Cat Scratch Fever

I've changed my mind.  I'm not a bad blogger.  I was looking at the high number of drafts I have saved but haven't published.  I do have opinions and ideas and thoughts about lots of current events but after I rant or rave or get out my thoughts, I just get sad. About the events, about what I've said, about people in general and I just can't commit to publishing.

Well.  Last night/early this morning about 1:30 am we went out to try this pizza place that stayed open til 4:00 am.  We returned to find a little dirty kitty stretched out in the middle of the driveway of our parking garage.  He didn't move when we drove near him.  So we parked the car and went to see what happened.

He was a skinny feral cat that hissed when we got too close.  We tried to give him tuna and water but he wasn't interested. He didn't look like he had been hit by a car so we decided he was sick.  We found out there was no 24 place that would take animals and the animal shelter opened at 10 on Sunday so we managed to get him in a box and dragged him to the side so he wouldn't get run over.  

It was 5:00 am at this point. Concerned about fleas and cat illnesses, we left him in the garage with a note letting people know we would take care of him in the morning.

The next morning I went to check on him expecting him to have passed but he was still breathing.  And he was a little more rested and more spry than the few hours before.  As we stood there debating about moving the box and whether he would bite, a man stopped and asked what happened. We explained the situation and after looking in the box said he had seen the cat around for about a week.  The last couple of days the cat had been in a corner of the garage hissing at people. The garage has four levels and we live on the fourth level. The cat was on the second level which is why we wouldn't have seen him before.

We managed to get him and his box in the back seat of the car and took him to Plano Animal Shelter.  I was worried that they wouldn't care about a dirty sick feral cat but I was wrong. They talked to him and told him it would be alright.  Still we almost couldn't leave our little friend after all that but we knew he was feral so even if he got better we couldn't keep him. And as David said, we know he was probably put down.  He is not in pain anymore. Poor kitty. Sigh.

Folks, spay and neuter your pets.  

Sunglasses at Night

I accept that I am a terrible blogger.

So, I like people in theory.  A friend once accused me of only liking people with high entertainment value.  I can't deny the truth of that though I would say that very few people make my friends list so everything and everyone is entertainment...

People is reality ruin my life experiences. They talk too loud at the movies, cut me off in traffic, and so forth.  I live my life trying to ignore people in reality while loving them in theory.  (I also accept that I am an ass...)

Don't get me wrong.  I like my friends.  I have a facebook page, a google+ page, a my space page (I think), a twitter account, and this blog but I am not a fan of sharing.  I guess I could be called a looker.  I like my privacy.  I like people not knowing what I am doing.  I'm guessing this is the product of growing up a preacher's kid.  Everyone was always in my business.  Then they give unasked for opinions, advice and ask awkward questions.  This is what I hate the most.

I have made those accounts to be hard to find me.  I once tried to find me so I could have someone friend me but even I couldn't find me on Facebook.  Then I got married and found out the husband doesn't care about privacy.  At all.  He has tried to curb his exhibitionist tendencies but one can find me through his Facebook page now.

Also when I got married, I neglected to google my new name before I changed it.
New:
First: Jennifer
Middle: Louise Battiest
Last: Neal

So most often my name is listed as Jennifer L Neal.  Turns out there is another Jennifer L Neal, with the same birth date living in Texas. She is a little on the shady side and when potential employers look me up she comes too.

If employers look up my social security number things clear up but who knows if they do.

"You should just tell them." you say?  Do you know how crazy that sounds out loud in a job interview?  Options left are changing my name, which is hard to do in Texas and then they will think, "Oh she changed her name so we wouldn't know she is shady." Or I have to go public.  Go on all those accounts and put my full name and birth date and make it public.  Grrrr.

The husband assures me I am no one special (in a loving way) and no one is going to come looking for me to ask awkward questions, or give advice or opinions. Grrrr.

Ok, the rant is over.

The Recap. Its a doozy. Or Just Long

I feel so guilty. Its February. At least it's February 2015 and not February 2016 J Right? 

                                                       

I will confess these days I am easily distracted.  This week the weirdest illness had me down.  My head was sick but the rest of my body wasn't so it would not cooperate with the Sick Head.  The Sick Head said we need to rest so I can get better.  The Body said I don’t feel sick and I’m not sleepy. Why do I need to be in bed?

I’m not sure how I got better. I’m not sure I’m actually better. And I got distracted a couple days while writing that last paragraph.

Well, we all survived the wedding.  We got married at The Oklahoma Aquarium in Jenks, OK. About two blocks from my mom’s house.  I wanted to get married in front of the Shark tank but the space was too small. So we put the cake table there instead. It was cool.  Every time we go see my mom we like to drive by the ‘scene of the crime’.

So, my job as a Church & Community Center Director/Church & Community Worker/local licensed pastor appointed to extension ministry ended Dec 2010.  I’m trying to word the following without badmouthing, blaming or any of that.  Due to lack of support of Conference Higher ups, I did not feel that I could continue with the ordination process. I think that is the nicest way to word that whole experience. If you have been though the ordination process then you know the hoops, the politics, and the idiocracy of the process.  

Every once in a while I think back on the process and wonder if maybe I didn't try hard enough.  Maybe I should have just jumped the hoops with my mouth closed. But then I think my experience in the years before.  Of being a US-2, working for the General Board of Global Ministries, and getting my Masters at Drew University.  I think I did my best to honest about me being me, I even jumped those dang hoops but the past experiences left me with little patience for the idiocracy.  

The whole thing felt like I was performing a complicated dance number in front of judges who weren't even watching.  My performance wasn't perfect but the person who wrote the Letter of Things to do to Improve also sat on the board of the extension ministry I worked at and had previously told me I was not allowed to do any of the things he wrote in the Letter of Things to do to Improve. 

