Journey In Paradox

Fireflys

2010-10-12T20:47:00.005-05:00

I had a dream the other night. An evalution of a dream. I dreamed about being in a car. When I first had this dream I would dream that I was in the backseat of a moving car and there is no one driving. Later dreams have me diving to the front seat struggling to get in the drivers seat. The other night I dreamed I was driving from the front passenger's seat. I was calm when I realised that maybe the way I was driving wasn't safe. I calmly slid into the drivers seat and put on my seatbealt.

I understand that dreams like these usually represent a person's view of their life. Or somthing like that. I wouldn't have said that my life was outside of my control in my earlier days. I would have said that I was a leaf on the wind going where the wind blew, a strick in a stream going where the current took me...I guess my subconscience was saying something else.

I wouldn't say that I am calm about my life at the moment or that it is moving is a particular positive direction...jobwise. My subconscience is so damn positive and I am trying to hold on to that because when I am awake I look around at so many things unraveling around me I find it hard not to panic.

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So I am finally driving. I have to think this is a good thing.
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Personally, my life is moving forward in a positive way...but I tell you, this wedding stuff is insane. Our first venue fell through so my mom and I went to check out the second venue. The Oklahoma Aquarium. I'd be getting married in front of the shark viewing tank. I'm quite excited about this. David hasn't seen it but I am hoping he will be just as excited. We put down our deposit. Its cheaper than our first venue but I am still freaking out about everything.

You know, I'm not that kind of person who has been planning my wedding since I was 5. My aunt had to force me to buy wedding barbie when I was a child. I wanted horses. I've not dreamed about this day so I am getting stressed about the amount of freaking details and money that goes into one freaking day...but I am highly amused about getting married in front of sharks.

The Space Between

2009-10-02T19:08:00.006-05:00

I am in Alabama. Gallant Alabama and I have just lost my shark. I have only been here since Sunday. 5 Days but I have no cell phone signal, I have been forced to climb a mountain and all the wonderful funny people have left. I am in Training to be a Church & Community Worker, which I have been for over a year. i'm learning all the things that i have done wrong and I hate being wrong. But I'm only a little bitter about that.

We had about two days of training and then the CCW Bi...they have a conference every two years. Biennial Meeting began. I like CCWers. I have to apologise profusely because I didn't want to come and I gave my mom an unflattering view of these folks. I'm sorry. Really. I had forgotten how amazing CCWs are. It was a reason I wanted to be a CWW in the first place. Because of the sense of community. I mean, they get intense about stuff that I couldn't care less about but whatever. They are funny. I was howling at the retirement reception cause the stories were so great. I was almost creeped out by the puppet story but I think if I had seen it would have been ok...maybe.

But everyone left this morning. About 11 of us are left until Tuesday. 11 of us left to finish training.

So...I freak out a lot. Its just my nature I think. All that repression. It just explodes. I freaked out, mainly due to not being able to get cell phone reception or to watch TV, I have been left alone with my thoughts which is never really a good idea.

I get commissioned as a CCW on Oct 13. I am not all that sure that I am able to make a committment right now. I feel the same way about my ordination which is suppose to happen June 2010. And it comes back to the problem of knowing what I want.

Understand that I know what I want. I know what I want. It just isn't working out that way. I truly believe that things happen for a reason but I don't have to like it. And I don't.

Oddly my reservations are actually some of my relationship issues and reservations. I don't have commitment issues. I take committments very seriously but I am worried that I can't keep a committment to either. I feel a little wishy-washy about both and I'd rather not be a flake about it all. Honestly, the job is hell and the Church & Community program made me out to be the poster child and for the first time it wasn't due to the color of my skin but due to things still beyond my control and nothing to do with me. I don't like the admiring looks when I get so close to just quiting.

My job is hell. I love the kids at Clinton but the conditions that I work in are absolute hell. I keep telling myself that it won't always be this way but I have been saying that for a year. Its drepressingly lonely. Maybe that's not hell for other people but it is for me. I am making strides, yes, but I am so alone.

The upcomming commissioning and ordination, it all makes me feel slightly trapped. OK, a lot trapped. My least favorite feeling in the world. So I was freaking out when we got a morning off for spiritual renewal.

I spent my spiritual renewal time in K-mart and two Halloween stores (I followed everyone else) so I wasn't anticipating renewal but later when I finally decided to read our continueing Ed class material, renewal came anyway.

"To respond to God's call to serve is to spend your life in deep water. It is risky business. You perhaps won't be well liked, and you will always be misunderstood, except by those few folks who choose to follow Jesus and live in the deep water with you. You will never gain any of the world's riches, and will always be troubled by the notion that you're not really doing any good. Deep water is where we tend to find the missio Dei, God's Mission. And yet, it is in the deep water that God is most readily found and that we can be most useful for the kingdom. To look for the Lord's call in your life, listen for that awesome Word of humility and power, and saying yes to God, be sent forth on a journey of faith that will give you the only real reason for living." -Faithful Witness. United Methodist Theology of Mission - John Nuessle

Sometimes its enough just to have someone else admit that this God stuff sucks even when you do everything right-ish but its going to be ok. Its enough for me to get through another couple more weeks. Its enough. Plus, I just found my shark.

September

2009-09-13T21:28:00.002-05:00

Wow, its September. I am such a bad blogger. Well.

So ok, I am not territorial about my church. I'm not. One of my colleagues thinks this lack is a detriment. I like to think I am ecumenical. I mean I wouldn't just let any joker off the street, come in and have at my kids,in a preaching sense. I'm actually a little overprotective of my kids. But I would let that Baptist preacher I met a few months back come and have a revival if he wanted. But I have heard him preach, spoke with him about his philosophies and I know that he has changed his church around to accomodate and care for the kids in Elk City.

My kids are different demoninations anyway. But the kids told me that The Mormon church has been visiting them in their homes and they have been going to the Mormon church on Sundays and its kinda got me a little unnerved. Ok, its got me territorial and I have been trying to figure out why. Aside from the fact that I don't know anyone in this Mormon church.

I let my kids ask me questions about whatever they want to, which has led to some interesting discussion about Hell, Baptism, Communion and now Mormons. I don't know too much about Mormons other than some of Joseph Smith's history. (He used to be Methodist...Jim Jones used to be too, but that is for another time...) I let them tell me what the elders have told them. They are impressed that Mormons seem to revere Native people. Personally I think if they were so impressed with Native people then why is there only white folks in leadership positions? Right. But I like to encourage open minds and tolerance with other religions so I just enourage them to do just that. But I do worry.

Part of my uneasiness of the Mormons is from my growing awarness of the lack of programs in other denominations and even the UMC has specifically for Native Americans. Originally I was all for ecumenical leadership in the Clinton Church. I reasoned that if my conference were to one day run out of money to have someone there, then something needed to be in place so the kids wouldn't be left hanging. And if the Indian Baptist church could do what we could not then so be it. And my bosses approved of my idea.

But I am also the chair of OIMC's Campus Ministry Board and I realised that OIMC is the only one interested and trying to provide ministry specifically for Native college students. The one at Oklahoma City University attracts Native student of all denominations and some who are not in church. They come because it is a place where they can come together and be indian. The United Methodist church provides scholarships for Native Students and I have no idea what the other denominations have for Native students. I am the one who sends out opportunities for native college students on our Facebook Campus ministry page from the United Methdist church, like Student Forum. And in thinking of the future of my kids, the United Methodist Church might be the better place.

Will the Morman church provide such support for the kids as the get older? I don't think the Baptist do...

So, United Methodist it is...but, see this is why many indian people go back and forth between denominations. The United Methodist church has OIMC which is specifically for Native folks in Oklahoma, Kansas and Dallas, TX but we have no money (literally), and not enough people. So locally they go to the churches that have enough people and money that care care for them in ways OIMC can't. I can't fault them for that because I still want to use that Baptist church in Elk City to provide more people to help care for my kids but its kind of a sad messed up way to exist.

Side trip

2009-06-19T11:11:00.005-05:00

I drove to Mississippi to deliver a table. This table is made out of trees destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. We borrowed it for annual conference. I left Monday with my mom in our New chuch van

Originally I had intended to drive there in one day (11.5 hours) and drive back Tuesday. Ambitious, yes, but totally doable. But, we had a tire blow out in Dallas so we came we didn't make it to MS til Tuesday morning.

And as a treat we drove to Ikea in Frisco, outside of Dallas, TX on the way back.

This my third trip to Louisiana. Waveland is just outside of LA on the MS side so really, I was in Louisiana most of the time. I am going back to LA next week too.

New Orleans. What fun.

May

2009-05-31T11:29:00.002-05:00

These postings are getting so spaced out, I figured I'd just label them by month. That and I am just too tired to think of names...or...the song I picked out to title this month's musing turned out to be more than I wanted to share...

So, 34 is not anywhere near an end. Not even a battered and scarred 34 like mine. I am not disappointed by this truth. I'm not. Just a little tired. I spoke at a thing a couple of months ago and this guy came up to me afterwards and says "God has great things planned for you, this is just the beginning."

I guess he thought he was encouraging me but I was kinda dismayed. The guy saw it on my face and looked confused. It didn't help when I then said, "I hope not. I was kinda hoping I was near the end. Ya know, closer to retirement."

I haven't been talking to God lately cause I am worried that the guy may be right. Great things is really another word for great responsibility. I am not opposed to responsibility. I take my responsibilities seriously. It seems so few people do.

I know, I sound so judgemental. Maybe I am.

I went to Student Forum this year. A friend of mine is on the steering committee and as much as I like him I almost dread seeing him because I know he is going to spring something on me that will force me to step outside of my comfort zone. And its not like I don't already do this to myself. He just forces me to take larger and faster steps.

I went pretending this wouldn't happen. But we got there and he hugs us and then he says "I need you to do something. The local native people cancelled on us and I need you to give the native welcome to the area tonight at 7:00"

Now, if you know me, you understand I don't do anything cultural that feels like "a pony show" or entertainment for people. And this was looking like a damn circus act. Unfortunately, I couldn't say no outright, my dad's side of the family was of the Choctaws in Louisiana. I still have family near Alexandria (I've never meet them). It was legit for me to give the welcome. Which brought the second problem.

