So I went on vacation. It was nice. I went to Tuskahoma where the Oklahoma Choctaws had their labor day festival. Its a Choctaw word "Tushka" meaning "warrior" and "homa" meaning "red". Oklahoma means "red man or red people" I am half Oklahoma Choctaw and half Mississippi Choctaw but I identifiy more with the MS side and I tend to feel a little alien at OK Choctaw things. Its subtle differences, kinda like dialects, I suppose, but its enough to make me feel weird.

Actually, now that I think about, I feel out of place with the MS choctaws because most of them speak choctaw and I don't. I fake it really well though. I laugh at the right place when a joke is told...

Anyway, I went camping for 6 days. Granted, it was more luxury camping. I mostly stayed in the air conditioned camper and slept, read books and watched movies. I had an allergy attack the first day and I milked it for the next 5. I went my mom, my aunt Bernie and aunt Lu. They are not actual aunts but I have no complaints. Thats aunt Lu on the far right in the purple mumu. She was so funny. She also stayed in the camper until it was evening and then she got all decked out to attend the free concerts. She would come back whooping and hollering. She is one feisty woman.

(Huh. Feisty doesn't follow that "'I' before 'E' except after 'C'" rule)

We had little lights on our awning. I had fun. When I did emerge from the camper I went to see dancing choctaws. I don't know how to do any of the dances. I think some of it looks like complicated hopping and I don't really like to hop in an uncomplicated fashion so...its probably best that I am not all that into it...

My main complaint about the Oklahoma Choctaws is that they had a buffalo statue, buffalo rides and a teepee (is that spelled right?) out there. Yeah, we didn't hunt buffalo, or ride them or live in teepees. Its madness and talk about confusing people. They didn't have buffalo rides this year and I have never seen anyone ride a buffalo, so now I am kinda curious how thay did that...buffalos that I have seen are bigger than cars and are just big humps... (you spell buffalo a couple of times and it all looks wrong)

I also went to the choctaw Muesem. Apparently tattoos were more acceptable. And less clothing. I got in trouble from David Wilson (My Boss but kinda not really) because I mentioned in one of my classes I taught this summer that the dress I had was not original but that we (Choctaws) probably wore less clothing. I'm guessing here but its all hot and muggy in Mississippi. But he was mad cause he thinks non-native people think Indians were uncivilized and ran around naked. When I mentioned that we probably did run around mostly naked (again: hot and muggy) he almost blew a vein in his head. Can you say "issues"?




After further conversation which included me suggesting he speak to someone about his nakedness issues because being naked is ok, he now says I shouldn't have even been talking about the topic in my class.

The suggestion that he seek help kinda slipped out so I'm glad that's all he said.

Warning: It gets bitter....

You were warned...

Ok, I finally looked at mapquest. Stony Point is not upstate new York. Sorry Melissa. I think it is like just an hour from NYC. I have a tendency to think NY State just consists of NYC. I forget about the true upstate. I leave tomorrow. 4:00am from Clinton. I have to drive to OKC where my flight leaves at 6:30 ish...

I have to teach a 3-hour class on Native Americans and give a 10 min presentation on my thoughts and feelings on the song "As a Fire Meant for Burning" pg 2237 in The Faith We Sing.

I have written exactly 1 page of the 10 min presentation. I think I figured out why I wait til the last minute to write some of my stuff. If I write it earlier I will rewrite it until its all nice and neat and easy to preach/talk about. I have a bit of a stress headache about my 10 min presentation. Which sounds odd considering I am writing a reflection on a Ruth Duck song. But the thing is, I am also teaching a class on Native Americans and the not so happy history of the church...the relationship with the present day church.

So amid Ruth Duck's (I just love her name. I keep giggling when I say it...) pretty picture of the church's duties/responsibilities...history keeps popping up to keep me from singing Kum Ba Ya.

I think I am frustrated by the picture of what we could be but no one ever talks about what has happened and what needs to happen to get there. Like we can all forget who we are and just be this one big happy glob. I mean, I like her lyrics but its all too pretty. It doesn't mention how crappy this God business can get and even though it can get pretty crappy, crappiness isn't a good enough reason not to keep it up. People tend to want to do mission as a feel good action for themselves. It feels good to help poor little Indians. It feels good when the poor look at us with gratitude. How many people would continue to do mission if it didn't feel so dang good?

