed by this truth. I'm not. Just a little tired. I spoke at a thing a couple of months ago and this guy came up to me afterwards and says "God has great things planned for you, this is just the beginning."

I guess he thought he was encouraging me but I was kinda dismayed. The guy saw it on my face and looked confused. It didn't help when I then said, "I hope not. I was kinda hoping I was near the end. Ya know, closer to retirement."

I haven't been talking to God lately cause I am worried that the guy may be right. Great things is really another word for great responsibility. I am not opposed to responsibility. I take my responsibilities seriously. It seems so few people do.

I know, I sound so judgemental. Maybe I am.

I went to Student Forum this year. A friend of mine is on the steering committee and as much as I like him I almost dread seeing him because I know he is going to spring something on me that will force me to step outside of my comfort zone. And its not like I don't already do this to myself. He just forces me to take larger and faster steps.

I went pretending this wouldn't happen. But we got there and he hugs us and then he says "I need you to do something. The local native people cancelled on us and I need you to give the native welcome to the area tonight at 7:00"

Now, if you know me, you understand I don't do anything cultural that feels like "a pony show" or entertainment for people. And this was looking like a damn circus act. Unfortunately, I couldn't say no outright, my dad's side of the family was of the Choctaws in Louisiana. I still have family near Alexandria (I've never meet them). It was legit for me to give the welcome. Which brought the second problem.

I didn't want to welcome them there. I practiced saying the words "welcome" but then I wanted to add, "we rescind our invitation, please leave." Which was not going to be helpful. Neither was Marcus who said "just say something pastoral"

So, I am barely able to completely wrap my head about my emerging feelings about the church and forgiving and he was pushing me to take yet another step and be ok with it in the space of 4 hours.

I could feel the pressure of responsibility weighing down on me, threatening to crush me. But I couldn't say no because I know that some at student forum question why they even had to do this, ask local native people to take part and I know how hard Marcus worked to get it and keep it included. Now that he is no longer a part of the steering committee, I am reluctant to hope this practice will continue.

So, I gave the welcome. I talked about my kids at Clinton.(they make the best sermons) I talked about Thanksgiving and bitterness and about choosing the good way to live (That's what you get when you ask a pastor to give a welcome--you get a sermon)

I told them all that to help them understand why it is important to continue to do this seemingly insignificant practice. That this small act is really huge because native people have come to expect nothing but bitterness, especially from the larger church. It was my leap of faith because I am reluctant to hope. I am reluctant to have hope in human decency, compassion and love in the larger church but I do not hesitate to place hope in a God that is able to change things in spite of human limitations.

So, I took an even further leap of faith, for Marcus, for my kids in Clinton, and for all of us that are reluctant to hope in the church and I ended with this.

"Despite what happened in the past, despite what will happen in the future, we still choose the good way to live. We welcome you to the land of our ancestors."

Great responsibility in two sentences. I don't regret it. But so few of us seem to be shouldering responsibily for so many, it just gets tiring sometimes. That sounds like a jack-ass thing to say but I'm tired. Maybe I should talk to God about a vacation.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Armadillos and church

I went to church Sunday. Not mine, I mean, I went to mine later that day but Sunday Morning, I went to church. I haven't been going on the pretense that No matter where I went to church here in Western Oklahoma, it was going to be painful with sermons full of intolerant views of the Bible and God. But my boss (my mom) has been asking about it. I thought it was my mom asking so I was ignoring her but I realised last week it was really my boss asking and I could feel her making notes to ask me at my next Board of Ordained Ministry interview. I will be eligible to be ordained next year, if I pass my interview.

And I have been a little depressed about the church thing. I miss going to good church. Actually I have been depressed about being in Western Oklahoma and about being essentially alone doing this job. I miss teamwork.

I went to a Indian Baptist church in Elk City. The president of the JOM parent program goes there and she told me they sing Cheyenne hymns. I have to teach my kids so Cheyenne before June so I went to go check them out. I was pleasantly astonished at what I found.