I was simply at the point where I felt that I did not need that kind of nonsense in my life.  I had learned self care from previous experiences so I chose to walk away.  Walking away from the ordination process meant I was walking away from the kids in Clinton and walking away from the Church & Community Program.                                                                                                

They found someone to replace me at Clinton and I had been preparing the kids since I arrived that I would be leaving one day but assured them that someone else would come to be with them.  They took the news of me leaving well which makes me glad but it broke my heart having to leave them.

I moved to Texas. We decided that it would be easier for me to find a job in Texas then for David to find a job in Oklahoma plus his folks really needed us to be nearby.  We were wrong.  Having a BA in English and a Master in Divinity doesn't get you far especially if you don’t want to work with the church.  I applied for every kind of job around but no one was interested.    

There were several things I found out about myself in this journey of job hunting.  I had always thought of myself as a person that would do what needs to be done in order to survive.  But I’m not. And other people can tell.  I was at a job interview at Super Target and the manager was giving me the run down on a couple of job openings.  One was job in the Deli which included washing dishes and moving heavy things and one was working in a Starbucks area.  

Now I really didn't want to work in a Starbucks so I was leaning towards the deli. The guy looked at me a long time then said you don’t seem like you would be happy working in Deli. Maybe you should try the Starbucks area.

That irritated me. I can move things and do dishes. I took the Starbucks position and watched the deli crew to reassure myself that I could have done it.  Nope, the manager was correct. I wouldn't have been happy in Deli.  Of course I wasn't happy in Starbucks either.  I am a hard worker but what they did in Deli just looked like a beating to me.  I guess I am not a physically hard worker and I am disappointed in myself. Why can't I do it? I feel like an ass.

Now I do have high standards for myself in any job. My philosophy is that I come to work ready to work not make friends. Meaning I am not unfriendly but I get my work done before I lean on a counter and chatter with a coworker.  I was working with high school and college kids who though it was the best thing ever to work at Super Target Starbucks and…they did not feel the same way I do.  I was accused of being professional by one of them.  She meant it was an insult but it made me proud.  They were good coworkers they just didn't understand why I wanted to follow all the rules.

When the manager hired me he told me that the Target employees were like family.  It only took a few hours to see he meant the mostly white managers, department heads and employees were family.  The people who were not white were ignored.  I cringe every time I hear that at a job interview.  And I heard it a lot.  My husband gets annoyed sometimes because I mention things like that.  But I can't un-know or un-see things. More on that later.         

I stayed for about 7 months. I perfected a drink I called Hello Kitty that was a hit. Coconut and raspberry were involved and the drink itself was bight pink.  I am allergic to coconut so I never got to taste it but many coworkers who had never ordered from Starbucks came to order my Hello Kitty. J I also won Starbucks employee of the month.  I quit because...well I just didn't want to work there anymore.  

The other discovery.  I am a Gen Xer acting like a Millennial.  I left a job because I didn't like it. Well, I didn't have great expectations of the job and it was only meant to be a temp job til I found something I wanted to do.  But I left before I found the job I really wanted. Actually I left before I even found another job.

Now I am working for the First Baptist Church in Plano, Texas at their Weekday School. I am a preschool teacher. Of 3 year olds.  Not my dream job but I love my boss and co-workers. I feel cared for.  It has been the balm that my poor battered heart and soul sorely needed. Plus the kids are funny and their parents are laid back.  God has been good to me. 

That was a lot to plow through. I love how the wedding was merely 7 sentences. If I start, I could go on for days about the wedding. It will have to wait.  I’ll talk about the kids I work with now in the next post. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Stay Tuned...

Well, its been a while. But I feel like writing again. Blogging again. I honestly didn't expect that my blog would be here waiting for me. After a couple of days of trying to break into it (the email attached to it no longer exists), I am still undecided about what to say about the Break.

2012 - 2015. Well, I survived the wedding and got married. I moved to Texas and was job-less for about 4.5 months. Now I am working for the First Baptist Church in Plano, Texas, at their Weekday School. I am a preschool teacher.

 I'll be more forthcoming about each of those sentences but I just wanted to get in a few words instead of putting it off like I have been for the last week. So stay tuned for more wacky adventures.

Fireflys

I had a dream the other night. An evalution of a dream. I dreamed about being in a car. When I first had this dream I would dream that I was in the backseat of a moving car and there is no one driving. Later dreams have me diving to the front seat struggling to get in the drivers seat. The other night I dreamed I was driving from the front passenger's seat. I was calm when I realised that maybe the way I was driving wasn't safe. I calmly slid into the drivers seat and put on my seatbealt.

I understand that dreams like these usually represent a person's view of their life. Or somthing like that. I wouldn't have said that my life was outside of my control in my earlier days. I would have said that I was a leaf on the wind going where the wind blew, a strick in a stream going where the current took me...I guess my subconscience was saying something else.

I wouldn't say that I am calm about my life at the moment or that it is moving is a particular positive direction...jobwise. My subconscience is so damn positive and I am trying to hold on to that because when I am awake I look around at so many things unraveling around me I find it hard not to panic.

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So I am finally driving. I have to think this is a good thing.
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Personally, my life is moving forward in a positive way...but I tell you, this wedding stuff is insane. Our first venue fell through so my mom and I went to check out the second venue. The Oklahoma Aquarium. I'd be getting married in front of the shark viewing tank. I'm quite excited about this. David hasn't seen it but I am hoping he will be just as excited. We put down our deposit. Its cheaper than our first venue but I am still freaking out about everything.

You know, I'm not that kind of person who has been planning my wedding since I was 5. My aunt had to force me to buy wedding barbie when I was a child. I wanted horses. I've not dreamed about this day so I am getting stressed about the amount of freaking details and money that goes into one freaking day...but I am highly amused about getting married in front of sharks.