I didn't want to welcome them there. I practiced saying the words "welcome" but then I wanted to add, "we rescind our invitation, please leave." Which was not going to be helpful. Neither was Marcus who said "just say something pastoral"

So, I am barely able to completely wrap my head about my emerging feelings about the church and forgiving and he was pushing me to take yet another step and be ok with it in the space of 4 hours.

I could feel the pressure of responsibility weighing down on me, threatening to crush me. But I couldn't say no because I know that some at student forum question why they even had to do this, ask local native people to take part and I know how hard Marcus worked to get it and keep it included. Now that he is no longer a part of the steering committee, I am reluctant to hope this practice will continue.

So, I gave the welcome. I talked about my kids at Clinton.(they make the best sermons) I talked about Thanksgiving and bitterness and about choosing the good way to live (That's what you get when you ask a pastor to give a welcome--you get a sermon)

I told them all that to help them understand why it is important to continue to do this seemingly insignificant practice. That this small act is really huge because native people have come to expect nothing but bitterness, especially from the larger church. It was my leap of faith because I am reluctant to hope. I am reluctant to have hope in human decency, compassion and love in the larger church but I do not hesitate to place hope in a God that is able to change things in spite of human limitations.

So, I took an even further leap of faith, for Marcus, for my kids in Clinton, and for all of us that are reluctant to hope in the church and I ended with this.

"Despite what happened in the past, despite what will happen in the future, we still choose the good way to live. We welcome you to the land of our ancestors."

Great responsibility in two sentences. I don't regret it. But so few of us seem to be shouldering responsibily for so many, it just gets tiring sometimes. That sounds like a jack-ass thing to say but I'm tired. Maybe I should talk to God about a vacation.

Armadillos and church

2009-04-20T10:54:00.004-05:00

I went to church Sunday. Not mine, I mean, I went to mine later that day but Sunday Morning, I went to church. I haven't been going on the pretense that No matter where I went to church here in Western Oklahoma, it was going to be painful with sermons full of intolerant views of the Bible and God. But my boss (my mom) has been asking about it. I thought it was my mom asking so I was ignoring her but I realised last week it was really my boss asking and I could feel her making notes to ask me at my next Board of Ordained Ministry interview. I will be eligible to be ordained next year, if I pass my interview.

And I have been a little depressed about the church thing. I miss going to good church. Actually I have been depressed about being in Western Oklahoma and about being essentially alone doing this job. I miss teamwork.

I went to a Indian Baptist church in Elk City. The president of the JOM parent program goes there and she told me they sing Cheyenne hymns. I have to teach my kids so Cheyenne before June so I went to go check them out. I was pleasantly astonished at what I found.

First it was a tiny tiny church. There were more kids (about 20) ranging from a newborn to teenagers than adults(about 10). They started church with breakfast for the kids. The Pastor told me a story similar to the story at Clinton. There are always more kids than adults and the kids are hungry. So they feed the kids and include the kids in everything they do. Cooking, cleaning, church service.

It was quite nice to hear him talk about his church's ideas on kids seeing how most people ask me how I am using the kids at Clinton to get adults in church. Despite me telling them that the programs for kids is my primary concern - job- reason for being there.

The church service didn't start until noon. I hadn't planned to be there that long so I left at noon but before I left, the pastor had his congregation pray for me.
He had everyone surround me and put their hands on me. I typically hate this kind of thing, holding hands or being touched by random strangers, but the folks there were so friendly and open that it wasn't freaky. Even the little kids came and prayed for me.

The prayer was led by one of the elder women in the church and it all felt good. I'll go back so I can learn those Cheyenne song and because they were really nice people. But this week I have to mow the church lawn, get rid of an armadillo under the parsonage and mow the grass there, Cut done a 45 minute talk about me and the community center to 5 minutes for GBGM's Board of Directors in Stamford, CT on April 28, plan a sermon for a church in Pryor on April 26 and a sermon + displays for a church in Denton, TX on May 3, along with other stuff. How the heck do you get rid of an armadillo?

I Can't Dance

2009-02-08T22:44:00.005-06:00

I like asking my kids what the first book in the Bible is just so I can say the clue is "its the name of an 80s soft rock band". I think the looks they get on their faces is hilarious. Of course I have asked them the question so much that they know the answer...

I took 8 kids to Oklahoma City to watch Oklahoma City Thunder Vs Portland Blazers. 8 kids (4 girls and 4 boys) and 5 adults. It was such a production. My mom and I drove our cars, 4 kids per car. I felt sorry for her and gave her the girls but that turned out to be a bad idea because one of the girls ate too many Skittles and barfed in the car.

We feed them pizza then my mom left for a meeting and I split up the kids between 4 adults. 2 kids per adult. And it worked for the most part. When we got to the game, the kids used most of their spending money on candy, caramel apples, cotton candy, snowcones and gummy worms. On top of all that pizza. We had two more kids barfing in the rest room. New rule. No candy when we go on trips. No buying candy either.

So the kids had all that suger and they were literally bouncing in their seats. Luckily there weren't alot of people around us so we didn't bother anyone. But by the 3rd quarter of the game my volunteer adults looked so worn out. My kids were dancing everytime music came on. I encourage it because I thought it would wear them out and they would sleep on the way home.

The girls went to sleep but my car was awake the whole time. The boys told ghost stories and scared themselves. I had to walk one boy from the car to his front door and the car was like four feet from the door. The stories weren't even all that scary.

They had fun. They had been so excited and talk about little else all week. We even had matching shirts. I spent the night before doing iron transfer stuff. I kinda thought it would be easy but it involves a table, a pillow case and heavy pushing down with the iron. I have blisters on both hands. :)

This picture was taken at the end of night. We went to a OKC church to pick up my mom so she could help drive the kids back. They weren't even tired!

I'm Still Standing

2009-02-04T04:41:00.002-06:00

I am still awake at 4:42 AM. I slept but then a trip to the bathroom woke me up all the way. No fears, its my day off. And its ok to wear the pajamas all day on your day off. Right?

So I was thinking. The nature of my job leaves many of the lines in my life very blurred. The line between me and my job is almost gone. I set up another blog for my job so I am free to take down the photo of my church on this blog and have it just for me and the stories of my life...but it was kinda hard to do. I couldn't think of myself or describe myself too far from my job. I may be my job. And I am awake at 4:42 am on my day off

The line between friends and coworkers is blurred. My friends are my co-workers. By co-workers I mean other pastors in my conference. Meaning the nearest pastor to me is about an hour away. It was my idea to be exiled, though it really was a better idea to be out here in Clinton then an 1 1/2 away in OKC. But I welcomed the exile. I am so over it. What was I thinking...

The line between family and work is blurred cause the mommy is my boss. My boss, Mommy and The Other One, yeah, they enjoy the political games and political pokes and jabs but I am burned out on it.

I'm not trying to tell you something you or I don't know, just doing some nutshelling. My life has become blurry and I prefer clean cut categories.

On the other hand, I do prefer Impressionist artwork. My life is art. How does that sound? My life is a Monet. Or Van Gogh. I'm not quite thinking its "The Scream" so that's good. I think I'll just go back to bed.

So Much To Say

2009-01-27T22:33:00.007-06:00

I am attempting verbalize a couple of understandings I have come to in the last couple of years. The first one sounds childish and shallow but it is still a lesson I struggle with.

"Not everything is about me." In my personal relationship with God, not everything is about me. I marvel that the first time I understood this that I was floored. Depressed and angry. I hesitate to write about this cause I don’t know if get across the enormity of this one. See, before in my talking with God, it tended to be about me, my needs, my wants, my desires. That’s not to say that I expected anything and everything just because I gave my life to God…but other people never really made into that relationship. I mean, I prayed for other people but it was just Me-and-God-against-the-world, kind of mentality.

In 1999, I went to North Carolina as a US-2 missionary for two years. The years in NC were job-wise, wonderful, personally and spiritually it was hell of a time of “growing.” I left NC broken and angry with God. I felt that I was broken and the ONLY thing holding me together was the grace of God but I wasn’t grateful. I felt that it would have been kinder of God to let me go. Hitting rock bottom isn’t the hard part, it’s the climbing back out.

I was angry at God for 3-4 years about that. Yes, I can hold a grudge for a while. 3-4 years later, in my talking with God, I was complaining about that time and about why God didn’t just let go (you understand that I mean that I thought God should have let me die) when an image of my mother popped into my head. And the question: What would have happened to her if you had died? I replied that she would have understood but I knew that was a lie. She wouldn’t have understood.

I understood the point God had but I was stunned that God had broken up our private relationship to include other people. Even if it was my mother. Not everything is about me. Even when it includes me getting torn apart.

The second thing I am thinking is that “Only certain people can say certain things and have it hold value.” It sounds Harry Potter-ish to me. Actually it was phrase in The Deathly Hallows that helped me with my thinking. pg 373-374 “Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” This is when Harry tells Ron that he is to destroy Voldemort’s locket.

I went to a conference on Native American Spirituality at Bacone College here in Oklahoma. Discussion of forgiving, of prejudice and racism came up. Some of the guests included folks from the East coast. Now east coast natives are different from those in Oklahoma. Most of the East coast tribes were killed, traditions destroyed or they were forced to pretend that were not native in order to live. This was cause the largest influx of Europeans were on the East coast. The further west you go the more the tribes have retained their cultural identity and traditions.

Having lived on the East Coast, I can say that the sun is different there then here in Oklahoma. Here the sun bakes you. You can feel it, sometimes it stings. (Ahhh, it feels good) Not so much with the east coast. The east coast sun is more of a faint breeze and the Oklahoma sun is a slap on the arm. Meaning the east coast folks are lighter. Yes, it’s important.

Some of the east coast Natives were talking about prejudice, racism, history and forgiving but it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t tell they were Native by looking at them. I would have thought they were white. It was almost an insult having a person who can pass for white tell me, the person who would never pass, even after seven years on the East Coast, about prejudice, racism and forgiving. A person who can pass for white wouldn't know how it feels to have a person look at them with fear because their skin is darker. I do.