First it was a tiny tiny church. There were more kids (about 20) ranging from a newborn to teenagers than adults(about 10). They started church with breakfast for the kids. The Pastor told me a story similar to the story at Clinton. There are always more kids than adults and the kids are hungry. So they feed the kids and include the kids in everything they do. Cooking, cleaning, church service.

It was quite nice to hear him talk about his church's ideas on kids seeing how most people ask me how I am using the kids at Clinton to get adults in church. Despite me telling them that the programs for kids is my primary concern - job- reason for being there.

The church service didn't start until noon. I hadn't planned to be there that long so I left at noon but before I left, the pastor had his congregation pray for me.
He had everyone surround me and put their hands on me. I typically hate this kind of thing, holding hands or being touched by random strangers, but the folks there were so friendly and open that it wasn't freaky. Even the little kids came and prayed for me.

The prayer was led by one of the elder women in the church and it all felt good. I'll go back so I can learn those Cheyenne song and because they were really nice people. But this week I have to mow the church lawn, get rid of an armadillo under the parsonage and mow the grass there, Cut done a 45 minute talk about me and the community center to 5 minutes for GBGM's Board of Directors in Stamford, CT on April 28, plan a sermon for a church in Pryor on April 26 and a sermon + displays for a church in Denton, TX on May 3, along with other stuff. How the heck do you get rid of an armadillo?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Can't Dance

I like asking my kids what the first book in the Bible is just so I can say the clue is "its the name of an 80s soft rock band". I think the looks they get on their faces is hilarious. Of course I have asked them the question so much that they know the answer...

I took 8 kids to Oklahoma City to watch Oklahoma City Thunder Vs Portland Blazers. 8 kids (4 girls and 4 boys) and 5 adults. It was such a production. My mom and I drove our cars, 4 kids per car. I felt sorry for her and gave her the girls but that turned out to be a bad idea because one of the girls ate too many Skittles and barfed in the car.

We feed them pizza then my mom left for a meeting and I split up the kids between 4 adults. 2 kids per adult. And it worked for the most part. When we got to the game, the kids used most of their spending money on candy, caramel apples, cotton candy, snowcones and gummy worms. On top of all that pizza. We had two more kids barfing in the rest room. New rule. No candy when we go on trips. No buying candy either.

So the kids had all that suger and they were literally bouncing in their seats. Luckily there weren't alot of people around us so we didn't bother anyone. But by the 3rd quarter of the game my volunteer adults looked so worn out. My kids were dancing everytime music came on. I encourage it because I thought it would wear them out and they would sleep on the way home.

The girls went to sleep but my car was awake the whole time. The boys told ghost stories and scared themselves. I had to walk one boy from the car to his front door and the car was like four feet from the door. The stories weren't even all that scary.

They had fun. They had been so excited and talk about little else all week. We even had matching shirts. I spent the night before doing iron transfer stuff. I kinda thought it would be easy but it involves a table, a pillow case and heavy pushing down with the iron. I have blisters on both hands. :)

This picture was taken at the end of night. We went to a OKC church to pick up my mom so she could help drive the kids back. They weren't even tired!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I'm Still Standing

I am still awake at 4:42 AM. I slept but then a trip to the bathroom woke me up all the way. No fears, its my day off. And its ok to wear the pajamas all day on your day off. Right?

So I was thinking. The nature of my job leaves many of the lines in my life very blurred. The line between me and my job is almost gone. I set up another blog for my job so I am free to take down the photo of my church on this blog and have it just for me and the stories of my life...but it was kinda hard to do. I couldn't think of myself or describe myself too far from my job. I may be my job. And I am awake at 4:42 am on my day off

The line between friends and coworkers is blurred. My friends are my co-workers. By co-workers I mean other pastors in my conference. Meaning the nearest pastor to me is about an hour away. It was my idea to be exiled, though it really was a better idea to be out here in Clinton then an 1 1/2 away in OKC. But I welcomed the exile. I am so over it. What was I thinking...

The line between family and work is blurred cause the mommy is my boss. My boss, Mommy and The Other One, yeah, they enjoy the political games and political pokes and jabs but I am burned out on it.

I'm not trying to tell you something you or I don't know, just doing some nutshelling. My life has become blurry and I prefer clean cut categories.