The Space Between

I am in Alabama. Gallant Alabama and I have just lost my shark. I have only been here since Sunday. 5 Days but I have no cell phone signal, I have been forced to climb a mountain and all the wonderful funny people have left. I am in Training to be a Church & Community Worker, which I have been for over a year. i'm learning all the things that i have done wrong and I hate being wrong. But I'm only a little bitter about that.

We had about two days of training and then the CCW Bi...they have a conference every two years. Biennial Meeting began. I like CCWers. I have to apologise profusely because I didn't want to come and I gave my mom an unflattering view of these folks. I'm sorry. Really. I had forgotten how amazing CCWs are. It was a reason I wanted to be a CWW in the first place. Because of the sense of community. I mean, they get intense about stuff that I couldn't care less about but whatever. They are funny. I was howling at the retirement reception cause the stories were so great. I was almost creeped out by the puppet story but I think if I had seen it would have been ok...maybe.

But everyone left this morning. About 11 of us are left until Tuesday. 11 of us left to finish training.

So...I freak out a lot. Its just my nature I think. All that repression. It just explodes. I freaked out, mainly due to not being able to get cell phone reception or to watch TV, I have been left alone with my thoughts which is never really a good idea.

I get commissioned as a CCW on Oct 13. I am not all that sure that I am able to make a committment right now. I feel the same way about my ordination which is suppose to happen June 2010. And it comes back to the problem of knowing what I want.

Understand that I know what I want. I know what I want. It just isn't working out that way. I truly believe that things happen for a reason but I don't have to like it. And I don't.

Oddly my reservations are actually some of my relationship issues and reservations. I don't have commitment issues. I take committments very seriously but I am worried that I can't keep a committment to either. I feel a little wishy-washy about both and I'd rather not be a flake about it all. Honestly, the job is hell and the Church & Community program made me out to be the poster child and for the first time it wasn't due to the color of my skin but due to things still beyond my control and nothing to do with me. I don't like the admiring looks when I get so close to just quiting.

My job is hell. I love the kids at Clinton but the conditions that I work in are absolute hell. I keep telling myself that it won't always be this way but I have been saying that for a year. Its drepressingly lonely. Maybe that's not hell for other people but it is for me. I am making strides, yes, but I am so alone.

The upcomming commissioning and ordination, it all makes me feel slightly trapped. OK, a lot trapped. My least favorite feeling in the world. So I was freaking out when we got a morning off for spiritual renewal.

I spent my spiritual renewal time in K-mart and two Halloween stores (I followed everyone else) so I wasn't anticipating renewal but later when I finally decided to read our continueing Ed class material, renewal came anyway.

"To respond to God's call to serve is to spend your life in deep water. It is risky business. You perhaps won't be well liked, and you will always be misunderstood, except by those few folks who choose to follow Jesus and live in the deep water with you. You will never gain any of the world's riches, and will always be troubled by the notion that you're not really doing any good. Deep water is where we tend to find the missio Dei, God's Mission. And yet, it is in the deep water that God is most readily found and that we can be most useful for the kingdom. To look for the Lord's call in your life, listen for that awesome Word of humility and power, and saying yes to God, be sent forth on a journey of faith that will give you the only real reason for living." -Faithful Witness. United Methodist Theology of Mission - John Nuessle

Sometimes its enough just to have someone else admit that this God stuff sucks even when you do everything right-ish but its going to be ok. Its enough for me to get through another couple more weeks. Its enough. Plus, I just found my shark.

September

Wow, its September. I am such a bad blogger. Well.

So ok, I am not territorial about my church. I'm not. One of my colleagues thinks this lack is a detriment. I like to think I am ecumenical. I mean I wouldn't just let any joker off the street, come in and have at my kids,in a preaching sense. I'm actually a little overprotective of my kids. But I would let that Baptist preacher I met a few months back come and have a revival if he wanted. But I have heard him preach, spoke with him about his philosophies and I know that he has changed his church around to accomodate and care for the kids in Elk City.

My kids are different demoninations anyway. But the kids told me that The Mormon church has been visiting them in their homes and they have been going to the Mormon church on Sundays and its kinda got me a little unnerved. Ok, its got me territorial and I have been trying to figure out why. Aside from the fact that I don't know anyone in this Mormon church.

I let my kids ask me questions about whatever they want to, which has led to some interesting discussion about Hell, Baptism, Communion and now Mormons. I don't know too much about Mormons other than some of Joseph Smith's history. (He used to be Methodist...Jim Jones used to be too, but that is for another time...) I let them tell me what the elders have told them. They are impressed that Mormons seem to revere Native people. Personally I think if they were so impressed with Native people then why is there only white folks in leadership positions? Right. But I like to encourage open minds and tolerance with other religions so I just enourage them to do just that. But I do worry.

Part of my uneasiness of the Mormons is from my growing awarness of the lack of programs in other denominations and even the UMC has specifically for Native Americans. Originally I was all for ecumenical leadership in the Clinton Church. I reasoned that if my conference were to one day run out of money to have someone there, then something needed to be in place so the kids wouldn't be left hanging. And if the Indian Baptist church could do what we could not then so be it. And my bosses approved of my idea.

But I am also the chair of OIMC's Campus Ministry Board and I realised that OIMC is the only one interested and trying to provide ministry specifically for Native college students. The one at Oklahoma City University attracts Native student of all denominations and some who are not in church. They come because it is a place where they can come together and be indian. The United Methodist church provides scholarships for Native Students and I have no idea what the other denominations have for Native students. I am the one who sends out opportunities for native college students on our Facebook Campus ministry page from the United Methdist church, like Student Forum. And in thinking of the future of my kids, the United Methodist Church might be the better place.

Will the Morman church provide such support for the kids as the get older? I don't think the Baptist do...

