Cat Scratch Fever

I've changed my mind.  I'm not a bad blogger.  I was looking at the high number of drafts I have saved but haven't published.  I do have opinions and ideas and thoughts about lots of current events but after I rant or rave or get out my thoughts, I just get sad. About the events, about what I've said, about people in general and I just can't commit to publishing.

Well.  Last night/early this morning about 1:30 am we went out to try this pizza place that stayed open til 4:00 am.  We returned to find a little dirty kitty stretched out in the middle of the driveway of our parking garage.  He didn't move when we drove near him.  So we parked the car and went to see what happened.

He was a skinny feral cat that hissed when we got too close.  We tried to give him tuna and water but he wasn't interested. He didn't look like he had been hit by a car so we decided he was sick.  We found out there was no 24 place that would take animals and the animal shelter opened at 10 on Sunday so we managed to get him in a box and dragged him to the side so he wouldn't get run over.  

It was 5:00 am at this point. Concerned about fleas and cat illnesses, we left him in the garage with a note letting people know we would take care of him in the morning.

The next morning I went to check on him expecting him to have passed but he was still breathing.  And he was a little more rested and more spry than the few hours before.  As we stood there debating about moving the box and whether he would bite, a man stopped and asked what happened. We explained the situation and after looking in the box said he had seen the cat around for about a week.  The last couple of days the cat had been in a corner of the garage hissing at people. The garage has four levels and we live on the fourth level. The cat was on the second level which is why we wouldn't have seen him before.

We managed to get him and his box in the back seat of the car and took him to Plano Animal Shelter.  I was worried that they wouldn't care about a dirty sick feral cat but I was wrong. They talked to him and told him it would be alright.  Still we almost couldn't leave our little friend after all that but we knew he was feral so even if he got better we couldn't keep him. And as David said, we know he was probably put down.  He is not in pain anymore. Poor kitty. Sigh.

Folks, spay and neuter your pets.  

Sunglasses at Night

I accept that I am a terrible blogger.

So, I like people in theory.  A friend once accused me of only liking people with high entertainment value.  I can't deny the truth of that though I would say that very few people make my friends list so everything and everyone is entertainment...

People is reality ruin my life experiences. They talk too loud at the movies, cut me off in traffic, and so forth.  I live my life trying to ignore people in reality while loving them in theory.  (I also accept that I am an ass...)

Don't get me wrong.  I like my friends.  I have a facebook page, a google+ page, a my space page (I think), a twitter account, and this blog but I am not a fan of sharing.  I guess I could be called a looker.  I like my privacy.  I like people not knowing what I am doing.  I'm guessing this is the product of growing up a preacher's kid.  Everyone was always in my business.  Then they give unasked for opinions, advice and ask awkward questions.  This is what I hate the most.

I have made those accounts to be hard to find me.  I once tried to find me so I could have someone friend me but even I couldn't find me on Facebook.  Then I got married and found out the husband doesn't care about privacy.  At all.  He has tried to curb his exhibitionist tendencies but one can find me through his Facebook page now.

Also when I got married, I neglected to google my new name before I changed it.
New:
First: Jennifer
Middle: Louise Battiest
Last: Neal

So most often my name is listed as Jennifer L Neal.  Turns out there is another Jennifer L Neal, with the same birth date living in Texas. She is a little on the shady side and when potential employers look me up she comes too.

If employers look up my social security number things clear up but who knows if they do.

"You should just tell them." you say?  Do you know how crazy that sounds out loud in a job interview?  Options left are changing my name, which is hard to do in Texas and then they will think, "Oh she changed her name so we wouldn't know she is shady." Or I have to go public.  Go on all those accounts and put my full name and birth date and make it public.  Grrrr.

The husband assures me I am no one special (in a loving way) and no one is going to come looking for me to ask awkward questions, or give advice or opinions. Grrrr.

Ok, the rant is over.

The Recap. Its a doozy. Or Just Long

I feel so guilty. Its February. At least it's February 2015 and not February 2016 J Right? 

                                                       

I will confess these days I am easily distracted.  This week the weirdest illness had me down.  My head was sick but the rest of my body wasn't so it would not cooperate with the Sick Head.  The Sick Head said we need to rest so I can get better.  The Body said I don’t feel sick and I’m not sleepy. Why do I need to be in bed?

I’m not sure how I got better. I’m not sure I’m actually better. And I got distracted a couple days while writing that last paragraph.