I am kinda tired of being everyones mission project and being expected to be grateful when I get mailed a bunch of stuff I can't use because no one bothered to ask what was needed. Being poor sucks. And no, I am not F*&^%^%# grateful. (Apparently females are not suppose to be potty mouths here in Oklahoma)

And I get the feeling that if we sing this song people are going to want to sit in a circle and hold hands, close their eyes and sway. Nothing wrong with that but I am not into that. I don't want to hold any one's hand. My mantra for the weekend "I do not have to hold anyones hand. I do not have to hold anyones hand."

Am I just bitter or do I have point? I am really asking too, if you have a thought you want to share...

Its 8:58 pm I have to go to bed at 10:oopm. I guess I better go write it...

On a happy note, I get to see one of my US-2 classmates. yeah!!!

Ode to a good machine

Bi-monthly wasn't what I meant in the last post but you know what I meant.

I will be in Stony Point, NY Aug 20 - 24. I have no idea where that is other than its 2 hours-ish from NYC. I'll be flying into LaGuardia. That makes me happy, It'll be just like old times and I am going to try to get into Manhattan for a bagel. I would seriously kill for a NY Bagel. Seriously.

I hesitate to leave my title up there because it sounds vaguely dirty. And more artistic than I am going to be. My Drew laptop died. It just died without warning! Well I suspected that it was about that time to be shopping for a new computer but I thought I still had time. One night I was surfing the web and listening to my extensive music collection and then I pack it up for a visit with my mommy and it was gone.

I took it to a computer geek person who messed with it and said that my hard drive was so corrupted that he couldn't even pull information off of it let alone reboot it. All my music, all my pictures, all my sermons that I have preached in the last year, all my papers from Drew...gone. I could have sent to serious computer people but I was looking at $700.00 dollars at the very least. And that was just to maybe get info off it.

So, I have a new computer. And I am still in the honeymoon phase with it so....

But its not all that bad, I had a chunk of music on my mp3 player and I can redownload music I bought (thank you Jesus!) off the internet and I had a bunch of the pictures saved on the internet. I also have hard copies of the sermons and school work. But I miss my poor little faithful companion who moved back to Oklahoma with me. Yeah, I know, its a bit much but I almost want to cry.

Oh, and I found out that Clinton, the town I live in, doesn't have a movie theater. David, not my boss anymore, had warned me about moving out of Oklahoma City but I had told him I seeking obscurity and thought I could find it in Clinton, but I did not think that meant obsurity meant living without easy access to movies! And to add insult to injury, Pizza Hut doesn't deliver.

But one of the grocery stores carries my favorite brand of frozen pizza. some yellow box company that makes spinach white pizza. And I suppose I get to the City (ha ha, but not new York city) enough to go to movies there.

David, not my boss anymore, is going to NYC tomorrow. I am upset but in an effort to appease me he said he will eat a street corner bagel for me. And I know that he will probably cut it in line or push someone out of the way because he is so impatient while getting the bagel and that makes me happy.

Hey Jon, Steven Colbert talked about the Lambeth thing you are at/went to? It was so funny.

What I do

I actually kind of like it when I can't truly explain my job. When I worked in the young adult office in Missions personnel at GBGM, my older brother would call every other month to ask me what I actually did there. It was a little complicated but basically I was an advocte for young adults in 4 different young adult missions programs. I was one of several go-to-people for them. We recruited, interviewed, selected, trained and assigned young people for the programs...and then some. We lost our executive and our administrative assistant so we sorta filled in those spots as well. Easy to understand right? My favorite part of the job was that I lived a huge chunk of the time in Atlanta, GA. Where we used to train our people. My favorite city with my favorite airport.

Well, now I live in Clinton, OK. Population of just under 9,000. I work for GBGM again (The General Board of Global Ministries of the United Methodist Church) as a Church & Community worker. The church I served has been accepted as a chruch and community site. Basically I am there to bridge the church and community. Outside of Sunday morning worship. According to my US-2 missionary training, I am there to work myself out of a job. I am to insure that the community becomes invested and takes ownerchip of the church & community center. If I am unable to work myself out of a job then I failed as a missionary. God, I loved my US-2 training!

What do I do? Well, I am a trying to figure that out. I am in the process of assesing needs and trying to get the Cheyenne/Arapaho tribe interested in using our building for their programs for the community. I met with people of tribe and found out that tribe is already interested in more programs for the particular community the church is in, but didn't have a place in the community. But I can't connect with the people who could make it happen, that way I am not recreating programs that already exist. And they have more people to do these things.

I am also the pastor of the Clinton Indian United Methodist Church. When I was explaining to the kids about being a church and community center, one of the kid's primary concern was that the church part of it would really remain a church. The former adults have expressed interest as well. So I am trying to figure out the best use of the space we have for everything. And who will be preaching if I am out raising money for the center on Sunday morning.