So, United Methodist it is...but, see this is why many indian people go back and forth between denominations. The United Methodist church has OIMC which is specifically for Native folks in Oklahoma, Kansas and Dallas, TX but we have no money (literally), and not enough people. So locally they go to the churches that have enough people and money that care care for them in ways OIMC can't. I can't fault them for that because I still want to use that Baptist church in Elk City to provide more people to help care for my kids but its kind of a sad messed up way to exist.

Side trip

I drove to Mississippi to deliver a table. This table is made out of trees destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. We borrowed it for annual conference. I left Monday with my mom in our New chuch van




Originally I had intended to drive there in one day (11.5 hours) and drive back Tuesday. Ambitious, yes, but totally doable. But, we had a tire blow out in Dallas so we came we didn't make it to MS til Tuesday morning.



And as a treat we drove to Ikea in Frisco, outside of Dallas, TX on the way back.




This my third trip to Louisiana. Waveland is just outside of LA on the MS side so really, I was in Louisiana most of the time. I am going back to LA next week too.

New Orleans. What fun.

May

These postings are getting so spaced out, I figured I'd just label them by month. That and I am just too tired to think of names...or...the song I picked out to title this month's musing turned out to be more than I wanted to share...

So, 34 is not anywhere near an end. Not even a battered and scarred 34 like mine. I am not disappointed by this truth. I'm not. Just a little tired. I spoke at a thing a couple of months ago and this guy came up to me afterwards and says "God has great things planned for you, this is just the beginning."

I guess he thought he was encouraging me but I was kinda dismayed. The guy saw it on my face and looked confused. It didn't help when I then said, "I hope not. I was kinda hoping I was near the end. Ya know, closer to retirement."

I haven't been talking to God lately cause I am worried that the guy may be right. Great things is really another word for great responsibility. I am not opposed to responsibility. I take my responsibilities seriously. It seems so few people do.

I know, I sound so judgemental. Maybe I am.

I went to Student Forum this year. A friend of mine is on the steering committee and as much as I like him I almost dread seeing him because I know he is going to spring something on me that will force me to step outside of my comfort zone. And its not like I don't already do this to myself. He just forces me to take larger and faster steps.

I went pretending this wouldn't happen. But we got there and he hugs us and then he says "I need you to do something. The local native people cancelled on us and I need you to give the native welcome to the area tonight at 7:00"

Now, if you know me, you understand I don't do anything cultural that feels like "a pony show" or entertainment for people. And this was looking like a damn circus act. Unfortunately, I couldn't say no outright, my dad's side of the family was of the Choctaws in Louisiana. I still have family near Alexandria (I've never meet them). It was legit for me to give the welcome. Which brought the second problem.

I didn't want to welcome them there. I practiced saying the words "welcome" but then I wanted to add, "we rescind our invitation, please leave." Which was not going to be helpful. Neither was Marcus who said "just say something pastoral"

So, I am barely able to completely wrap my head about my emerging feelings about the church and forgiving and he was pushing me to take yet another step and be ok with it in the space of 4 hours.

I could feel the pressure of responsibility weighing down on me, threatening to crush me. But I couldn't say no because I know that some at student forum question why they even had to do this, ask local native people to take part and I know how hard Marcus worked to get it and keep it included. Now that he is no longer a part of the steering committee, I am reluctant to hope this practice will continue.

So, I gave the welcome. I talked about my kids at Clinton.(they make the best sermons) I talked about Thanksgiving and bitterness and about choosing the good way to live (That's what you get when you ask a pastor to give a welcome--you get a sermon)

I told them all that to help them understand why it is important to continue to do this seemingly insignificant practice. That this small act is really huge because native people have come to expect nothing but bitterness, especially from the larger church. It was my leap of faith because I am reluctant to hope. I am reluctant to have hope in human decency, compassion and love in the larger church but I do not hesitate to place hope in a God that is able to change things in spite of human limitations.

So, I took an even further leap of faith, for Marcus, for my kids in Clinton, and for all of us that are reluctant to hope in the church and I ended with this.

"Despite what happened in the past, despite what will happen in the future, we still choose the good way to live. We welcome you to the land of our ancestors."

Great responsibility in two sentences. I don't regret it. But so few of us seem to be shouldering responsibily for so many, it just gets tiring sometimes. That sounds like a jack-ass thing to say but I'm tired. Maybe I should talk to God about a vacation.

Armadillos and church

I went to church Sunday. Not mine, I mean, I went to mine later that day but Sunday Morning, I went to church. I haven't been going on the pretense that No matter where I went to church here in Western Oklahoma, it was going to be painful with sermons full of intolerant views of the Bible and God. But my boss (my mom) has been asking about it. I thought it was my mom asking so I was ignoring her but I realised last week it was really my boss asking and I could feel her making notes to ask me at my next Board of Ordained Ministry interview. I will be eligible to be ordained next year, if I pass my interview.

And I have been a little depressed about the church thing. I miss going to good church. Actually I have been depressed about being in Western Oklahoma and about being essentially alone doing this job. I miss teamwork.

I went to a Indian Baptist church in Elk City. The president of the JOM parent program goes there and she told me they sing Cheyenne hymns. I have to teach my kids so Cheyenne before June so I went to go check them out. I was pleasantly astonished at what I found.

First it was a tiny tiny church. There were more kids (about 20) ranging from a newborn to teenagers than adults(about 10). They started church with breakfast for the kids. The Pastor told me a story similar to the story at Clinton. There are always more kids than adults and the kids are hungry. So they feed the kids and include the kids in everything they do. Cooking, cleaning, church service.

It was quite nice to hear him talk about his church's ideas on kids seeing how most people ask me how I am using the kids at Clinton to get adults in church. Despite me telling them that the programs for kids is my primary concern - job- reason for being there.

The church service didn't start until noon. I hadn't planned to be there that long so I left at noon but before I left, the pastor had his congregation pray for me.
He had everyone surround me and put their hands on me. I typically hate this kind of thing, holding hands or being touched by random strangers, but the folks there were so friendly and open that it wasn't freaky. Even the little kids came and prayed for me.