Well, we all survived the wedding.  We got married at The Oklahoma Aquarium in Jenks, OK. About two blocks from my mom’s house.  I wanted to get married in front of the Shark tank but the space was too small. So we put the cake table there instead. It was cool.  Every time we go see my mom we like to drive by the ‘scene of the crime’.

So, my job as a Church & Community Center Director/Church & Community Worker/local licensed pastor appointed to extension ministry ended Dec 2010.  I’m trying to word the following without badmouthing, blaming or any of that.  Due to lack of support of Conference Higher ups, I did not feel that I could continue with the ordination process. I think that is the nicest way to word that whole experience. If you have been though the ordination process then you know the hoops, the politics, and the idiocracy of the process.  

Every once in a while I think back on the process and wonder if maybe I didn't try hard enough.  Maybe I should have just jumped the hoops with my mouth closed. But then I think my experience in the years before.  Of being a US-2, working for the General Board of Global Ministries, and getting my Masters at Drew University.  I think I did my best to honest about me being me, I even jumped those dang hoops but the past experiences left me with little patience for the idiocracy.  

The whole thing felt like I was performing a complicated dance number in front of judges who weren't even watching.  My performance wasn't perfect but the person who wrote the Letter of Things to do to Improve also sat on the board of the extension ministry I worked at and had previously told me I was not allowed to do any of the things he wrote in the Letter of Things to do to Improve. 

I was simply at the point where I felt that I did not need that kind of nonsense in my life.  I had learned self care from previous experiences so I chose to walk away.  Walking away from the ordination process meant I was walking away from the kids in Clinton and walking away from the Church & Community Program.                                                                                                

They found someone to replace me at Clinton and I had been preparing the kids since I arrived that I would be leaving one day but assured them that someone else would come to be with them.  They took the news of me leaving well which makes me glad but it broke my heart having to leave them.

I moved to Texas. We decided that it would be easier for me to find a job in Texas then for David to find a job in Oklahoma plus his folks really needed us to be nearby.  We were wrong.  Having a BA in English and a Master in Divinity doesn't get you far especially if you don’t want to work with the church.  I applied for every kind of job around but no one was interested.    

There were several things I found out about myself in this journey of job hunting.  I had always thought of myself as a person that would do what needs to be done in order to survive.  But I’m not. And other people can tell.  I was at a job interview at Super Target and the manager was giving me the run down on a couple of job openings.  One was job in the Deli which included washing dishes and moving heavy things and one was working in a Starbucks area.  

Now I really didn't want to work in a Starbucks so I was leaning towards the deli. The guy looked at me a long time then said you don’t seem like you would be happy working in Deli. Maybe you should try the Starbucks area.

That irritated me. I can move things and do dishes. I took the Starbucks position and watched the deli crew to reassure myself that I could have done it.  Nope, the manager was correct. I wouldn't have been happy in Deli.  Of course I wasn't happy in Starbucks either.  I am a hard worker but what they did in Deli just looked like a beating to me.  I guess I am not a physically hard worker and I am disappointed in myself. Why can't I do it? I feel like an ass.

Now I do have high standards for myself in any job. My philosophy is that I come to work ready to work not make friends. Meaning I am not unfriendly but I get my work done before I lean on a counter and chatter with a coworker.  I was working with high school and college kids who though it was the best thing ever to work at Super Target Starbucks and…they did not feel the same way I do.  I was accused of being professional by one of them.  She meant it was an insult but it made me proud.  They were good coworkers they just didn't understand why I wanted to follow all the rules.

When the manager hired me he told me that the Target employees were like family.  It only took a few hours to see he meant the mostly white managers, department heads and employees were family.  The people who were not white were ignored.  I cringe every time I hear that at a job interview.  And I heard it a lot.  My husband gets annoyed sometimes because I mention things like that.  But I can't un-know or un-see things. More on that later.         

I stayed for about 7 months. I perfected a drink I called Hello Kitty that was a hit. Coconut and raspberry were involved and the drink itself was bight pink.  I am allergic to coconut so I never got to taste it but many coworkers who had never ordered from Starbucks came to order my Hello Kitty. J I also won Starbucks employee of the month.  I quit because...well I just didn't want to work there anymore.  

The other discovery.  I am a Gen Xer acting like a Millennial.  I left a job because I didn't like it. Well, I didn't have great expectations of the job and it was only meant to be a temp job til I found something I wanted to do.  But I left before I found the job I really wanted. Actually I left before I even found another job.

