I Can't Dance

I like asking my kids what the first book in the Bible is just so I can say the clue is "its the name of an 80s soft rock band". I think the looks they get on their faces is hilarious. Of course I have asked them the question so much that they know the answer...

I took 8 kids to Oklahoma City to watch Oklahoma City Thunder Vs Portland Blazers. 8 kids (4 girls and 4 boys) and 5 adults. It was such a production. My mom and I drove our cars, 4 kids per car. I felt sorry for her and gave her the girls but that turned out to be a bad idea because one of the girls ate too many Skittles and barfed in the car.

We feed them pizza then my mom left for a meeting and I split up the kids between 4 adults. 2 kids per adult. And it worked for the most part. When we got to the game, the kids used most of their spending money on candy, caramel apples, cotton candy, snowcones and gummy worms. On top of all that pizza. We had two more kids barfing in the rest room. New rule. No candy when we go on trips. No buying candy either.

So the kids had all that suger and they were literally bouncing in their seats. Luckily there weren't alot of people around us so we didn't bother anyone. But by the 3rd quarter of the game my volunteer adults looked so worn out. My kids were dancing everytime music came on. I encourage it because I thought it would wear them out and they would sleep on the way home.

The girls went to sleep but my car was awake the whole time. The boys told ghost stories and scared themselves. I had to walk one boy from the car to his front door and the car was like four feet from the door. The stories weren't even all that scary.

They had fun. They had been so excited and talk about little else all week. We even had matching shirts. I spent the night before doing iron transfer stuff. I kinda thought it would be easy but it involves a table, a pillow case and heavy pushing down with the iron. I have blisters on both hands. :)

This picture was taken at the end of night. We went to a OKC church to pick up my mom so she could help drive the kids back. They weren't even tired!

I'm Still Standing

I am still awake at 4:42 AM. I slept but then a trip to the bathroom woke me up all the way. No fears, its my day off. And its ok to wear the pajamas all day on your day off. Right?

So I was thinking. The nature of my job leaves many of the lines in my life very blurred. The line between me and my job is almost gone. I set up another blog for my job so I am free to take down the photo of my church on this blog and have it just for me and the stories of my life...but it was kinda hard to do. I couldn't think of myself or describe myself too far from my job. I may be my job. And I am awake at 4:42 am on my day off

The line between friends and coworkers is blurred. My friends are my co-workers. By co-workers I mean other pastors in my conference. Meaning the nearest pastor to me is about an hour away. It was my idea to be exiled, though it really was a better idea to be out here in Clinton then an 1 1/2 away in OKC. But I welcomed the exile. I am so over it. What was I thinking...

The line between family and work is blurred cause the mommy is my boss. My boss, Mommy and The Other One, yeah, they enjoy the political games and political pokes and jabs but I am burned out on it.

I'm not trying to tell you something you or I don't know, just doing some nutshelling. My life has become blurry and I prefer clean cut categories.

On the other hand, I do prefer Impressionist artwork. My life is art. How does that sound? My life is a Monet. Or Van Gogh. I'm not quite thinking its "The Scream" so that's good. I think I'll just go back to bed.

So Much To Say

I am attempting verbalize a couple of understandings I have come to in the last couple of years. The first one sounds childish and shallow but it is still a lesson I struggle with.

"Not everything is about me." In my personal relationship with God, not everything is about me. I marvel that the first time I understood this that I was floored. Depressed and angry. I hesitate to write about this cause I don’t know if get across the enormity of this one. See, before in my talking with God, it tended to be about me, my needs, my wants, my desires. That’s not to say that I expected anything and everything just because I gave my life to God…but other people never really made into that relationship. I mean, I prayed for other people but it was just Me-and-God-against-the-world, kind of mentality.

In 1999, I went to North Carolina as a US-2 missionary for two years. The years in NC were job-wise, wonderful, personally and spiritually it was hell of a time of “growing.” I left NC broken and angry with God. I felt that I was broken and the ONLY thing holding me together was the grace of God but I wasn’t grateful. I felt that it would have been kinder of God to let me go. Hitting rock bottom isn’t the hard part, it’s the climbing back out.

I was angry at God for 3-4 years about that. Yes, I can hold a grudge for a while. 3-4 years later, in my talking with God, I was complaining about that time and about why God didn’t just let go (you understand that I mean that I thought God should have let me die) when an image of my mother popped into my head. And the question: What would have happened to her if you had died? I replied that she would have understood but I knew that was a lie. She wouldn’t have understood.

I understood the point God had but I was stunned that God had broken up our private relationship to include other people. Even if it was my mother. Not everything is about me. Even when it includes me getting torn apart.

The second thing I am thinking is that “Only certain people can say certain things and have it hold value.” It sounds Harry Potter-ish to me. Actually it was phrase in The Deathly Hallows that helped me with my thinking. pg 373-374 “Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” This is when Harry tells Ron that he is to destroy Voldemort’s locket.