I am also still on the ordination track. I am still apart of OIMC. And I have been to two more funerals for pastors. Our pastors are dying too fast. One was a retired pastor a couple of weeks ago and the one on Wednesday was just 52. She died of cancer. She waited to go to the doctor and when she finally went it was too late. She was given 6 months to live. My mom and I went to see her and her husband at her home the Wednesday before; we were on our way to MO to teach at their school of mission. She was in pain and hadn't eaten in a week. The hospital had sent her home to die so her husband was caring for her with a home nurse stopping in every couple of days. Her husband is a lay missioner in our conference. When we were there it seemed like it had just hit him. About his wife really not being there much longer. It was heartwrenching and I still can't process it. Her not being here anymore.

The retired pastor who died a couple of weeks ago, had lupis which I understand is very painful. She also had tuberculosis. So I have been meaning to get another skin test done. My mom and I also went to see her in the hospital in TX. She was also in so much pain. She watched me grow up but I was closer to her former husband as a child. He was also a pastor. He was one of my favorite people because he enjoyed my company and talked to me and would buy me candy and stuff like that. He had died when I was 12. She became a pastor herself and remarried. I just remember her current husband's face as well as her daughter's from her first marriage. The devestation. The daughter was the only left now that her mom was gone. Her sisters and brothers had all died years ago, as well as her father. Its hard to process this as well. It seems so very sureal. I was a pallbearer for her.

We had also just buried another retired pastor who had cancer. I think he had found out he had cancer but it was so far advanced they just gave him about 2 months. I have been trying to deal with all of that and trying not to drag everyone I know to the doctor for checkups.

Well, I do a host of other random things, like teaching at schools of mission and preaching at other churches. I accepted an invitation to preach this Sunday before I got too comfortable not preaching. Enjoying the not preaching made me nervous. Weird, right?

I will be in upstate NY in Aug. In a couple of weeks in fact. I think I am flying in to NYC. I am teaching at the missionary conference there. I still have the kids on Sunday and Thursday nights. I am aslo trying to get people on the center's board and have our first board meeting at the end of them month.

Other than that, I kinda make up the other parts of my job since I am the only on there. That part of my job I truly dislike. Working by myself. Sometimes I am doing all this stuff and then on top of that, I have to motive myself to keep going when it feels like no one would notice if I just stayed in bed all day. Actually no one would notice if I stayed in bed all day. David, my conference superintendent, my boss but not my boss anymore, calls me a lot, I think to make sure I am still there and have not moved back to NJ. I am thinking of asking him to retire and move to Clinton and help me do this. But I am sure it will not always be like this. I will absorb into the community and town and find local help. The people in town as all friendly so...I am expecting the bi-monthly calls from my brother about what I do to start soon.

Careful

I am in the process of moving. Well, the tail end of it now. I moved, with the help of my brother, all my furniture from OKC to Clinton. And in the midst of unpacking, yet again, I lost this thing. This roll of weather strip, the stuff that you put in the door to seal drafts and such. Two days again I was annoyed at myself because it seemed like I bought umpteen rolls of the stuff but today I was noticed a draft by the front door and now I cannot find a single roll of the stuff.

Today is the 3rd or 4th Sunday that I have not preached. And it feels so good. I also haven't been to church in 3 or 4 Sundays. I haven't read my Bible or the lectionary in that time. Granted I have been in the state of turmoil and chaos over moving, getting paid (or not getting paid) and trying to put together a board . I was starting to worry about my lack of church desire because if I remember correctly it took about 4 or 6 months at Drew before I started to miss it. It may have been a year. I don't think my reprieve will last that long. Eventually I will have to start visiting churches for fundraising stuff. But for now I am so happen about not having to do the whole sermon preperation.

I used to dread Sunday mornings. I would toss and turn all night on Saturdays and then almost refuse to get up to write the sermon on Sundays. That was another thing. I absolutely could not get myself to write my sermon before Sunday Morning. I would try to plan it on Mondays and then plan to finish writing it by Wenesday so I could do rewrites and so forth. But they never seemed to come til Sunday Mornings. I wasn't really like this in school. It may have been rewrites the night before but I would never wait till 2 hours before.