Now I am working for the First Baptist Church in Plano, Texas at their Weekday School. I am a preschool teacher. Of 3 year olds.  Not my dream job but I love my boss and co-workers. I feel cared for.  It has been the balm that my poor battered heart and soul sorely needed. Plus the kids are funny and their parents are laid back.  God has been good to me. 

That was a lot to plow through. I love how the wedding was merely 7 sentences. If I start, I could go on for days about the wedding. It will have to wait.  I’ll talk about the kids I work with now in the next post. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Stay Tuned...

Well, its been a while. But I feel like writing again. Blogging again. I honestly didn't expect that my blog would be here waiting for me. After a couple of days of trying to break into it (the email attached to it no longer exists), I am still undecided about what to say about the Break.

2012 - 2015. Well, I survived the wedding and got married. I moved to Texas and was job-less for about 4.5 months. Now I am working for the First Baptist Church in Plano, Texas, at their Weekday School. I am a preschool teacher.

 I'll be more forthcoming about each of those sentences but I just wanted to get in a few words instead of putting it off like I have been for the last week. So stay tuned for more wacky adventures.

Fireflys

I had a dream the other night. An evalution of a dream. I dreamed about being in a car. When I first had this dream I would dream that I was in the backseat of a moving car and there is no one driving. Later dreams have me diving to the front seat struggling to get in the drivers seat. The other night I dreamed I was driving from the front passenger's seat. I was calm when I realised that maybe the way I was driving wasn't safe. I calmly slid into the drivers seat and put on my seatbealt.

I understand that dreams like these usually represent a person's view of their life. Or somthing like that. I wouldn't have said that my life was outside of my control in my earlier days. I would have said that I was a leaf on the wind going where the wind blew, a strick in a stream going where the current took me...I guess my subconscience was saying something else.

I wouldn't say that I am calm about my life at the moment or that it is moving is a particular positive direction...jobwise. My subconscience is so damn positive and I am trying to hold on to that because when I am awake I look around at so many things unraveling around me I find it hard not to panic.

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So I am finally driving. I have to think this is a good thing.
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Personally, my life is moving forward in a positive way...but I tell you, this wedding stuff is insane. Our first venue fell through so my mom and I went to check out the second venue. The Oklahoma Aquarium. I'd be getting married in front of the shark viewing tank. I'm quite excited about this. David hasn't seen it but I am hoping he will be just as excited. We put down our deposit. Its cheaper than our first venue but I am still freaking out about everything.

You know, I'm not that kind of person who has been planning my wedding since I was 5. My aunt had to force me to buy wedding barbie when I was a child. I wanted horses. I've not dreamed about this day so I am getting stressed about the amount of freaking details and money that goes into one freaking day...but I am highly amused about getting married in front of sharks.

The Space Between

I am in Alabama. Gallant Alabama and I have just lost my shark. I have only been here since Sunday. 5 Days but I have no cell phone signal, I have been forced to climb a mountain and all the wonderful funny people have left. I am in Training to be a Church & Community Worker, which I have been for over a year. i'm learning all the things that i have done wrong and I hate being wrong. But I'm only a little bitter about that.

We had about two days of training and then the CCW Bi...they have a conference every two years. Biennial Meeting began. I like CCWers. I have to apologise profusely because I didn't want to come and I gave my mom an unflattering view of these folks. I'm sorry. Really. I had forgotten how amazing CCWs are. It was a reason I wanted to be a CWW in the first place. Because of the sense of community. I mean, they get intense about stuff that I couldn't care less about but whatever. They are funny. I was howling at the retirement reception cause the stories were so great. I was almost creeped out by the puppet story but I think if I had seen it would have been ok...maybe.

But everyone left this morning. About 11 of us are left until Tuesday. 11 of us left to finish training.

So...I freak out a lot. Its just my nature I think. All that repression. It just explodes. I freaked out, mainly due to not being able to get cell phone reception or to watch TV, I have been left alone with my thoughts which is never really a good idea.

I get commissioned as a CCW on Oct 13. I am not all that sure that I am able to make a committment right now. I feel the same way about my ordination which is suppose to happen June 2010. And it comes back to the problem of knowing what I want.

Understand that I know what I want. I know what I want. It just isn't working out that way. I truly believe that things happen for a reason but I don't have to like it. And I don't.