That’s not to say that light-skinned natives don’t have real issues and east coast natives have issues that are different than us here in Oklahoma. But only a dark-skinned person can talk about forgiving fear, prejudice, and racism and understand the enormity of what they were saying and what it means to actually do so. For anyone else to try, it is an insult.

I understand a little of why I ended up at Drew struggling with the church and Native people. I understand that not just anyone could talk about history, anger and forgiving and have it mean something. Only some who struggles with issues, of anger, of love, of hope can speak and have it hold power. Anyone else who says it, it would be (and has been) just words.

That brings me to the President. Ya know, I am proud to be an American. I never thought I would say that and mean it. I watched the inauguration and was quite weepy through the whole thing. But the thing that I wanted to point out it this: Obama was elected president because he was black man. Because he was a black man that had hope he inspired many many people to have hope. His words had power because he was black. A white man could have come through and repeated the same words but they would have been just that. Words. I think its ok that I say we elected Obama because he was a black with who had hope. He was also a black man telling white folks that they could be a part of change. And he meant it. And they were. We all were…unless you voted for McCain. But hey, you voted so you still did good.

The white man with hope would have no doubt been a great man but his skin color speaks louder than white people like to think. White skin says "I have the right to be here, I have the right to try and your opinion doesn't count." Obama's skin said, "I have been told that I can't succeed, that I don't have the right to lead, that I am not good enough as a white person but I believe, with your help, that can change"

I don't brink this up to incite guilt, anger or shame. I feel like I am just stating facts. white skin and dark skin live in different worlds. But things can change. I believe this. Its why I voted for Obama. Because he was a black man with hope.

Ya know, black people cannot be separated from their blackness anymore than I can be separated from my Native-ness. Personally I like my skin and I have no desire to be colorless. (you know, people like to claim they are colorblind) I think color should be celebrated and that the danger comes in thinking that the different colors mean something. That black people are this, white people are that, native people are another way. Skin color really doesn't speak but we give it power to speak.

The great secret is that we are all just people.

Having said that, regionally, people are different. The thing with Aretha Franklin’s church hat. I was surprised that so many people made a fuss. Saying her hat was too ostentatious. Ya, it’s a older African American women and a southern woman thing. Really, I am not of that southern tradition or African American but I have seen enough TV and movies to understand where it was coming from. Hello, Steel Magnolias ,anyone?

But I am actually glad it’s getting talked about. People claiming to be “color blind” tend to sound like they are saying they would just like to ignore uncomfortable differences. Aretha’s hat was hard to ignore and tons of articles were written about (maybe not tons but when was the last time you saw an article about southern/older African American women’s church hats?) and the articles were explaining about the tradition of the hat and the importance of the matching hat, shoes and pocket book (purse). Yes, I said importance. Education is the key to ending prejudice, racism, ignorance. What a fine start in change for our country!

So, It is ok to get to know another culture. It is ok to notice people are different. People are people but some people grew up different than you did. Even same color people are different. East coast Natives are different than Oklahoma Natives. Eastern tribes (Choctaws) are vastly different from western tribes (Cheyenne/Arapaho). Different is OK. Different is Fun. We all need to celebrate different day.

Ok, I am climbing down off my soapbox. I may need to work on my color thoughts some more....feel free to think back at me. I feel like I am still missing some of the more subtle points...

Don't Stand so Close to Me

2009-01-19T22:26:00.005-06:00

So all the OIMC pastors were rounded up for our yearly January Seminar. This year was Sexual Ethics. I haven't recovered from the Sexual Ethics thing we had to do at Drew. But this one wasn't too bad. Well, there was the strange question we got from a pastor I don't know, about what to do with folks who didn't grow up Christian and were expecting 10 virgins when they got into heaven. That one came out of nowhere but it was priceless. A little scary considering he has a church but I am told that his church takes the useful stuff from him and just lets the rest go. They are use to him.

The seminar included self-care. I found out that prolonged boredom was a stress warning sign. I think I have been bored since 2007, I am a little concerned. I also checked off more warning signs than I thought I would. It kinda sucks because I have been trying to be careful about the stress and I thought I was doing a better job than I am. :(

But I enjoy getting together with the other clergy. They are a fun group of folks. There are about 70-ish of us, elders, local pastors and lay Missioners. I grew up around many of them, I know there kids. It is a comfort to me. I also spent time arguing about bird lice, my inability to sit still while listening, my bad judgement on who I spend the night with (don't ask) and who is the biggest Metho-lebrity (Methodist celebrity) with a good friend/colleague.

Three of us are trying to top each other as to who is the biggest metho-lebrity and in amuses me that the other two really care about winning. I don't care at all but I like watching them get upset. In a good way.

Ten virgins, huh? You know, perhaps more people would get involved in the church if they thought that is what they would get in the end...I do not believe in heaven or hell, on principle, I do what I do because I love God and loving God means loving the people or trying to help the people cause honestly somtimes I am not really all that fond of people...unless those virgins knew how to make a good margarita then I may believe differently.

Christmas

2008-12-21T10:00:00.007-06:00

The Christmas play is over! I survived! Mainly cause my mom came and helped me. Last year, I did the play but I had no idea it was so involved. So I asked my mom to do it this year. We also had 7 adults in attendence this year. Last year we had 2. We are improving. Perhaps next year we will have a packed house. Here is a part of the play and one of the kids.

Africa

2008-12-20T22:32:00.006-06:00

I mean the song "Africa" of course. Toto. I heard this on the radio on the way to a christmas party and laughed my head off...though it is a little more funny seeing the video. I had posted the original performance of this group from 10 years ago but its not playing anymore. So this is a more recent recording of the same group.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-21T23:00:00.005-06:00

Last year, around the end of Nov, I asked the kids at Clinton if they had learned what Thanksgiving was about at school. They said they learned that a long time ago, the pilgrims saved the Indians because the Indians were hungry and couldn't get food. I was horrified at their response. And I was so mad, I think I stuttered before getting out the real story of Native people.

This year I began early, the end of October, the beginning of Nov talking about thanksgiving. A basic generic story of how the pilgrims had come from another country and since they had come from another country they didn't know how to work the land and they didn't know how to grow food here. The native people were from here so they knew the land so they had food. I asked the kids, what do you think the indians did when they saw that the pilgrims were hungry and had no food?

One ten-year-old boy said, "They gave the pilgrims food but they shouldn't have done it. Look how we get treated today. I wouldn't have shared my food with them."

The entire dilemma of being Native and being Christian can be summed in a single question. And it is a question that I have wrestled with my entire life. The question being: knowing what I know now, would I have chosen to help that group of hungry people. I am sure that if those Indians had chosen not to share, not much would have changed the outcome, we just wouldn't celebrate Thanksgiving.

But it is an issue that most Native Christians have to deal with or figure out how to ignore every thanksgiving. Native Christian pastors have to figure out how to preach about giving thanks knowing the horrendous things that happend to Native people. Knowing that we have never been able to properly grieve. Knowing that even though Nov is Native American Heritage month, we are still invisable...

My initial response to the question has been the same as that ten-year-old boy's. I wouldn't have shared my food. But that response goes against my upbringing, both Native and Christian. So I usually grumble and say well, I would have given them the food I don't like. I preached at another revival this past week where I talked about that little boy. I talked about my anger with the church, about my work in Clinton, and about my being able to let go of that angry. To forgive.

That we who have been hurt by the church and so many people are out who have been hurt in the name of God, Native and non-native. We who have been hurt could go out and do something different because we are the church too. It was hard for me, the whole topic was hard because part of me wanted to agree with that child. But it was the other part of me that answered him. I told him that as Christians, we were meant to live a certain way and God intends that way to include sharing. The Native people long ago also knew there was a good way to live and a way that wasn't so good. No matter what happened later, they chose to live the good way.

But the hard part was that it seemed that those long ago Natives knew all about loving the neighbor and the people who were told by Jesus to love the neighbor did not love the neighbor and now Native people must wrestle with whether or nor they would have.

Wesley's simple rule "do no harm" is so much harder to live out because so much harm has already been done. Native people have a right to their anger but seeing anger and bitterness in a child's eyes doesn't seem like the good way. Native Christians and others who have been hurt by the church, we are the church too and we can do something different. We do not have to perpetuate the hurt done to us by the good church folk. Or another way of saying that would be, we Native people can continue to do as we have already done, we can share our food.

Rednecks for Obama

2008-10-13T00:32:00.002-05:00

Check it out. http://rednecks4obama.com

I saw this article http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081009/pl_afp/usvoteobamarednecks
a couple of days ago. Made me a little teary eyed and I feel better about the world in general these days.

So, ok. Obama is hugely popular because he is African American. But I think only he could say some of the things he is saying and have it mean something. It is because he is not white, it means something to the people. Have to think about that one for a few days...

So, last Friday, my one strong church member called for a healing service. No biggie. Towards the end (the church folk are of the more old school chruch type that have church for hours and hours) I invited those that felt lead to share to share...I was listening as several people talk about their upbringing. They talked about their faithful parents and the fact that these parents prayed so that they felt they never had to. But now the parents are gone and they have realised that they need to pray themselves.

One of the things that I feel is a shortcoming as a pastor is that I have been a christian as long as I can remember. Even when I rebelled in college, I never left the church. And I like the church. I have many fond memories of the church I grew up in. I'm not bragging nor do I think I am better, actually, I think this all detracts from my ability to connect with the people in my congregation.

I was already fighting an uphill battle with them (the adults -about 5 people). They let their church go. By all rights, that church should have been closed. They stopped coming because they had a crappy pastor. But I have a complete lack of compassion for them. They let their church go. I could possibly let it go but the adults are hostile about me being there (apparently I am too young) and about the children and the church and community center being there. The adults have no interest in the community center. Whatever. I am doing my job to the best of my ability working with children and grown folks who act like children. I really prefer the kids. Its frustrating waiting for grown people to get over themselves.