On the other hand, I do prefer Impressionist artwork. My life is art. How does that sound? My life is a Monet. Or Van Gogh. I'm not quite thinking its "The Scream" so that's good. I think I'll just go back to bed.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

So Much To Say

I am attempting verbalize a couple of understandings I have come to in the last couple of years. The first one sounds childish and shallow but it is still a lesson I struggle with.

"Not everything is about me." In my personal relationship with God, not everything is about me. I marvel that the first time I understood this that I was floored. Depressed and angry. I hesitate to write about this cause I don’t know if get across the enormity of this one. See, before in my talking with God, it tended to be about me, my needs, my wants, my desires. That’s not to say that I expected anything and everything just because I gave my life to God…but other people never really made into that relationship. I mean, I prayed for other people but it was just Me-and-God-against-the-world, kind of mentality.

In 1999, I went to North Carolina as a US-2 missionary for two years. The years in NC were job-wise, wonderful, personally and spiritually it was hell of a time of “growing.” I left NC broken and angry with God. I felt that I was broken and the ONLY thing holding me together was the grace of God but I wasn’t grateful. I felt that it would have been kinder of God to let me go. Hitting rock bottom isn’t the hard part, it’s the climbing back out.

I was angry at God for 3-4 years about that. Yes, I can hold a grudge for a while. 3-4 years later, in my talking with God, I was complaining about that time and about why God didn’t just let go (you understand that I mean that I thought God should have let me die) when an image of my mother popped into my head. And the question: What would have happened to her if you had died? I replied that she would have understood but I knew that was a lie. She wouldn’t have understood.

I understood the point God had but I was stunned that God had broken up our private relationship to include other people. Even if it was my mother. Not everything is about me. Even when it includes me getting torn apart.

The second thing I am thinking is that “Only certain people can say certain things and have it hold value.” It sounds Harry Potter-ish to me. Actually it was phrase in The Deathly Hallows that helped me with my thinking. pg 373-374 “Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” This is when Harry tells Ron that he is to destroy Voldemort’s locket.

I went to a conference on Native American Spirituality at Bacone College here in Oklahoma. Discussion of forgiving, of prejudice and racism came up. Some of the guests included folks from the East coast. Now east coast natives are different from those in Oklahoma. Most of the East coast tribes were killed, traditions destroyed or they were forced to pretend that were not native in order to live. This was cause the largest influx of Europeans were on the East coast. The further west you go the more the tribes have retained their cultural identity and traditions.

Having lived on the East Coast, I can say that the sun is different there then here in Oklahoma. Here the sun bakes you. You can feel it, sometimes it stings. (Ahhh, it feels good) Not so much with the east coast. The east coast sun is more of a faint breeze and the Oklahoma sun is a slap on the arm. Meaning the east coast folks are lighter. Yes, it’s important.

Some of the east coast Natives were talking about prejudice, racism, history and forgiving but it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t tell they were Native by looking at them. I would have thought they were white. It was almost an insult having a person who can pass for white tell me, the person who would never pass, even after seven years on the East Coast, about prejudice, racism and forgiving. A person who can pass for white wouldn't know how it feels to have a person look at them with fear because their skin is darker. I do.

That’s not to say that light-skinned natives don’t have real issues and east coast natives have issues that are different than us here in Oklahoma. But only a dark-skinned person can talk about forgiving fear, prejudice, and racism and understand the enormity of what they were saying and what it means to actually do so. For anyone else to try, it is an insult.

I understand a little of why I ended up at Drew struggling with the church and Native people. I understand that not just anyone could talk about history, anger and forgiving and have it mean something. Only some who struggles with issues, of anger, of love, of hope can speak and have it hold power. Anyone else who says it, it would be (and has been) just words.

That brings me to the President. Ya know, I am proud to be an American. I never thought I would say that and mean it. I watched the inauguration and was quite weepy through the whole thing. But the thing that I wanted to point out it this: Obama was elected president because he was black man. Because he was a black man that had hope he inspired many many people to have hope. His words had power because he was black. A white man could have come through and repeated the same words but they would have been just that. Words. I think its ok that I say we elected Obama because he was a black with who had hope. He was also a black man telling white folks that they could be a part of change. And he meant it. And they were. We all were…unless you voted for McCain. But hey, you voted so you still did good.