The prayer was led by one of the elder women in the church and it all felt good. I'll go back so I can learn those Cheyenne song and because they were really nice people. But this week I have to mow the church lawn, get rid of an armadillo under the parsonage and mow the grass there, Cut done a 45 minute talk about me and the community center to 5 minutes for GBGM's Board of Directors in Stamford, CT on April 28, plan a sermon for a church in Pryor on April 26 and a sermon + displays for a church in Denton, TX on May 3, along with other stuff. How the heck do you get rid of an armadillo?

I Can't Dance

I like asking my kids what the first book in the Bible is just so I can say the clue is "its the name of an 80s soft rock band". I think the looks they get on their faces is hilarious. Of course I have asked them the question so much that they know the answer...

I took 8 kids to Oklahoma City to watch Oklahoma City Thunder Vs Portland Blazers. 8 kids (4 girls and 4 boys) and 5 adults. It was such a production. My mom and I drove our cars, 4 kids per car. I felt sorry for her and gave her the girls but that turned out to be a bad idea because one of the girls ate too many Skittles and barfed in the car.

We feed them pizza then my mom left for a meeting and I split up the kids between 4 adults. 2 kids per adult. And it worked for the most part. When we got to the game, the kids used most of their spending money on candy, caramel apples, cotton candy, snowcones and gummy worms. On top of all that pizza. We had two more kids barfing in the rest room. New rule. No candy when we go on trips. No buying candy either.

So the kids had all that suger and they were literally bouncing in their seats. Luckily there weren't alot of people around us so we didn't bother anyone. But by the 3rd quarter of the game my volunteer adults looked so worn out. My kids were dancing everytime music came on. I encourage it because I thought it would wear them out and they would sleep on the way home.

The girls went to sleep but my car was awake the whole time. The boys told ghost stories and scared themselves. I had to walk one boy from the car to his front door and the car was like four feet from the door. The stories weren't even all that scary.

They had fun. They had been so excited and talk about little else all week. We even had matching shirts. I spent the night before doing iron transfer stuff. I kinda thought it would be easy but it involves a table, a pillow case and heavy pushing down with the iron. I have blisters on both hands. :)

This picture was taken at the end of night. We went to a OKC church to pick up my mom so she could help drive the kids back. They weren't even tired!

I'm Still Standing

I am still awake at 4:42 AM. I slept but then a trip to the bathroom woke me up all the way. No fears, its my day off. And its ok to wear the pajamas all day on your day off. Right?

So I was thinking. The nature of my job leaves many of the lines in my life very blurred. The line between me and my job is almost gone. I set up another blog for my job so I am free to take down the photo of my church on this blog and have it just for me and the stories of my life...but it was kinda hard to do. I couldn't think of myself or describe myself too far from my job. I may be my job. And I am awake at 4:42 am on my day off

The line between friends and coworkers is blurred. My friends are my co-workers. By co-workers I mean other pastors in my conference. Meaning the nearest pastor to me is about an hour away. It was my idea to be exiled, though it really was a better idea to be out here in Clinton then an 1 1/2 away in OKC. But I welcomed the exile. I am so over it. What was I thinking...

The line between family and work is blurred cause the mommy is my boss. My boss, Mommy and The Other One, yeah, they enjoy the political games and political pokes and jabs but I am burned out on it.

I'm not trying to tell you something you or I don't know, just doing some nutshelling. My life has become blurry and I prefer clean cut categories.

On the other hand, I do prefer Impressionist artwork. My life is art. How does that sound? My life is a Monet. Or Van Gogh. I'm not quite thinking its "The Scream" so that's good. I think I'll just go back to bed.

So Much To Say

I am attempting verbalize a couple of understandings I have come to in the last couple of years. The first one sounds childish and shallow but it is still a lesson I struggle with.

"Not everything is about me." In my personal relationship with God, not everything is about me. I marvel that the first time I understood this that I was floored. Depressed and angry. I hesitate to write about this cause I don’t know if get across the enormity of this one. See, before in my talking with God, it tended to be about me, my needs, my wants, my desires. That’s not to say that I expected anything and everything just because I gave my life to God…but other people never really made into that relationship. I mean, I prayed for other people but it was just Me-and-God-against-the-world, kind of mentality.

In 1999, I went to North Carolina as a US-2 missionary for two years. The years in NC were job-wise, wonderful, personally and spiritually it was hell of a time of “growing.” I left NC broken and angry with God. I felt that I was broken and the ONLY thing holding me together was the grace of God but I wasn’t grateful. I felt that it would have been kinder of God to let me go. Hitting rock bottom isn’t the hard part, it’s the climbing back out.

I was angry at God for 3-4 years about that. Yes, I can hold a grudge for a while. 3-4 years later, in my talking with God, I was complaining about that time and about why God didn’t just let go (you understand that I mean that I thought God should have let me die) when an image of my mother popped into my head. And the question: What would have happened to her if you had died? I replied that she would have understood but I knew that was a lie. She wouldn’t have understood.

I understood the point God had but I was stunned that God had broken up our private relationship to include other people. Even if it was my mother. Not everything is about me. Even when it includes me getting torn apart.

The second thing I am thinking is that “Only certain people can say certain things and have it hold value.” It sounds Harry Potter-ish to me. Actually it was phrase in The Deathly Hallows that helped me with my thinking. pg 373-374 “Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” This is when Harry tells Ron that he is to destroy Voldemort’s locket.

I went to a conference on Native American Spirituality at Bacone College here in Oklahoma. Discussion of forgiving, of prejudice and racism came up. Some of the guests included folks from the East coast. Now east coast natives are different from those in Oklahoma. Most of the East coast tribes were killed, traditions destroyed or they were forced to pretend that were not native in order to live. This was cause the largest influx of Europeans were on the East coast. The further west you go the more the tribes have retained their cultural identity and traditions.