I did have a non-bitter insight earlier today. My beloved church I grew up in. The ultra conservative small United Methodist Choctaw church. The services were all held in Choctaw. The language that I don't speak or understand. They spoke choctaw and sang in choctaw and really I never knew what they were saying. I could intuit what was being said so I learned about church by people's actions. Meaning I never heard any ultra conservative language. At Drew there were those who had grown up in conservative churches and who were deeply hurt by it.

I find that interesting. Maybe its not. But I have long held the idea that Christianity should be action over talking. Or in simpler terms, Christian should just shut up.

But you gotta love those rednecks right? I do.

So What (Seriously I should have been a rock star)

2008-10-07T12:47:00.004-05:00

I am in my home office listening to Pink thinking about Politics, economics, dirty dishes and worrying about the fact that I am still in my jammies at 1:00pm. I resolve to be dressed for the day by two. I may even go to my work site. (yes I know it all sounds wrong)

POLITICS: I watched the VP debate too. but I may not be able to watch anymore. Seriously, doesn't it depress you? I used to think that there was a government conspiracy because how else did Bush stay in office but as I go around registering folks to vote, listening to folks talk and buy into what the republicans are saying, as well as listening to smart people not wanting to register to vote because of the failings of the democratic party, I no longer think there was a conspiracy. The American people actually voted to keep Bush in office. And now I am afraid, as I was afraid during the last election. The republicans are going to win.

Of course, the republican party wants people to be afraid. Not for the same reasons that I am afraid. But fear is a powerful motivator. Fear will drive all those survivalists people hiding in the woods but who are registered to vote to get out and vote and they will indeed vote. Fear may be driving me to such stark imagery but can you kinda get what I am saying? Then the people who are not impressed with democrats, who aren't registered to vote anyway, will stay at home making sanctimonious remarks about not having anyone to vote for. And poor Tina Fey will be doomed to play Palin for four years (eight years).

I was an Obama fan early on. I liked him better than Clinton. Though I may have felt better with a Obama/Clinton ticket(I am voting for Obama/Biden) I loved how the idea of Obama becoming president seemed to rally the people. The young people, the non-white community who generally feel voting in elections made no difference, the ones who previously felt that their voices were unheard. Or I watched that Will. I. Am. video too much. But people seemed to find hope in the idea of Obama as president. I loved it. Seeing hope on faces. But then Obama made that remark about small town people during a fundraiser. The guns and religion remark. I will agree that the remark is probably more true than not true but, again all those small town religious gun folk are all registered to vote and they will go out and vote. But not for Obama.

As the heat turns up and political manipulations are getting more desperate...I just don't know. I know perfection is not a reality in dealing with people. But I rather dislike the concept of democracy and of freedom that our country claims we have. Its the reason that many people weren't voting in the first place, they saw through the facade. Its the reason I wasn't voting. But, as I tell folks reluctant to register and vote, that reason wasn't working so its time to try something different. Perhaps if we all just admit that we have a faulty system...?

Some other thoughts: Obama is hugely popular because he is an african american. If he was a white man, would he have made it this far talking about change while having less experience?

Honestly, no. Poor Palin is trying the same trick as a woman. But (I think) its not working as well for her as it is for Obama. So Politics comes down to the devil you know as oppose to the one you don't know. And the American mob is saying we know the republicans.

And I'm afraid.

MONEY
I'm not afraid of the wall street crisis. or by Belgian InBev buying out Budweiser, the great American lager. I am not ignorant of what could happen...I just am not afraid. Granted I don't have any money, stocks, a house or anything. I went to a dinner/theater thing at my Alma Mater Oklahoma City University, sat by strange luck at the same table with the President of OCU, the Bishop of both Oklahoma conferences and the treasurer of the Oklahoma conference. Topics turned to money. The President of OCU, Tom McDaniels asked the Conference Treasurer what he thought. Brian said something about being responsible for either 6 or 10 million dollars of the conference's money. they talk about decisions about building houses about stocks. I listened politely but I don't have any money or a house. My church literally has no money. Am I the lucky one?

Worse comes to worse, we will survive in my conference because the majority of us have no money and we know how to make do. Though I feel bad for Brian and his millions of dollars of responsibility. It makes my stomach hurt to think about it. I actually can't tell if my thinking is off or not. It feels wrong but....

Its almost 2:00pm. I need to go get dressed and make some phone calls.

2008-09-07T21:48:00.010-05:00

So I went on vacation. It was nice. I went to Tuskahoma where the Oklahoma Choctaws had their labor day festival. Its a Choctaw word "Tushka" meaning "warrior" and "homa" meaning "red". Oklahoma means "red man or red people" I am half Oklahoma Choctaw and half Mississippi Choctaw but I identifiy more with the MS side and I tend to feel a little alien at OK Choctaw things. Its subtle differences, kinda like dialects, I suppose, but its enough to make me feel weird.

Actually, now that I think about, I feel out of place with the MS choctaws because most of them speak choctaw and I don't. I fake it really well though. I laugh at the right place when a joke is told...

Anyway, I went camping for 6 days. Granted, it was more luxury camping. I mostly stayed in the air conditioned camper and slept, read books and watched movies. I had an allergy attack the first day and I milked it for the next 5. I went my mom, my aunt Bernie and aunt Lu. They are not actual aunts but I have no complaints. Thats aunt Lu on the far right in the purple mumu. She was so funny. She also stayed in the camper until it was evening and then she got all decked out to attend the free concerts. She would come back whooping and hollering. She is one feisty woman.

(Huh. Feisty doesn't follow that "'I' before 'E' except after 'C'" rule)

We had little lights on our awning. I had fun. When I did emerge from the camper I went to see dancing choctaws. I don't know how to do any of the dances. I think some of it looks like complicated hopping and I don't really like to hop in an uncomplicated fashion so...its probably best that I am not all that into it...

My main complaint about the Oklahoma Choctaws is that they had a buffalo statue, buffalo rides and a teepee (is that spelled right?) out there. Yeah, we didn't hunt buffalo, or ride them or live in teepees. Its madness and talk about confusing people. They didn't have buffalo rides this year and I have never seen anyone ride a buffalo, so now I am kinda curious how thay did that...buffalos that I have seen are bigger than cars and are just big humps... (you spell buffalo a couple of times and it all looks wrong)

I also went to the choctaw Muesem. Apparently tattoos were more acceptable. And less clothing. I got in trouble from David Wilson (My Boss but kinda not really) because I mentioned in one of my classes I taught this summer that the dress I had was not original but that we (Choctaws) probably wore less clothing. I'm guessing here but its all hot and muggy in Mississippi. But he was mad cause he thinks non-native people think Indians were uncivilized and ran around naked. When I mentioned that we probably did run around mostly naked (again: hot and muggy) he almost blew a vein in his head. Can you say "issues"?

After further conversation which included me suggesting he speak to someone about his nakedness issues because being naked is ok, he now says I shouldn't have even been talking about the topic in my class.

The suggestion that he seek help kinda slipped out so I'm glad that's all he said.

I write sins...

2008-09-04T13:57:00.002-05:00

So. I tried to write the dang presentation before I left but ended up writing it like 5 hours before I was suppose to give it. I run entirely on pressure. It went well. I had ample time to freak out before the class I taught and before the presentation. I think I got all the bitterness out before I left so that was good. The presentation kinda sounded like the sermon I gave for Student Forum but to missionaries. Which was pretty daunting. I was already aware that I was asked to speak about mission to a group of cool hardworking missionaries, some who had been in mission to the church longer than I had been alive...

I enjoyed teaching the class. Which is kinda surprising to me. It takes so much out of me, cause I try to make it an amosphere where people can ask any question regarding Native Americans. Questions that are generally annoying to Native people; we shouldn't have to explain anything...but in this space all questions were allowed. I don't think I fully realised how much it took for me to get to this place. I did the class and then I did the presentation the next day without enough recovery time. Meaning I was a little more emotional than I wanted to be during the presentation. Then I was freaking weepy the rest of the time. I cried most of the way home.

You know what else I have discovered? I really don't like being told how to conduct myself or my affairs. In fact, it pisses me off. Advice I can kinda handle but everything else I don't like. When I lived outside of Oklahoma and my conference, people rarely told me what to do. And there was a lot more fawning over me. Yes. I admit I am weak and I like being told I am special. Who doesn't? But now I am back home and being indian isn't special here in my conference. We're all Indian.

Ok, I admit I am spoiled too. I just forgot how nice it is being fawned over. The people at the missionary conference told me I was special and great and all that. I tend to think that David and others have to work with me all the time, so its in their best interest that my head not get too big...

The east coast grass looked greener while I was there. But there was too many deer. And people were telling me how to conduct myself and my business. And to my horror, I may have to adhere to what they were telling me. Well, I could choose not to but it is in my best interest to conform. Thats what I am now. Someone who conforms...I conform...I am like everyone else now...

Ok, I may be a little dramatic too... Don't worry, I won't be whining forever. Evetually even I will tired of it and get over myself. I promise.

Warning: It gets bitter....

2008-08-19T20:51:00.003-05:00

You were warned...

Ok, I finally looked at mapquest. Stony Point is not upstate new York. Sorry Melissa. I think it is like just an hour from NYC. I have a tendency to think NY State just consists of NYC. I forget about the true upstate. I leave tomorrow. 4:00am from Clinton. I have to drive to OKC where my flight leaves at 6:30 ish...

I have to teach a 3-hour class on Native Americans and give a 10 min presentation on my thoughts and feelings on the song "As a Fire Meant for Burning" pg 2237 in The Faith We Sing.

I have written exactly 1 page of the 10 min presentation. I think I figured out why I wait til the last minute to write some of my stuff. If I write it earlier I will rewrite it until its all nice and neat and easy to preach/talk about. I have a bit of a stress headache about my 10 min presentation. Which sounds odd considering I am writing a reflection on a Ruth Duck song. But the thing is, I am also teaching a class on Native Americans and the not so happy history of the church...the relationship with the present day church.

So amid Ruth Duck's (I just love her name. I keep giggling when I say it...) pretty picture of the church's duties/responsibilities...history keeps popping up to keep me from singing Kum Ba Ya.