I went to a conference on Native American Spirituality at Bacone College here in Oklahoma. Discussion of forgiving, of prejudice and racism came up. Some of the guests included folks from the East coast. Now east coast natives are different from those in Oklahoma. Most of the East coast tribes were killed, traditions destroyed or they were forced to pretend that were not native in order to live. This was cause the largest influx of Europeans were on the East coast. The further west you go the more the tribes have retained their cultural identity and traditions.

Having lived on the East Coast, I can say that the sun is different there then here in Oklahoma. Here the sun bakes you. You can feel it, sometimes it stings. (Ahhh, it feels good) Not so much with the east coast. The east coast sun is more of a faint breeze and the Oklahoma sun is a slap on the arm. Meaning the east coast folks are lighter. Yes, it’s important.

Some of the east coast Natives were talking about prejudice, racism, history and forgiving but it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t tell they were Native by looking at them. I would have thought they were white. It was almost an insult having a person who can pass for white tell me, the person who would never pass, even after seven years on the East Coast, about prejudice, racism and forgiving. A person who can pass for white wouldn't know how it feels to have a person look at them with fear because their skin is darker. I do.

That’s not to say that light-skinned natives don’t have real issues and east coast natives have issues that are different than us here in Oklahoma. But only a dark-skinned person can talk about forgiving fear, prejudice, and racism and understand the enormity of what they were saying and what it means to actually do so. For anyone else to try, it is an insult.

I understand a little of why I ended up at Drew struggling with the church and Native people. I understand that not just anyone could talk about history, anger and forgiving and have it mean something. Only some who struggles with issues, of anger, of love, of hope can speak and have it hold power. Anyone else who says it, it would be (and has been) just words.

That brings me to the President. Ya know, I am proud to be an American. I never thought I would say that and mean it. I watched the inauguration and was quite weepy through the whole thing. But the thing that I wanted to point out it this: Obama was elected president because he was black man. Because he was a black man that had hope he inspired many many people to have hope. His words had power because he was black. A white man could have come through and repeated the same words but they would have been just that. Words. I think its ok that I say we elected Obama because he was a black with who had hope. He was also a black man telling white folks that they could be a part of change. And he meant it. And they were. We all were…unless you voted for McCain. But hey, you voted so you still did good.

The white man with hope would have no doubt been a great man but his skin color speaks louder than white people like to think. White skin says "I have the right to be here, I have the right to try and your opinion doesn't count." Obama's skin said, "I have been told that I can't succeed, that I don't have the right to lead, that I am not good enough as a white person but I believe, with your help, that can change"

I don't brink this up to incite guilt, anger or shame. I feel like I am just stating facts. white skin and dark skin live in different worlds. But things can change. I believe this. Its why I voted for Obama. Because he was a black man with hope.

Ya know, black people cannot be separated from their blackness anymore than I can be separated from my Native-ness. Personally I like my skin and I have no desire to be colorless. (you know, people like to claim they are colorblind) I think color should be celebrated and that the danger comes in thinking that the different colors mean something. That black people are this, white people are that, native people are another way. Skin color really doesn't speak but we give it power to speak.

The great secret is that we are all just people.

Having said that, regionally, people are different. The thing with Aretha Franklin’s church hat. I was surprised that so many people made a fuss. Saying her hat was too ostentatious. Ya, it’s a older African American women and a southern woman thing. Really, I am not of that southern tradition or African American but I have seen enough TV and movies to understand where it was coming from. Hello, Steel Magnolias ,anyone?

But I am actually glad it’s getting talked about. People claiming to be “color blind” tend to sound like they are saying they would just like to ignore uncomfortable differences. Aretha’s hat was hard to ignore and tons of articles were written about (maybe not tons but when was the last time you saw an article about southern/older African American women’s church hats?) and the articles were explaining about the tradition of the hat and the importance of the matching hat, shoes and pocket book (purse). Yes, I said importance. Education is the key to ending prejudice, racism, ignorance. What a fine start in change for our country!

So, It is ok to get to know another culture. It is ok to notice people are different. People are people but some people grew up different than you did. Even same color people are different. East coast Natives are different than Oklahoma Natives. Eastern tribes (Choctaws) are vastly different from western tribes (Cheyenne/Arapaho). Different is OK. Different is Fun. We all need to celebrate different day.

Ok, I am climbing down off my soapbox. I may need to work on my color thoughts some more....feel free to think back at me. I feel like I am still missing some of the more subtle points...