Having lived on the East Coast, I can say that the sun is different there then here in Oklahoma. Here the sun bakes you. You can feel it, sometimes it stings. (Ahhh, it feels good) Not so much with the east coast. The east coast sun is more of a faint breeze and the Oklahoma sun is a slap on the arm. Meaning the east coast folks are lighter. Yes, it’s important.

Some of the east coast Natives were talking about prejudice, racism, history and forgiving but it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t tell they were Native by looking at them. I would have thought they were white. It was almost an insult having a person who can pass for white tell me, the person who would never pass, even after seven years on the East Coast, about prejudice, racism and forgiving. A person who can pass for white wouldn't know how it feels to have a person look at them with fear because their skin is darker. I do.

That’s not to say that light-skinned natives don’t have real issues and east coast natives have issues that are different than us here in Oklahoma. But only a dark-skinned person can talk about forgiving fear, prejudice, and racism and understand the enormity of what they were saying and what it means to actually do so. For anyone else to try, it is an insult.

I understand a little of why I ended up at Drew struggling with the church and Native people. I understand that not just anyone could talk about history, anger and forgiving and have it mean something. Only some who struggles with issues, of anger, of love, of hope can speak and have it hold power. Anyone else who says it, it would be (and has been) just words.

That brings me to the President. Ya know, I am proud to be an American. I never thought I would say that and mean it. I watched the inauguration and was quite weepy through the whole thing. But the thing that I wanted to point out it this: Obama was elected president because he was black man. Because he was a black man that had hope he inspired many many people to have hope. His words had power because he was black. A white man could have come through and repeated the same words but they would have been just that. Words. I think its ok that I say we elected Obama because he was a black with who had hope. He was also a black man telling white folks that they could be a part of change. And he meant it. And they were. We all were…unless you voted for McCain. But hey, you voted so you still did good.

The white man with hope would have no doubt been a great man but his skin color speaks louder than white people like to think. White skin says "I have the right to be here, I have the right to try and your opinion doesn't count." Obama's skin said, "I have been told that I can't succeed, that I don't have the right to lead, that I am not good enough as a white person but I believe, with your help, that can change"

I don't brink this up to incite guilt, anger or shame. I feel like I am just stating facts. white skin and dark skin live in different worlds. But things can change. I believe this. Its why I voted for Obama. Because he was a black man with hope.

Ya know, black people cannot be separated from their blackness anymore than I can be separated from my Native-ness. Personally I like my skin and I have no desire to be colorless. (you know, people like to claim they are colorblind) I think color should be celebrated and that the danger comes in thinking that the different colors mean something. That black people are this, white people are that, native people are another way. Skin color really doesn't speak but we give it power to speak.

The great secret is that we are all just people.

Having said that, regionally, people are different. The thing with Aretha Franklin’s church hat. I was surprised that so many people made a fuss. Saying her hat was too ostentatious. Ya, it’s a older African American women and a southern woman thing. Really, I am not of that southern tradition or African American but I have seen enough TV and movies to understand where it was coming from. Hello, Steel Magnolias ,anyone?

But I am actually glad it’s getting talked about. People claiming to be “color blind” tend to sound like they are saying they would just like to ignore uncomfortable differences. Aretha’s hat was hard to ignore and tons of articles were written about (maybe not tons but when was the last time you saw an article about southern/older African American women’s church hats?) and the articles were explaining about the tradition of the hat and the importance of the matching hat, shoes and pocket book (purse). Yes, I said importance. Education is the key to ending prejudice, racism, ignorance. What a fine start in change for our country!

So, It is ok to get to know another culture. It is ok to notice people are different. People are people but some people grew up different than you did. Even same color people are different. East coast Natives are different than Oklahoma Natives. Eastern tribes (Choctaws) are vastly different from western tribes (Cheyenne/Arapaho). Different is OK. Different is Fun. We all need to celebrate different day.

Ok, I am climbing down off my soapbox. I may need to work on my color thoughts some more....feel free to think back at me. I feel like I am still missing some of the more subtle points...

Don't Stand so Close to Me

So all the OIMC pastors were rounded up for our yearly January Seminar. This year was Sexual Ethics. I haven't recovered from the Sexual Ethics thing we had to do at Drew. But this one wasn't too bad. Well, there was the strange question we got from a pastor I don't know, about what to do with folks who didn't grow up Christian and were expecting 10 virgins when they got into heaven. That one came out of nowhere but it was priceless. A little scary considering he has a church but I am told that his church takes the useful stuff from him and just lets the rest go. They are use to him.

The seminar included self-care. I found out that prolonged boredom was a stress warning sign. I think I have been bored since 2007, I am a little concerned. I also checked off more warning signs than I thought I would. It kinda sucks because I have been trying to be careful about the stress and I thought I was doing a better job than I am. :(

But I enjoy getting together with the other clergy. They are a fun group of folks. There are about 70-ish of us, elders, local pastors and lay Missioners. I grew up around many of them, I know there kids. It is a comfort to me. I also spent time arguing about bird lice, my inability to sit still while listening, my bad judgement on who I spend the night with (don't ask) and who is the biggest Metho-lebrity (Methodist celebrity) with a good friend/colleague.

Three of us are trying to top each other as to who is the biggest metho-lebrity and in amuses me that the other two really care about winning. I don't care at all but I like watching them get upset. In a good way.

Ten virgins, huh? You know, perhaps more people would get involved in the church if they thought that is what they would get in the end...I do not believe in heaven or hell, on principle, I do what I do because I love God and loving God means loving the people or trying to help the people cause honestly somtimes I am not really all that fond of people...unless those virgins knew how to make a good margarita then I may believe differently.