I think I am frustrated by the picture of what we could be but no one ever talks about what has happened and what needs to happen to get there. Like we can all forget who we are and just be this one big happy glob. I mean, I like her lyrics but its all too pretty. It doesn't mention how crappy this God business can get and even though it can get pretty crappy, crappiness isn't a good enough reason not to keep it up. People tend to want to do mission as a feel good action for themselves. It feels good to help poor little Indians. It feels good when the poor look at us with gratitude. How many people would continue to do mission if it didn't feel so dang good?

I am kinda tired of being everyones mission project and being expected to be grateful when I get mailed a bunch of stuff I can't use because no one bothered to ask what was needed. Being poor sucks. And no, I am not F*&^%^%# grateful. (Apparently females are not suppose to be potty mouths here in Oklahoma)

And I get the feeling that if we sing this song people are going to want to sit in a circle and hold hands, close their eyes and sway. Nothing wrong with that but I am not into that. I don't want to hold any one's hand. My mantra for the weekend "I do not have to hold anyones hand. I do not have to hold anyones hand."

Am I just bitter or do I have point? I am really asking too, if you have a thought you want to share...

Its 8:58 pm I have to go to bed at 10:oopm. I guess I better go write it...

On a happy note, I get to see one of my US-2 classmates. yeah!!!

Ode to a good machine

2008-08-09T23:17:00.006-05:00

Bi-monthly wasn't what I meant in the last post but you know what I meant.

I will be in Stony Point, NY Aug 20 - 24. I have no idea where that is other than its 2 hours-ish from NYC. I'll be flying into LaGuardia. That makes me happy, It'll be just like old times and I am going to try to get into Manhattan for a bagel. I would seriously kill for a NY Bagel. Seriously.

I hesitate to leave my title up there because it sounds vaguely dirty. And more artistic than I am going to be. My Drew laptop died. It just died without warning! Well I suspected that it was about that time to be shopping for a new computer but I thought I still had time. One night I was surfing the web and listening to my extensive music collection and then I pack it up for a visit with my mommy and it was gone.

I took it to a computer geek person who messed with it and said that my hard drive was so corrupted that he couldn't even pull information off of it let alone reboot it. All my music, all my pictures, all my sermons that I have preached in the last year, all my papers from Drew...gone. I could have sent to serious computer people but I was looking at $700.00 dollars at the very least. And that was just to maybe get info off it.

So, I have a new computer. And I am still in the honeymoon phase with it so....

But its not all that bad, I had a chunk of music on my mp3 player and I can redownload music I bought (thank you Jesus!) off the internet and I had a bunch of the pictures saved on the internet. I also have hard copies of the sermons and school work. But I miss my poor little faithful companion who moved back to Oklahoma with me. Yeah, I know, its a bit much but I almost want to cry.

Oh, and I found out that Clinton, the town I live in, doesn't have a movie theater. David, not my boss anymore, had warned me about moving out of Oklahoma City but I had told him I seeking obscurity and thought I could find it in Clinton, but I did not think that meant obsurity meant living without easy access to movies! And to add insult to injury, Pizza Hut doesn't deliver.

But one of the grocery stores carries my favorite brand of frozen pizza. some yellow box company that makes spinach white pizza. And I suppose I get to the City (ha ha, but not new York city) enough to go to movies there.

David, not my boss anymore, is going to NYC tomorrow. I am upset but in an effort to appease me he said he will eat a street corner bagel for me. And I know that he will probably cut it in line or push someone out of the way because he is so impatient while getting the bagel and that makes me happy.

Hey Jon, Steven Colbert talked about the Lambeth thing you are at/went to? It was so funny.

What I do

2008-08-01T19:54:00.002-05:00

I actually kind of like it when I can't truly explain my job. When I worked in the young adult office in Missions personnel at GBGM, my older brother would call every other month to ask me what I actually did there. It was a little complicated but basically I was an advocte for young adults in 4 different young adult missions programs. I was one of several go-to-people for them. We recruited, interviewed, selected, trained and assigned young people for the programs...and then some. We lost our executive and our administrative assistant so we sorta filled in those spots as well. Easy to understand right? My favorite part of the job was that I lived a huge chunk of the time in Atlanta, GA. Where we used to train our people. My favorite city with my favorite airport.

Well, now I live in Clinton, OK. Population of just under 9,000. I work for GBGM again (The General Board of Global Ministries of the United Methodist Church) as a Church & Community worker. The church I served has been accepted as a chruch and community site. Basically I am there to bridge the church and community. Outside of Sunday morning worship. According to my US-2 missionary training, I am there to work myself out of a job. I am to insure that the community becomes invested and takes ownerchip of the church & community center. If I am unable to work myself out of a job then I failed as a missionary. God, I loved my US-2 training!

What do I do? Well, I am a trying to figure that out. I am in the process of assesing needs and trying to get the Cheyenne/Arapaho tribe interested in using our building for their programs for the community. I met with people of tribe and found out that tribe is already interested in more programs for the particular community the church is in, but didn't have a place in the community. But I can't connect with the people who could make it happen, that way I am not recreating programs that already exist. And they have more people to do these things.

I am also the pastor of the Clinton Indian United Methodist Church. When I was explaining to the kids about being a church and community center, one of the kid's primary concern was that the church part of it would really remain a church. The former adults have expressed interest as well. So I am trying to figure out the best use of the space we have for everything. And who will be preaching if I am out raising money for the center on Sunday morning.

I am also still on the ordination track. I am still apart of OIMC. And I have been to two more funerals for pastors. Our pastors are dying too fast. One was a retired pastor a couple of weeks ago and the one on Wednesday was just 52. She died of cancer. She waited to go to the doctor and when she finally went it was too late. She was given 6 months to live. My mom and I went to see her and her husband at her home the Wednesday before; we were on our way to MO to teach at their school of mission. She was in pain and hadn't eaten in a week. The hospital had sent her home to die so her husband was caring for her with a home nurse stopping in every couple of days. Her husband is a lay missioner in our conference. When we were there it seemed like it had just hit him. About his wife really not being there much longer. It was heartwrenching and I still can't process it. Her not being here anymore.

The retired pastor who died a couple of weeks ago, had lupis which I understand is very painful. She also had tuberculosis. So I have been meaning to get another skin test done. My mom and I also went to see her in the hospital in TX. She was also in so much pain. She watched me grow up but I was closer to her former husband as a child. He was also a pastor. He was one of my favorite people because he enjoyed my company and talked to me and would buy me candy and stuff like that. He had died when I was 12. She became a pastor herself and remarried. I just remember her current husband's face as well as her daughter's from her first marriage. The devestation. The daughter was the only left now that her mom was gone. Her sisters and brothers had all died years ago, as well as her father. Its hard to process this as well. It seems so very sureal. I was a pallbearer for her.

We had also just buried another retired pastor who had cancer. I think he had found out he had cancer but it was so far advanced they just gave him about 2 months. I have been trying to deal with all of that and trying not to drag everyone I know to the doctor for checkups.

Well, I do a host of other random things, like teaching at schools of mission and preaching at other churches. I accepted an invitation to preach this Sunday before I got too comfortable not preaching. Enjoying the not preaching made me nervous. Weird, right?

I will be in upstate NY in Aug. In a couple of weeks in fact. I think I am flying in to NYC. I am teaching at the missionary conference there. I still have the kids on Sunday and Thursday nights. I am aslo trying to get people on the center's board and have our first board meeting at the end of them month.

Other than that, I kinda make up the other parts of my job since I am the only on there. That part of my job I truly dislike. Working by myself. Sometimes I am doing all this stuff and then on top of that, I have to motive myself to keep going when it feels like no one would notice if I just stayed in bed all day. Actually no one would notice if I stayed in bed all day. David, my conference superintendent, my boss but not my boss anymore, calls me a lot, I think to make sure I am still there and have not moved back to NJ. I am thinking of asking him to retire and move to Clinton and help me do this. But I am sure it will not always be like this. I will absorb into the community and town and find local help. The people in town as all friendly so...I am expecting the bi-monthly calls from my brother about what I do to start soon.

Careful

2008-07-20T08:43:00.004-05:00

I am in the process of moving. Well, the tail end of it now. I moved, with the help of my brother, all my furniture from OKC to Clinton. And in the midst of unpacking, yet again, I lost this thing. This roll of weather strip, the stuff that you put in the door to seal drafts and such. Two days again I was annoyed at myself because it seemed like I bought umpteen rolls of the stuff but today I was noticed a draft by the front door and now I cannot find a single roll of the stuff.

Today is the 3rd or 4th Sunday that I have not preached. And it feels so good. I also haven't been to church in 3 or 4 Sundays. I haven't read my Bible or the lectionary in that time. Granted I have been in the state of turmoil and chaos over moving, getting paid (or not getting paid) and trying to put together a board . I was starting to worry about my lack of church desire because if I remember correctly it took about 4 or 6 months at Drew before I started to miss it. It may have been a year. I don't think my reprieve will last that long. Eventually I will have to start visiting churches for fundraising stuff. But for now I am so happen about not having to do the whole sermon preperation.

I used to dread Sunday mornings. I would toss and turn all night on Saturdays and then almost refuse to get up to write the sermon on Sundays. That was another thing. I absolutely could not get myself to write my sermon before Sunday Morning. I would try to plan it on Mondays and then plan to finish writing it by Wenesday so I could do rewrites and so forth. But they never seemed to come til Sunday Mornings. I wasn't really like this in school. It may have been rewrites the night before but I would never wait till 2 hours before.

I think its the having to preach every Sunday that gets to me. I don't have enough recovery time between Sundays. It takes a lot out of me to preach. When I preach the way I want to, at the end its like everything in me is emptied out. But if I preach like that every Sunday, I would get burned out so, part the lack of disciple is self-defense. And it takes a lot of nerve to preach what does come on Sunday Mornings. Sometimes I would sit in my chair behind the pulpit and have to talk my self into preaching during Sunday Morning worship. It would be because I realised that my topic or an example in my sermon may hit a person a little more strongly than I am comfortable with. I decided to preach about death on Sunday but then during the worship part this young woman walked in with her family. She had lost her mother the week before and I didn't want to be insensitive to her pain. I had figured she would be with her family in a different town because of the funeral. But there she was and that death sermon wanted to be preached that day. That took a lot of convincing to get in the pulpit that day. Well, anyway this is a welcome break from all that worry for a little bit.