Don't Stand so Close to Me

So all the OIMC pastors were rounded up for our yearly January Seminar. This year was Sexual Ethics. I haven't recovered from the Sexual Ethics thing we had to do at Drew. But this one wasn't too bad. Well, there was the strange question we got from a pastor I don't know, about what to do with folks who didn't grow up Christian and were expecting 10 virgins when they got into heaven. That one came out of nowhere but it was priceless. A little scary considering he has a church but I am told that his church takes the useful stuff from him and just lets the rest go. They are use to him.

The seminar included self-care. I found out that prolonged boredom was a stress warning sign. I think I have been bored since 2007, I am a little concerned. I also checked off more warning signs than I thought I would. It kinda sucks because I have been trying to be careful about the stress and I thought I was doing a better job than I am. :(

But I enjoy getting together with the other clergy. They are a fun group of folks. There are about 70-ish of us, elders, local pastors and lay Missioners. I grew up around many of them, I know there kids. It is a comfort to me. I also spent time arguing about bird lice, my inability to sit still while listening, my bad judgement on who I spend the night with (don't ask) and who is the biggest Metho-lebrity (Methodist celebrity) with a good friend/colleague.

Three of us are trying to top each other as to who is the biggest metho-lebrity and in amuses me that the other two really care about winning. I don't care at all but I like watching them get upset. In a good way.

Ten virgins, huh? You know, perhaps more people would get involved in the church if they thought that is what they would get in the end...I do not believe in heaven or hell, on principle, I do what I do because I love God and loving God means loving the people or trying to help the people cause honestly somtimes I am not really all that fond of people...unless those virgins knew how to make a good margarita then I may believe differently.

Christmas

The Christmas play is over! I survived! Mainly cause my mom came and helped me. Last year, I did the play but I had no idea it was so involved. So I asked my mom to do it this year. We also had 7 adults in attendence this year. Last year we had 2. We are improving. Perhaps next year we will have a packed house. Here is a part of the play and one of the kids.

Africa

I mean the song "Africa" of course. Toto. I heard this on the radio on the way to a christmas party and laughed my head off...though it is a little more funny seeing the video. I had posted the original performance of this group from 10 years ago but its not playing anymore. So this is a more recent recording of the same group.

Thanksgiving

Last year, around the end of Nov, I asked the kids at Clinton if they had learned what Thanksgiving was about at school. They said they learned that a long time ago, the pilgrims saved the Indians because the Indians were hungry and couldn't get food. I was horrified at their response. And I was so mad, I think I stuttered before getting out the real story of Native people.

This year I began early, the end of October, the beginning of Nov talking about thanksgiving. A basic generic story of how the pilgrims had come from another country and since they had come from another country they didn't know how to work the land and they didn't know how to grow food here. The native people were from here so they knew the land so they had food. I asked the kids, what do you think the indians did when they saw that the pilgrims were hungry and had no food?

One ten-year-old boy said, "They gave the pilgrims food but they shouldn't have done it. Look how we get treated today. I wouldn't have shared my food with them."

The entire dilemma of being Native and being Christian can be summed in a single question. And it is a question that I have wrestled with my entire life. The question being: knowing what I know now, would I have chosen to help that group of hungry people. I am sure that if those Indians had chosen not to share, not much would have changed the outcome, we just wouldn't celebrate Thanksgiving.

But it is an issue that most Native Christians have to deal with or figure out how to ignore every thanksgiving. Native Christian pastors have to figure out how to preach about giving thanks knowing the horrendous things that happend to Native people. Knowing that we have never been able to properly grieve. Knowing that even though Nov is Native American Heritage month, we are still invisable...

My initial response to the question has been the same as that ten-year-old boy's. I wouldn't have shared my food. But that response goes against my upbringing, both Native and Christian. So I usually grumble and say well, I would have given them the food I don't like. I preached at another revival this past week where I talked about that little boy. I talked about my anger with the church, about my work in Clinton, and about my being able to let go of that angry. To forgive.

That we who have been hurt by the church and so many people are out who have been hurt in the name of God, Native and non-native. We who have been hurt could go out and do something different because we are the church too. It was hard for me, the whole topic was hard because part of me wanted to agree with that child. But it was the other part of me that answered him. I told him that as Christians, we were meant to live a certain way and God intends that way to include sharing. The Native people long ago also knew there was a good way to live and a way that wasn't so good. No matter what happened later, they chose to live the good way.

But the hard part was that it seemed that those long ago Natives knew all about loving the neighbor and the people who were told by Jesus to love the neighbor did not love the neighbor and now Native people must wrestle with whether or nor they would have.

Wesley's simple rule "do no harm" is so much harder to live out because so much harm has already been done. Native people have a right to their anger but seeing anger and bitterness in a child's eyes doesn't seem like the good way. Native Christians and others who have been hurt by the church, we are the church too and we can do something different. We do not have to perpetuate the hurt done to us by the good church folk. Or another way of saying that would be, we Native people can continue to do as we have already done, we can share our food.