Oddly my reservations are actually some of my relationship issues and reservations. I don't have commitment issues. I take committments very seriously but I am worried that I can't keep a committment to either. I feel a little wishy-washy about both and I'd rather not be a flake about it all. Honestly, the job is hell and the Church & Community program made me out to be the poster child and for the first time it wasn't due to the color of my skin but due to things still beyond my control and nothing to do with me. I don't like the admiring looks when I get so close to just quiting.

My job is hell. I love the kids at Clinton but the conditions that I work in are absolute hell. I keep telling myself that it won't always be this way but I have been saying that for a year. Its drepressingly lonely. Maybe that's not hell for other people but it is for me. I am making strides, yes, but I am so alone.

The upcomming commissioning and ordination, it all makes me feel slightly trapped. OK, a lot trapped. My least favorite feeling in the world. So I was freaking out when we got a morning off for spiritual renewal.

I spent my spiritual renewal time in K-mart and two Halloween stores (I followed everyone else) so I wasn't anticipating renewal but later when I finally decided to read our continueing Ed class material, renewal came anyway.

"To respond to God's call to serve is to spend your life in deep water. It is risky business. You perhaps won't be well liked, and you will always be misunderstood, except by those few folks who choose to follow Jesus and live in the deep water with you. You will never gain any of the world's riches, and will always be troubled by the notion that you're not really doing any good. Deep water is where we tend to find the missio Dei, God's Mission. And yet, it is in the deep water that God is most readily found and that we can be most useful for the kingdom. To look for the Lord's call in your life, listen for that awesome Word of humility and power, and saying yes to God, be sent forth on a journey of faith that will give you the only real reason for living." -Faithful Witness. United Methodist Theology of Mission - John Nuessle

Sometimes its enough just to have someone else admit that this God stuff sucks even when you do everything right-ish but its going to be ok. Its enough for me to get through another couple more weeks. Its enough. Plus, I just found my shark.

September

Wow, its September. I am such a bad blogger. Well.

So ok, I am not territorial about my church. I'm not. One of my colleagues thinks this lack is a detriment. I like to think I am ecumenical. I mean I wouldn't just let any joker off the street, come in and have at my kids,in a preaching sense. I'm actually a little overprotective of my kids. But I would let that Baptist preacher I met a few months back come and have a revival if he wanted. But I have heard him preach, spoke with him about his philosophies and I know that he has changed his church around to accomodate and care for the kids in Elk City.

My kids are different demoninations anyway. But the kids told me that The Mormon church has been visiting them in their homes and they have been going to the Mormon church on Sundays and its kinda got me a little unnerved. Ok, its got me territorial and I have been trying to figure out why. Aside from the fact that I don't know anyone in this Mormon church.

I let my kids ask me questions about whatever they want to, which has led to some interesting discussion about Hell, Baptism, Communion and now Mormons. I don't know too much about Mormons other than some of Joseph Smith's history. (He used to be Methodist...Jim Jones used to be too, but that is for another time...) I let them tell me what the elders have told them. They are impressed that Mormons seem to revere Native people. Personally I think if they were so impressed with Native people then why is there only white folks in leadership positions? Right. But I like to encourage open minds and tolerance with other religions so I just enourage them to do just that. But I do worry.

Part of my uneasiness of the Mormons is from my growing awarness of the lack of programs in other denominations and even the UMC has specifically for Native Americans. Originally I was all for ecumenical leadership in the Clinton Church. I reasoned that if my conference were to one day run out of money to have someone there, then something needed to be in place so the kids wouldn't be left hanging. And if the Indian Baptist church could do what we could not then so be it. And my bosses approved of my idea.

But I am also the chair of OIMC's Campus Ministry Board and I realised that OIMC is the only one interested and trying to provide ministry specifically for Native college students. The one at Oklahoma City University attracts Native student of all denominations and some who are not in church. They come because it is a place where they can come together and be indian. The United Methodist church provides scholarships for Native Students and I have no idea what the other denominations have for Native students. I am the one who sends out opportunities for native college students on our Facebook Campus ministry page from the United Methdist church, like Student Forum. And in thinking of the future of my kids, the United Methodist Church might be the better place.

Will the Morman church provide such support for the kids as the get older? I don't think the Baptist do...

So, United Methodist it is...but, see this is why many indian people go back and forth between denominations. The United Methodist church has OIMC which is specifically for Native folks in Oklahoma, Kansas and Dallas, TX but we have no money (literally), and not enough people. So locally they go to the churches that have enough people and money that care care for them in ways OIMC can't. I can't fault them for that because I still want to use that Baptist church in Elk City to provide more people to help care for my kids but its kind of a sad messed up way to exist.