The title is a Guster song that I like. Now I have to go find that thing I lost.

Too many days @ the Beach

2008-07-15T00:05:00.013-05:00

By the way, this is church and community center that I work at in Clinton, Oklahoma. I live in Clinton, now. Birthplace of Toby Keith. Its not all that bad, the people are friendly. They all do that two finger wave from the steering wheel when you pass them on the streets. If you have ever lived in the country, you know what that means. I kinda like it, though I do the whole hand wave back to them.

Well, VBS is done for one more year!!! Thank you Jesus. Our VBS lasts only three days but I swear. me and the two other teachers almost didn't make it past two days

This my teacher for the older elementry. ----->

I kept trying to tell him that maybe he wanted to teach the early elementry class because of these 4 boys. But he insisted. I peeked in on his class on the second day and it looked like a circus in there. There was bits of paper flying around and he looked stunned. I did warn him.

This is a couple of the early elementary class, my class. They really got into the beach theme. I think they kinda got shafted because i kept going to check on the other teachers to make sure they were still alive. I split the classes up this year. Last year I just had one big group and it was ok but splitting them up was better. They said they had fun though.

My mom was the other teacher. I have no pictures of her because she pretty much hid when it was time to for them to come back together as a group. She was probably curled up in a ball whimpering after each class. She had the preshoolers.

<----This is Sade, one of the clowns in my mom's class. She is three. I think she is so adorable but I am very glad she is not my kid. Last year at VBS she threw this hissy fit like you would not believe! At two, she had not quite grasped the concept of sharing and taking turns. She has improved greatly. I barely heard her crying this year.

This next one, is Kamarie. She is adorable too. Four years old. Her older brother and sister come to the church as well. As the third kid out of four, she has a baby brother, she is used to whining as a way of life. And its contagious, we all end up whining after an hour with her. ------------------>

The last one is Katie. She is so smart. She is four too and has an impressive way of speaking to people. I guess her family doesn't speak down to her. So she is more like a short adult. With a bit of a lisp. They are cute but I am glad its over.

Rules and Guidelines

2008-06-28T18:10:00.004-05:00

So, I have a lot of rules in my head. Life tends to be easier for me that way. For instance, rules about who says the mealtime prayer. General rule: If you bought the meal for everyone or if you prepared it, you can be exempt from blessing the food because you need to be blessed for the work you did with the food. After all you can't very well bless yourself, right? And I have a rule that for every can of diet soda I drink, I have to drink two glasses of water. When buying clothes, I need to have bonded with the article in question or I can't buy it. Meaning I have to carry it around the store and then see if I 'feel' something about it when it is time to go. I find that if I have bonded with an article of clothing then I am more likely to wear it so I don't end up buying something for the sake of buying it. And booty calls start at 11:00pm. I actually modified that one. It used to be ten. The rule of not calling people after ten is still in effect but the hour between 10:00 and 11:00 can't truly be considered a booty call. Just rude, even if it is an emergency. And there are lots more...

Now, you might get the impression that I am neat, organized and orderly but you would be wrong. I am a total slob. But if I didn't make up rules and/or guidelines, I would get overwhelmed in my life and be reduced to doing nothing because I wouldn't know what to do. And there was probably a simpler way to explain that.

I just like having rules because then you know what is expected and when you share rules,
others know what you expect of them. Things are less messy. Having said that, I don't always choose to follow my rules everytime though I generally end up falling back on them. I also have a hard time following others rules and I am not sure why that is.

I bring all this up because my former roommate, Melissa has a rule of not forgetting roommates b-days. And I didn't. I just forgot where I was in the time continuum. Melissa and I were roommates at Drew and we had a list of rules posted for us and guests to our apt. Including one about no peeing in garbage cans. And no sex on the couch. No bartering roommates for beer. And no taking Jennifer up on her offers of exploratory surgery. No one had tried to pee in the garbage cans or have sex on the couch, but I figured it should be stated as a cautionary measure. I sorta accidently tried to trade Melissa for some beer and someone actually tried to agreed to my offer of exploratory surgery.

I miss those days. :) I miss Melissa. Happy Late Birthday. I hope you had a great day out in the woods.

Annual Conference

2008-06-23T10:51:00.005-05:00

I am finally back home again. The first part of June I was in Antlers, OK where it was so insanely hot, for Annual Conference. Our annual conferences are held in open air tabernacles. We rotate between three places, campgrounds. One in Antlers, one near Anadarko and one in Preston. The one near Anadarko is called Hog Creek. I always encourage friends to get married there. I think seeing the words Hog Creek in gold script on a wedding invitation would be so funny. I, myself, plan to get married, if I ever get married, at Preston and have my funeral service at Antlers.

This is a picture of the tabernacle at Antlers. My Mom and I got there a day early while the SE region people were still working on the grounds. We went into the front part of the tabernacle and there was this huge hairy thing on the ground. My mom walked past it but I stopped and said is that a fake spider? She looked at it said, of course it is. Then it moved. It was an huge tarantula!!! I was busy freaking out to take a picture. The people from there were like "it won't hurt you" and then a woman got a broom and swept it out. My mom and I were like "kill it, kill it. it'll come back if you don't kill it."

So, at annual conference I was appointed to extension ministry at Clinton Church and Community Center!! As of June 27, I am a Church and Community Worker! So I don't have a chruch per se, but I spent my first Sunday preaching at a tiny little church outside of Okmulgee. I had planned to spend the day in bed until 3:00pm when I needed to get on the road to Clinton. Oh well.

I am trying to move to Clinton. I just got a phone call saying I was approved for the appartment I looked at last week. Moving kinda sucks. Its only suppose to be for about 6 months while work is being done on the Clinton Parsonage. But the house is considered un-live-able and condemed so I do not have high hopes for it. But I am so ready to stay still. I cannot wait til they fix the house or decide to get a new one ("they" is my conference) I want to plant flowers and sit in my back yard and get a cat. I should be there for about 8 - 10 years. So that is staying pretty still considering 3 years is the longest I have lived in one dwelling. And that was at Drew. I have moved quite a bit in my life and I am ready to settle down.

I also went to Kansas. Southwestern College. Where I went to UMW's regional school of mission where I got certified to teach in MS. About Indians. We are the flavor of the year with the UMW. So I have 6 hours to teach 35-50 people everything Indian. Yeah, I don't know what to say to that either.

Then I attended a funeral for one of our retired pastors of OIMC. In our conference, if a pastor or pastor spouse dies it is customery for all clergy to attend. It was way out in the woods though. Think: copperheads and rattlesnakes. Bleh. Nature is not fun. But it was a really nice service. It makes me sad. When my mom dragged me to funerals as a child, I rarely knew who the dead people were but now I do. I remember seeing this guy and his wife all the time when I was growing up. Times are changing quickly and I dont' look forward to it. My mom thinks that as soon as a few more of the "old guard" dies that the "young people" will close in the open air tabernacles and install airconditioning. Young people not as me or my age but the late 40s and early 50s group. I can't decide what I think about it. Tradition over creature comforts. Or perhaps it is something we need to do. I prefer the way we have always done it but...

I am home again, in airconditioning, thinking about lunch. I am happy to home again. I move later this week and I have not packed. But its all good.

Sermon Fear

2008-05-27T16:39:00.007-05:00

Its still the month of May. I would have felt bad if I had missed a month.

I was invited to preach at Student Forum on Memorial day weekend. It was...interesting to say the least. It was held in Washington DC, at American University. I had no idea that American University was a United Methodist School. The things you learn. I was excited to get this oportunity to speak but then I wrote my sermon and I was scared of it.

I never hear other people talk about their sermons this way. That they are scared of them. I wonder if I am truly just a scaredy cat or if people just don't say anything. I was scared of mine because it was a sermon meant to challenge the young people's desire to change the church. And in my mind it was a bit....something. I would rather it be a realistic challenge as oppose to me on my high horse...

I was scared of my sermon. I talked about racism, love, change, the past, clear sight and trajectories. Which is always scary talking about such things. So maybe its not strange that I was scared of it.

I also preached in front of Bishop John Schol. I have never preached in front of a bishop before. He decided to make an appearance on my night to speak. I freaked out when worship leader Delyn told me. We then both decided that he would probably say hello then sneak out as important people often do. He did not. I was sitting up front behind the pulpit which was the kind that you have to use stairs to get into. I keep peeking around the pulpit to see if he had left. He never did. When I preaching up there, I noticed that his eyes were closed from time to time. I may have put a Bishop to sleep. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm kinda proud of that. Or I am proud that I kept waking him up. Well here is my sermon. It sounded better outloud.

Mark 12:29-31

Our scriptures, the Condensed version:
JC says: Or as my Systematic Theology professor calls him, Dr JC
Dr JC says

Love God with heart, mind, soul.
Love yourself
Love your neighbor
Yes, I put yourself before neighbor because the sentence love the neighbor as yourself sort of implies that you already know how to love you and because you know how to love you, you should be able to know how to love the neighbor.

Love God with heart, mind and soul
Love yourself,
Love your neighbor.
And just to give you a heads up. I am abrupt. I began abruptly, I rarely segue well and usually I end just as abruptly.

The scripture that was picked turned out to be difficult. The simplicity of Jesus words had complex ramifications. Jesus ended up crucified, the disciples, also tortured and killed, the followers, Christians hunted down, tortured, thrown in jail, feed to the lions to entertain roman masses and killed.
Love God with heart, mind and soul
Love yourself
Love the neighbor
Simple words, simple concept but thinking of the history of Christianity of the history of Christianity in the United States alone, if it is so simple, why can’t we simply do it? Why haven’t we got the hang of it yet?
Love God
Love yourself
Love the neighbor

When I was a child, I loved going to church. The church I grew up in was a small Indian church of 30 or 40 members, many of whom were my family members, way out in the woods. The services were in Choctaw language and they had Sunday, Sunday night, and Wednesday night services, and every 5th Sunday they had all day services and singing. There was even a hog killing cabin so there would be fresh meat for the 5th Sunday.