Christmas

The Christmas play is over! I survived! Mainly cause my mom came and helped me. Last year, I did the play but I had no idea it was so involved. So I asked my mom to do it this year. We also had 7 adults in attendence this year. Last year we had 2. We are improving. Perhaps next year we will have a packed house. Here is a part of the play and one of the kids.

Africa

I mean the song "Africa" of course. Toto. I heard this on the radio on the way to a christmas party and laughed my head off...though it is a little more funny seeing the video. I had posted the original performance of this group from 10 years ago but its not playing anymore. So this is a more recent recording of the same group.

Thanksgiving

Last year, around the end of Nov, I asked the kids at Clinton if they had learned what Thanksgiving was about at school. They said they learned that a long time ago, the pilgrims saved the Indians because the Indians were hungry and couldn't get food. I was horrified at their response. And I was so mad, I think I stuttered before getting out the real story of Native people.

This year I began early, the end of October, the beginning of Nov talking about thanksgiving. A basic generic story of how the pilgrims had come from another country and since they had come from another country they didn't know how to work the land and they didn't know how to grow food here. The native people were from here so they knew the land so they had food. I asked the kids, what do you think the indians did when they saw that the pilgrims were hungry and had no food?

One ten-year-old boy said, "They gave the pilgrims food but they shouldn't have done it. Look how we get treated today. I wouldn't have shared my food with them."

The entire dilemma of being Native and being Christian can be summed in a single question. And it is a question that I have wrestled with my entire life. The question being: knowing what I know now, would I have chosen to help that group of hungry people. I am sure that if those Indians had chosen not to share, not much would have changed the outcome, we just wouldn't celebrate Thanksgiving.

But it is an issue that most Native Christians have to deal with or figure out how to ignore every thanksgiving. Native Christian pastors have to figure out how to preach about giving thanks knowing the horrendous things that happend to Native people. Knowing that we have never been able to properly grieve. Knowing that even though Nov is Native American Heritage month, we are still invisable...

My initial response to the question has been the same as that ten-year-old boy's. I wouldn't have shared my food. But that response goes against my upbringing, both Native and Christian. So I usually grumble and say well, I would have given them the food I don't like. I preached at another revival this past week where I talked about that little boy. I talked about my anger with the church, about my work in Clinton, and about my being able to let go of that angry. To forgive.

That we who have been hurt by the church and so many people are out who have been hurt in the name of God, Native and non-native. We who have been hurt could go out and do something different because we are the church too. It was hard for me, the whole topic was hard because part of me wanted to agree with that child. But it was the other part of me that answered him. I told him that as Christians, we were meant to live a certain way and God intends that way to include sharing. The Native people long ago also knew there was a good way to live and a way that wasn't so good. No matter what happened later, they chose to live the good way.

But the hard part was that it seemed that those long ago Natives knew all about loving the neighbor and the people who were told by Jesus to love the neighbor did not love the neighbor and now Native people must wrestle with whether or nor they would have.

Wesley's simple rule "do no harm" is so much harder to live out because so much harm has already been done. Native people have a right to their anger but seeing anger and bitterness in a child's eyes doesn't seem like the good way. Native Christians and others who have been hurt by the church, we are the church too and we can do something different. We do not have to perpetuate the hurt done to us by the good church folk. Or another way of saying that would be, we Native people can continue to do as we have already done, we can share our food.

Rednecks for Obama

Check it out. http://rednecks4obama.com

I saw this article http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081009/pl_afp/usvoteobamarednecks
a couple of days ago. Made me a little teary eyed and I feel better about the world in general these days.

So, ok. Obama is hugely popular because he is African American. But I think only he could say some of the things he is saying and have it mean something. It is because he is not white, it means something to the people. Have to think about that one for a few days...

So, last Friday, my one strong church member called for a healing service. No biggie. Towards the end (the church folk are of the more old school chruch type that have church for hours and hours) I invited those that felt lead to share to share...I was listening as several people talk about their upbringing. They talked about their faithful parents and the fact that these parents prayed so that they felt they never had to. But now the parents are gone and they have realised that they need to pray themselves.

One of the things that I feel is a shortcoming as a pastor is that I have been a christian as long as I can remember. Even when I rebelled in college, I never left the church. And I like the church. I have many fond memories of the church I grew up in. I'm not bragging nor do I think I am better, actually, I think this all detracts from my ability to connect with the people in my congregation.

I was already fighting an uphill battle with them (the adults -about 5 people). They let their church go. By all rights, that church should have been closed. They stopped coming because they had a crappy pastor. But I have a complete lack of compassion for them. They let their church go. I could possibly let it go but the adults are hostile about me being there (apparently I am too young) and about the children and the church and community center being there. The adults have no interest in the community center. Whatever. I am doing my job to the best of my ability working with children and grown folks who act like children. I really prefer the kids. Its frustrating waiting for grown people to get over themselves.

I did have a non-bitter insight earlier today. My beloved church I grew up in. The ultra conservative small United Methodist Choctaw church. The services were all held in Choctaw. The language that I don't speak or understand. They spoke choctaw and sang in choctaw and really I never knew what they were saying. I could intuit what was being said so I learned about church by people's actions. Meaning I never heard any ultra conservative language. At Drew there were those who had grown up in conservative churches and who were deeply hurt by it.


I find that interesting. Maybe its not. But I have long held the idea that Christianity should be action over talking. Or in simpler terms, Christian should just shut up.

But you gotta love those rednecks right? I do.

So What (Seriously I should have been a rock star)

I am in my home office listening to Pink thinking about Politics, economics, dirty dishes and worrying about the fact that I am still in my jammies at 1:00pm. I resolve to be dressed for the day by two. I may even go to my work site. (yes I know it all sounds wrong)

POLITICS: I watched the VP debate too. but I may not be able to watch anymore. Seriously, doesn't it depress you? I used to think that there was a government conspiracy because how else did Bush stay in office but as I go around registering folks to vote, listening to folks talk and buy into what the republicans are saying, as well as listening to smart people not wanting to register to vote because of the failings of the democratic party, I no longer think there was a conspiracy. The American people actually voted to keep Bush in office. And now I am afraid, as I was afraid during the last election. The republicans are going to win.