The white man with hope would have no doubt been a great man but his skin color speaks louder than white people like to think. White skin says "I have the right to be here, I have the right to try and your opinion doesn't count." Obama's skin said, "I have been told that I can't succeed, that I don't have the right to lead, that I am not good enough as a white person but I believe, with your help, that can change"

I don't brink this up to incite guilt, anger or shame. I feel like I am just stating facts. white skin and dark skin live in different worlds. But things can change. I believe this. Its why I voted for Obama. Because he was a black man with hope.

Ya know, black people cannot be separated from their blackness anymore than I can be separated from my Native-ness. Personally I like my skin and I have no desire to be colorless. (you know, people like to claim they are colorblind) I think color should be celebrated and that the danger comes in thinking that the different colors mean something. That black people are this, white people are that, native people are another way. Skin color really doesn't speak but we give it power to speak.

The great secret is that we are all just people.

Having said that, regionally, people are different. The thing with Aretha Franklin’s church hat. I was surprised that so many people made a fuss. Saying her hat was too ostentatious. Ya, it’s a older African American women and a southern woman thing. Really, I am not of that southern tradition or African American but I have seen enough TV and movies to understand where it was coming from. Hello, Steel Magnolias ,anyone?

But I am actually glad it’s getting talked about. People claiming to be “color blind” tend to sound like they are saying they would just like to ignore uncomfortable differences. Aretha’s hat was hard to ignore and tons of articles were written about (maybe not tons but when was the last time you saw an article about southern/older African American women’s church hats?) and the articles were explaining about the tradition of the hat and the importance of the matching hat, shoes and pocket book (purse). Yes, I said importance. Education is the key to ending prejudice, racism, ignorance. What a fine start in change for our country!

So, It is ok to get to know another culture. It is ok to notice people are different. People are people but some people grew up different than you did. Even same color people are different. East coast Natives are different than Oklahoma Natives. Eastern tribes (Choctaws) are vastly different from western tribes (Cheyenne/Arapaho). Different is OK. Different is Fun. We all need to celebrate different day.

Ok, I am climbing down off my soapbox. I may need to work on my color thoughts some more....feel free to think back at me. I feel like I am still missing some of the more subtle points...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Don't Stand so Close to Me

So all the OIMC pastors were rounded up for our yearly January Seminar. This year was Sexual Ethics. I haven't recovered from the Sexual Ethics thing we had to do at Drew. But this one wasn't too bad. Well, there was the strange question we got from a pastor I don't know, about what to do with folks who didn't grow up Christian and were expecting 10 virgins when they got into heaven. That one came out of nowhere but it was priceless. A little scary considering he has a church but I am told that his church takes the useful stuff from him and just lets the rest go. They are use to him.

The seminar included self-care. I found out that prolonged boredom was a stress warning sign. I think I have been bored since 2007, I am a little concerned. I also checked off more warning signs than I thought I would. It kinda sucks because I have been trying to be careful about the stress and I thought I was doing a better job than I am. :(

But I enjoy getting together with the other clergy. They are a fun group of folks. There are about 70-ish of us, elders, local pastors and lay Missioners. I grew up around many of them, I know there kids. It is a comfort to me. I also spent time arguing about bird lice, my inability to sit still while listening, my bad judgement on who I spend the night with (don't ask) and who is the biggest Metho-lebrity (Methodist celebrity) with a good friend/colleague.

Three of us are trying to top each other as to who is the biggest metho-lebrity and in amuses me that the other two really care about winning. I don't care at all but I like watching them get upset. In a good way.

Ten virgins, huh? You know, perhaps more people would get involved in the church if they thought that is what they would get in the end...I do not believe in heaven or hell, on principle, I do what I do because I love God and loving God means loving the people or trying to help the people cause honestly somtimes I am not really all that fond of people...unless those virgins knew how to make a good margarita then I may believe differently.

Cat Scratch Fever

I've changed my mind.  I'm not a bad blogger.  I was looking at the high number of drafts I have saved but haven't published.  I...