When I was four, I decided I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up. In my four year old mind, a missionary was simply one who works with the church. When I got older and I learned about what some missionaries, what the church and what the government did to native people, I was embarrassed about my four year old ambition.

But it wasn’t until Seminary that I got mad. Sitting in Church history I listened to stories of the removal and of slavery and the church’s role in all of it. I was mad and sick the listening to the church’s bloody history. I read a story of an Jewish man who was angry at God about the Holocaust. He said, “Even God cannot undo the past” and I agreed with him. Even God could not undo what had been done. And I wrestled because I knew God had called me. I told God that I wasn’t going to go back home to Oklahoma, to the Oklahoma Indian Missionary Conference as an agent of the Institutional church that to this day doesn’t seem to want to understand racism, study racism. they don’t want to explore the history of racism in the institution, and to tell them to forgive the church. How was I suppose to tell them to forgive when I couldn’t. And I would not forgive what the church did.

I went to Africa, Ghana for my cross cultural credits at Drew. We visited two of 24 slave castles. We were led from room to room, led into the almost airless dungeons underground. The tour guide talked about the atrocities that happened there and he also told that the surrounding village of El Mina, he said they didn’t remember what had happened there. They went on and lived their lives with no memory of the horror.

When I heard that my first thought was “Oh I understand that. What happened here was so bad, it was so horrendous that nothing anybody did was ever going to put it right, to fix it, and to insure no one tries to fix it, we will tell people we do not remember.” I don’t know if that is what they thought, maybe they really just forgot, but as I walked back to our tour bus, looking at the faces of the young people trying to sell us things, coming from a background of cultural collective memory, I don't think they have forgotten.

I came back to the US, and thought about the people of EL mina and I thought about Native people all trapped in some sort of loop of pain and horror that generation after generation is forced to live out. Something had to be done but I refused to forgive. Despite my best effort and considerable will power, I ended up with two churches in Oklahoma on the ordination track. The first church offered to me was a church that had dwindled down to two little girls. I said no, but I remembered my home church and how I loved going to church. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if there had been no church. I said yes. I figured the two girls weren’t going to expect me to preach, probably Sunday school type stuff. As I started going, in the back of my mind I began thinking of the things the church had gotten wrong with Indian people. I thought, this church will not ever tell these kids that they are not welcome. They will learn about a God that loves every cultural bit of them. They will here that their culture, their language, their brown skin is a gift from God. The church is not perfect, but I am the church too and I will change what the church means in these little kids lives. As long as I am here the church will not hurt them. I went from 2 to about 15 and about 30 on holidays. Which is a lot considering I am the only adult most of the time. Strangely the kids turned out to be quite demanding about communion. They understand the meaning of it and they like taking communion. Most of the kids live with a 3 block radius of the church and sometimes they drag me home with them to meet parents and to see where they live. The kids just show up, no parents brings them, if they see my car in the parking lot they all come running over.

The church in the middle of a Cheyenne/Arapaho community. My kids are mostly Cheyenne/Arapaho. The Cheyenne and Arapaho people are the people of the Sand Creek Massacre, where a village of the people were killed under the leadership of Colonel Chivington who was also a Methodist Minister. One of the pastor of OIMC, his great, great grandparents escaped the Sand Creek massacre only to be killed four years later at the Massacre of the Washita in 1868. The site of this massacre is just northwest of where the church is.
The church and the government’s involvement in the removal, in the boarding schools, in the relocation acts, in trying to kill the Indian and save the man, well, neither have a good reputation in Oklahoma. I figure this is why adults aren’t coming to the church. They are also sun dance ceremonial people, and the church, even the Indians churches haven’t always been supportive of culture. Some of our Indian churches are still living out the harsh rules and regulations of the missionaries that taught them and think Native culture is wrong. But I like to think that what I am doing with the kids, my determination that they learn of a God who thinks they are special and extraordinary, what goes on there is helping undo some of the past. I think of what that Jewish man said about “Even God not being able to undo the past” I had agreed with him at the time but now, I think its possible to undo the past. Or to break the hold the past can have on a person. By breaking the hold of the past has on you, you are then able to change the trajectory of where you were heading to someplace different. It was in working with the kids helped change the trajectory of where that church was headed which was to be closed down and now it is in the process of becoming a church and community center through GBGM. I like to think its helping change the trajectory of where the kids are headed because it has helped change the trajectory of where I was headed.

Because in the midst of it all, I think I figured out how to forgive the church. To be honest, I was disappointed when I realized it because that is not what I intended to do. But its not there anymore, its gone. What helped it go was that I keep thinking, I am the church too and I’ll do something different.

Doing something different. There is this singer, this rap star, Akon, who has a song where he talks about the many things he has done wrong and he says he is sorry for all of it and then he apologises for things that have happen that wasn't his fault but he knows that some has to take the blame so he says you can blame him. It kills me that this random guy, random rap singer, understands and grasps the value of saying "I am sorry", of taking the blame even when he feels it is not his fault but knows that someone has too when the church cannot or will not. It kills me. Christians, are we are so full of pride in what we are, we are so sure that we are right in what we are doing that the idea of being wrong, the idea of needing to say "I’m sorry" never enters our minds? The rap guy was willing to take the blame for things that he didn't do, doesn’t that remind you of someone else? Who else took the blame for things he did not do and died on the cross? A rap guy found a way to be more Christ-like and the church has not.

Church, if you want to change, Then do something different. It begins with you. Love God with your mind and study. Study the past in order to understand our present, how we got here, how the church came to its present state and where we are headed. Study the evolution of our understanding of God and God’s will for the people. Study the mistakes the church made and study what the church got right. Study so that we can understand and know what part of the Church’s past is holding on to us and won’t let us change. What do we need to address in order for the past to let go of us. So that we can change the trajectory of where our church is headed.

Love God with your heart and your soul. Let your heart be like Jesus’ heart. The compassion, the love for the people, and in the case of the syro-phenisian woman, the ability and willingness to learn. Live out what you are learning with your mind and with your heart. Live it out. Let your actions prove you are a follower of Christ and not your words. Let us be inspired where Jesus took the blame because he knew someone had to. Even though he wasn’t to blame. Its not going to be easy, I won’t lie to you, Jesus sat in the garden of Gethsemane and prayed to God and asked if there was some other way. We are the church, all of us here, So church, let us take responsibility, let us take the blame, Let us be courageous and do what the church has been unable to do before. Let us look at the past, let us say I am sorry and let us work to change the trajectory of where we are going. But the cost of discipleship is high, so count the cost, do not go into this blind, count the cost of what it means to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Of being Christ- like.

And before I close I would like to add more thing. you know, our Gospel lesson is taken from Mark, I have a great fondness for Mark. The Gospel of Mark is thought to be the earliest gospel written.[1] Even though it is after Matthew. And it is also thought that the author of the Gospel of Mark ended his story of Jesus at chapter 16:8

“And the women came out and ran away from the tomb because they were frightened out their wits; and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.” [2]

The story is thought to have ended at the empty tomb. Some bible will mention this and leave a space between verse 8 and the verse 9. Mark’s ending seems to be a warning and encouragement to the followers of Jesus and the church. The story will end here if you have no faith. Church, our story is not over. Even when we have done everything humanly possible, our story will not be over if we have faith. So let us gather up our courage, gather up our faith and let us begin our work.

[1] Matera, Frank J. New Testament Christology. Louisville, KY: Westminster Jon Knox. Pg 5.

[2] The New Jerusalem Bible. NY: American Bible Society, 1985.

GC Report 2

2008-04-30T12:24:00.002-05:00

April 29, 2008

I was within 20 feet of the president of the republic of Liberia today. And I got hugged by a bunch of little dancing children from Africa. Uganda to be specific. They were great dancing singing little machines. Seriously, I got tired watching then with all their energy. Apparently these kids are orphaned and vulnerable kids from Uganda. Orphaned by war or by AIDS they lived in Internally Displaced Person’s camps where they lived in cramped mud huts with many people. I am not sure how I feel about it. Are they singing for their supper now? I mean, I think if they had to choose, they would chose, as I would, singing for their supper over cramped mud huts. But aside from that. Zoo animals to be viewed and forced to perform on command. But perhaps I am just too cynical. I had the opportunity with the other staff of the Secretary of the General conference to talk to the children and thank them for blessing us with their presence afterwards. They were loving children who wanted to hug me when I went to shake their hands. Whatever, I said that weird, but they hugged me and I hugged them back. I’m just saying. Its good that they are not in a hot cramped mud hut (I realized I am saying that with all my American privilege) and I certainly don’t begrudge them but something like the prostitution of culture or of self to the great white American people…keeps popping up in my head. Maybe exploitation of the children...

Am I really just too cynical and projecting my issues on this children’s choir? Maybe, but I would like to add that my conference sent a Native children’s choir that sang the day before and we just got one photo in the Daily Christian Advocate (the daily report of General Conference happenings) and the Uganda children got a entire page write up. Is it because our children sang in native tongue and not in English as the Uganda children? Our kids were just as cute and talented but perhaps it was because the Uganda children were more grateful to great white America and our kids and our conference wouldn’t have been.

Yes, I also think I sound bitter but I am here listening to various people making comments like, “I will support the Native American Comprehensive Plan as long as the money would not be used for gambling.”

Though I suppose to be fair (it is a bad habit of mine, this unrelenting desire to be fair) the pacific islanders got shut down with their request for funding to do ministry to their community. It was scary to see how quickly and easily the floor rejected their need.

And I got to be within 20 feet of the president of the Republic of Liberia. It could have been twenty feet of G. W. Bush. Luckily he sent a letter declined to attend General Conference this year. I was much more excited about Liberia.

Report from General Conference 1

2008-04-29T20:55:00.002-05:00

I am at General Conference. Well, actually I am working at General Conference. I am in the Secretary of the General Conference’s staff. I was not all that impressed with my status of staff but since I have been here, it has been cool. I have an all access red badge. I can go anywhere and no one will tell me no. I don’t go everywhere, I am still kinda lazy but I get tell pages and marshals what to do and they do it. Everyone else is impressed with my red badge. And that is cool, but really the Secretary of the General Conference is important, not me. But whatever. I get all the candy I want. But I am feeling kinda sick with the all the time access to candy. Endless baskets of Skittles is bad for the tum tum.