Of course, the republican party wants people to be afraid. Not for the same reasons that I am afraid. But fear is a powerful motivator. Fear will drive all those survivalists people hiding in the woods but who are registered to vote to get out and vote and they will indeed vote. Fear may be driving me to such stark imagery but can you kinda get what I am saying? Then the people who are not impressed with democrats, who aren't registered to vote anyway, will stay at home making sanctimonious remarks about not having anyone to vote for. And poor Tina Fey will be doomed to play Palin for four years (eight years).

I was an Obama fan early on. I liked him better than Clinton. Though I may have felt better with a Obama/Clinton ticket(I am voting for Obama/Biden) I loved how the idea of Obama becoming president seemed to rally the people. The young people, the non-white community who generally feel voting in elections made no difference, the ones who previously felt that their voices were unheard. Or I watched that Will. I. Am. video too much. But people seemed to find hope in the idea of Obama as president. I loved it. Seeing hope on faces. But then Obama made that remark about small town people during a fundraiser. The guns and religion remark. I will agree that the remark is probably more true than not true but, again all those small town religious gun folk are all registered to vote and they will go out and vote. But not for Obama.

As the heat turns up and political manipulations are getting more desperate...I just don't know. I know perfection is not a reality in dealing with people. But I rather dislike the concept of democracy and of freedom that our country claims we have. Its the reason that many people weren't voting in the first place, they saw through the facade. Its the reason I wasn't voting. But, as I tell folks reluctant to register and vote, that reason wasn't working so its time to try something different. Perhaps if we all just admit that we have a faulty system...?

Some other thoughts: Obama is hugely popular because he is an african american. If he was a white man, would he have made it this far talking about change while having less experience?

Honestly, no. Poor Palin is trying the same trick as a woman. But (I think) its not working as well for her as it is for Obama. So Politics comes down to the devil you know as oppose to the one you don't know. And the American mob is saying we know the republicans.

And I'm afraid.

MONEY
I'm not afraid of the wall street crisis. or by Belgian InBev buying out Budweiser, the great American lager. I am not ignorant of what could happen...I just am not afraid. Granted I don't have any money, stocks, a house or anything. I went to a dinner/theater thing at my Alma Mater Oklahoma City University, sat by strange luck at the same table with the President of OCU, the Bishop of both Oklahoma conferences and the treasurer of the Oklahoma conference. Topics turned to money. The President of OCU, Tom McDaniels asked the Conference Treasurer what he thought. Brian said something about being responsible for either 6 or 10 million dollars of the conference's money. they talk about decisions about building houses about stocks. I listened politely but I don't have any money or a house. My church literally has no money. Am I the lucky one?

Worse comes to worse, we will survive in my conference because the majority of us have no money and we know how to make do. Though I feel bad for Brian and his millions of dollars of responsibility. It makes my stomach hurt to think about it. I actually can't tell if my thinking is off or not. It feels wrong but....

Its almost 2:00pm. I need to go get dressed and make some phone calls.

So I went on vacation. It was nice. I went to Tuskahoma where the Oklahoma Choctaws had their labor day festival. Its a Choctaw word "Tushka" meaning "warrior" and "homa" meaning "red". Oklahoma means "red man or red people" I am half Oklahoma Choctaw and half Mississippi Choctaw but I identifiy more with the MS side and I tend to feel a little alien at OK Choctaw things. Its subtle differences, kinda like dialects, I suppose, but its enough to make me feel weird.

Actually, now that I think about, I feel out of place with the MS choctaws because most of them speak choctaw and I don't. I fake it really well though. I laugh at the right place when a joke is told...

Anyway, I went camping for 6 days. Granted, it was more luxury camping. I mostly stayed in the air conditioned camper and slept, read books and watched movies. I had an allergy attack the first day and I milked it for the next 5. I went my mom, my aunt Bernie and aunt Lu. They are not actual aunts but I have no complaints. Thats aunt Lu on the far right in the purple mumu. She was so funny. She also stayed in the camper until it was evening and then she got all decked out to attend the free concerts. She would come back whooping and hollering. She is one feisty woman.

(Huh. Feisty doesn't follow that "'I' before 'E' except after 'C'" rule)

We had little lights on our awning. I had fun. When I did emerge from the camper I went to see dancing choctaws. I don't know how to do any of the dances. I think some of it looks like complicated hopping and I don't really like to hop in an uncomplicated fashion so...its probably best that I am not all that into it...

My main complaint about the Oklahoma Choctaws is that they had a buffalo statue, buffalo rides and a teepee (is that spelled right?) out there. Yeah, we didn't hunt buffalo, or ride them or live in teepees. Its madness and talk about confusing people. They didn't have buffalo rides this year and I have never seen anyone ride a buffalo, so now I am kinda curious how thay did that...buffalos that I have seen are bigger than cars and are just big humps... (you spell buffalo a couple of times and it all looks wrong)

I also went to the choctaw Muesem. Apparently tattoos were more acceptable. And less clothing. I got in trouble from David Wilson (My Boss but kinda not really) because I mentioned in one of my classes I taught this summer that the dress I had was not original but that we (Choctaws) probably wore less clothing. I'm guessing here but its all hot and muggy in Mississippi. But he was mad cause he thinks non-native people think Indians were uncivilized and ran around naked. When I mentioned that we probably did run around mostly naked (again: hot and muggy) he almost blew a vein in his head. Can you say "issues"?




After further conversation which included me suggesting he speak to someone about his nakedness issues because being naked is ok, he now says I shouldn't have even been talking about the topic in my class.

The suggestion that he seek help kinda slipped out so I'm glad that's all he said.