I think its the having to preach every Sunday that gets to me. I don't have enough recovery time between Sundays. It takes a lot out of me to preach. When I preach the way I want to, at the end its like everything in me is emptied out. But if I preach like that every Sunday, I would get burned out so, part the lack of disciple is self-defense. And it takes a lot of nerve to preach what does come on Sunday Mornings. Sometimes I would sit in my chair behind the pulpit and have to talk my self into preaching during Sunday Morning worship. It would be because I realised that my topic or an example in my sermon may hit a person a little more strongly than I am comfortable with. I decided to preach about death on Sunday but then during the worship part this young woman walked in with her family. She had lost her mother the week before and I didn't want to be insensitive to her pain. I had figured she would be with her family in a different town because of the funeral. But there she was and that death sermon wanted to be preached that day. That took a lot of convincing to get in the pulpit that day. Well, anyway this is a welcome break from all that worry for a little bit.

The title is a Guster song that I like. Now I have to go find that thing I lost.

Too many days @ the Beach

By the way, this is church and community center that I work at in Clinton, Oklahoma. I live in Clinton, now. Birthplace of Toby Keith. Its not all that bad, the people are friendly. They all do that two finger wave from the steering wheel when you pass them on the streets. If you have ever lived in the country, you know what that means. I kinda like it, though I do the whole hand wave back to them.

Well, VBS is done for one more year!!! Thank you Jesus. Our VBS lasts only three days but I swear. me and the two other teachers almost didn't make it past two days

This my teacher for the older elementry. ----->

I kept trying to tell him that maybe he wanted to teach the early elementry class because of these 4 boys. But he insisted. I peeked in on his class on the second day and it looked like a circus in there. There was bits of paper flying around and he looked stunned. I did warn him.

This is a couple of the early elementary class, my class. They really got into the beach theme. I think they kinda got shafted because i kept going to check on the other teachers to make sure they were still alive. I split the classes up this year. Last year I just had one big group and it was ok but splitting them up was better. They said they had fun though.

My mom was the other teacher. I have no pictures of her because she pretty much hid when it was time to for them to come back together as a group. She was probably curled up in a ball whimpering after each class. She had the preshoolers.

<----This is Sade, one of the clowns in my mom's class. She is three. I think she is so adorable but I am very glad she is not my kid. Last year at VBS she threw this hissy fit like you would not believe! At two, she had not quite grasped the concept of sharing and taking turns. She has improved greatly. I barely heard her crying this year.

This next one, is Kamarie. She is adorable too. Four years old. Her older brother and sister come to the church as well. As the third kid out of four, she has a baby brother, she is used to whining as a way of life. And its contagious, we all end up whining after an hour with her. ------------------>

The last one is Katie. She is so smart. She is four too and has an impressive way of speaking to people. I guess her family doesn't speak down to her. So she is more like a short adult. With a bit of a lisp. They are cute but I am glad its over.

Rules and Guidelines

So, I have a lot of rules in my head. Life tends to be easier for me that way. For instance, rules about who says the mealtime prayer. General rule: If you bought the meal for everyone or if you prepared it, you can be exempt from blessing the food because you need to be blessed for the work you did with the food. After all you can't very well bless yourself, right?

 And I have a rule that for every can of diet soda I drink, I have to drink two glasses of water. When buying clothes, I need to have bonded with the article in question or I can't buy it. Meaning I have to carry it around the store and then see if I 'feel' something about it when it is time to go. I find that if I have bonded with an article of clothing then I am more likely to wear it so I don't end up buying something for the sake of buying it.

And booty calls start at 11:00pm. I actually modified that one. It used to be ten. The rule of not calling people after ten is still in effect but the hour between 10:00 and 11:00 can't truly be considered a booty call. Just rude, even if it is an emergency. And there are lots more...

Now, you might get the impression that I am neat, organized and orderly but you would be wrong. I am a total slob. But if I didn't make up rules and/or guidelines, I would get overwhelmed in my life and be reduced to doing nothing because I wouldn't know what to do. And there was probably a simpler way to explain that.

I just like having rules because then you know what is expected and when you share rules, others know what you expect of them. Things are less messy. Having said that, I don't always choose to follow my rules everytime though I generally end up falling back on them. I also have a hard time following others rules and I am not sure why that is.

I bring all this up because my former roommate, Melissa has a rule of not forgetting roommates b-days. And I didn't. I just forgot where I was in the time continuum. Melissa and I were roommates at Drew and we had a list of rules posted for us and guests to our apt. Including one about no peeing in garbage cans. And no sex on the couch. No bartering roommates for beer. And no taking Jennifer up on her offers of exploratory surgery. No one had tried to pee in the garbage cans or have sex on the couch, but I figured it should be stated as a cautionary measure. I sorta accidently tried to trade Melissa for some beer and someone actually tried to agreed to my offer of exploratory surgery.

I miss those days. :) I miss Melissa. Happy Late Birthday. I hope you had a great day out in the woods.