I am also working my ass off. Since Tuesday the 22 I have been at work at 7:00am and working til 10:00 pm – 11:30 pm. Its been exhausting. But kinda fun. I am getting use to not having any of my short term memory left. Really, someone says something to me and two seconds later I have no memory of it. Its weird. I think I am missing my previous life where I woke up around 9:00am or 10:00am and took several naps during the day. Perhaps I have been preparing for this lack of sleep.

Speaking of General conference I would like to say that many of these people should never try stand up comedy. It is just not funny when you are reading a joke during a report or something.

I have been shadowing the Petitions Secretary and sitting in the Reference committee meetings. They decide to move things, or decide to not to move things or decide whether a petition will be voided or sent through the process. It is very exciting considering it happens at 7:00am and everyone is tired. I found the petition process facinating. Like if you write a petition that can't easily be put in to one category, such as Church and society or local church or judicial administration etc, then it has a higher chance of getting voided because only one committee can get that petition. Common sense, I guess, but if I was writting a petition I wouldn't have considered that. And it is a pity because there were petitions that were thick and probably worked on very hard and long but they addressed too much and all that hard work was wasted. There will be more later.

April showers, winds and hailstorms have beat down the flowers

2008-04-08T10:54:00.005-05:00

Last night I preached at my 2nd revival. In a little Creek church in the middle of nowhere. There were rock covered dirt roads. My mom was driving kinda like one of the Dukes of Hazard and it scared the crap out of me. I have been away from home too long... So I preached at Wewoka Indian UMC. At the first revival I was asked to preach at, I had asked the theme. I was told there was no theme and that I should just pick a favorite theme of mine and go with it. I had a little trouble with that and I think I tried to preach the entire Bible in 40 minutes.

I was able to narrow my focus this time around and went only 25 mins. I preached on an Easter theme and talked about the empty tomb and wild turbulent Pentecostal winds of change. I had fun last night. I made it through the alter call with little trouble. I even had a little kid come and ask for prayer which makes me glad because I think I am a better minister to children than to adults.

Oh, and I am on vacation too. Til tomorrow. I probably shouldn't have agreed to preach but I thought it would be kinda fun. I have a weird idea of what fun is these days.

In random news, I also agreed to preach at Student Forum of the UMC in Washington, DC on Memorial day weekend. I am kinda excited about that one too. Mostly because I get to see and work with a good friend of mine, Delyn. Yea!!! We are playing Tom Petty during the Saturday evening worship service. I think doing church is more fun as a group effort.

A few weeks ago, I had the oppotunity to be in on the South Central jurisdiction episcopal interviews for my conference. We intervied potential bishops from our area. Thats the great thing about being from a tiny conference. I get the chance to be apart of almost anything that is going on in my conference. We interviewed 8 of the 9 candidates and the sad thing about being from a tiny conference is that when asked what they knew about the Oklahoma Indian Missionary Conference, almost every began with, I looked on your website last night...

I think I would be more understanding of their lack of knowledge if they hadn't been from the same jurisdiction as us. At the same time, I do know that the Oklahoma conference is barely aware of us and we are in the same state. In Clinton, where my kids church is, the other Methodist church in town was unaware that we existed even though it has been there since the 1950s. I am just not sure what to think about that. Is it lack of effort on our part or theirs or both? And a couple of them admitted that in their UM churches they do not observe special sundays. What?!? How is that even possible that they were not embarassed to admit that? I try very hard to make sure that we observe those days and we are tiny churches compared to the churches that they served...my 25/35 to their 500/800 member churches. One boasted of a 9 million dollar santuary but the special sundays get ignored. Does that seem wrong to you? I was a little sick after the interviews of trying to explain that we in our conference apparently lived in a completely different world than they did.

I was trying explain this by telling of the time that I ran out of money for gas. Rising gas prices, the 1.5 hour comute, the fact that I pay for everything out of my own pocket for the kids church, and even though I am making more as a sem gradute the pay is still lower than any other pastor in the UM church, well, running out of money, its bound to happen from time to time. I told the story to explain that this was a common problem for all pastors in OIMC, and more so for the people we serve, that this is the world we live in. I was telling the story with the candidate looking at me with horrified eyes, when his eyes filled up with tears and then I stopped talking because if someone cries, I usually do too, and my eyes started filling up too. We just started at each other for about a full minute. He told me he was sorry that had happened to me and I didn't get to tell him that this happens to all of us.

I had to leave early that day so the next guy that came in, my gas money story was repeated and the next week that guy sent some money for me and another young pastor in my conference. I am not sure what to think about it because that was not my intention to get him to send me money. Also he was one whose large wealthy church does not observe special sundays. I think I would have appreciated a letter from him saying that he understood the struggles of my conference and that he would see that his church would observe all the special sundays which includes Native Ameican Ministries Sunday.

But I leave on a high note with a story about my kids church, last Sunday. I pulled up to the parking lot and a group of them came running out calling my name. They were so excited to see me and to tell me happy late b-day. They had made me butterflys with stickers on them and a card which all of them signed. Then they handed me a jewlry box and demanded I open it. Inside was a lapel pin that said Angel and an arrowhead necklace on top of cotton balls. Under the cottonballs was some money they had collected among themselves. $3.25. I think I told them when my birthday was back in October and had not mentioned it since. (I tend to think its tacky to tell people when my b-day is...) But they remembered. I wish all churches were as great as that kids church, maybe then I wouldn't be fighting so hard against ordination.

Rock The Native Vote

2008-03-08T17:08:00.008-06:00

Another dang month has flown by me. 2008 seems to be going so quickly but I am happy to report that I have not been in another car accident. So yea me!

I have been caught up in the presidential voting craze thing. I have not previously been all that interested in presidential elections, mostly because I am more of a conspiracy theorist who is convinced that presidential elections are rigged and so forth. Though lately I am starting to worry that the presidential elections are not rigged and we, the American public, really did elect G W Bush for two terms.

I voted for the first time in a presidential election in 2004. I should mention that I always register to vote and I believe in the voting process, just not during the presidential elections. Having made that clear, when a colleague of mine asked if I would be interested in being a part of an organization called Rock The Native Vote, modeled after MTV's Rock The Vote, I agreed mostly because I wanted to support my colleague but as I sat at the first meeting I came to a deeper understanding of what the group wanted to accomplish which was more than just registering people to vote.

The group encourages Native people to register to vote, to get out and vote, as well as encourages them to take a more active part in the whole political process. Native people are routinely lost and forgotten in American politics and RTNV is trying to tell them that this can be remedied. That Native folks have a voice, that they can use that voice and that they will be heard. Which in itself is a awesome undertaking but the part that excites me is that, in this instance, it is the church that is behind this group. The Oklahoma Indian Missionary Conference of the United Methodist Church began this whole project back in 2003. The church, who has historically told Native people that they are not worth listening to, is now the one who is telling Native people that they are indeed worth listening to.

I have long struggled and searched for some understanding of forgiveness ever since reading Homer Noley's First White Frost and since my Church history classes at Drew. I found that I could not forgive the church for its treatment of Native folks and yet I understood that I was also the church. I argued with God and said I would not go back to Oklahoma and preach forgiveness, especially if I myself could not forgive and I refused to forgive.

But I knew I wasn't right. I felt it in my heart everytime I said I refused to forgive. I just couldn't find the right way to go. When I took that church in Clinton, the children's church, I was determined that those kids would learn of and experience God's love and mercy and of a church that cherished them. I would not tell them that they were wrong or that the cultural part of their lives was a sin in God's or the church's eyes. I was determined to not repeat mistakes made by the early church.

Strangely, a year later, I have found it easier to let go of that sick feeling, the anger I felt thinking of the church's past. Now I consider what I am doing with the Cheynne/Arapaho kids in Clinton a way of undoing the past and redirecting the future. For me, those kids, and the church.

In my mind, Rock The Native Vote is also trying to undo the past and redirect the future of Native people. Yet I hesitate to say that I have forgiven because everything I know on forgiving doesn't seem to address these kinds of issues and perhaps the word is inadequte to cover what I feel we are trying to do in my conference but then again maybe the word has never been truly explored to its full extent.

I can't always say it and mean it but after working in Clinton and with RTNV, I feel good saying that I belong to the church. It actually makes me feel warm and fuzzy...

www.Rockthenativevote.org

Fast forward

2008-02-24T19:22:00.003-06:00

It has been a month since my last post. I haven't any thing to say but I feel I should make a couple of statements or post a thought or two.

I prefer heat to cold. I would rather sweat then shiver. Its is so freaking cold here.

My life is in chaos. I am ok with that at the moment. Its kinda like playing chess but instead of moving pieces carefully, the pieces are just being tossed around. I like prefer the organized way of playing but I am trying to take life less seriously these days.

Having said that, I find that the past has caught up with me and has bitten me pretty hard in the ass. I think the past, present and future are all happening simultaniously because my refusal take care of past issues is seriously fucking up my present and future. But while I am not a coward when confronting most issues, I find that my past issues comes with my past attitude of simply running away from them and it is in full force. Coming home to Oklahoma has been coming back to my past, good and bad. And I do not want to deal with that bad portion of it.

But I have a meeting with my conference superindent on Wendesday in order to deal with my past, present and future And I just don't want to. But running from the issues didn't do me any good the first time so I should try something else, right?

I don't mean to be vague with my problem but I am uncertain how to be more specific.
No, that's not true. I just don't want to talk about it other than to say I know I have a problem. How the heck am I suppose to deal with myself if I can't get myself to be an adult about this? Especially by Wednesday at 10:30am.

My shower works. I fixed it all by myself and got a new shower head installed as well. With something called a pipe wrench. Go figure. But I am happy. My life can be chaotic but as long as my shower works, I am happy. Life is good...

Cars

2008-01-25T18:01:00.001-06:00

So I got rear ended. By people with no insurance. luckily if you don't look too hard you might think it was just a scratch on the bumper. I still have a headache due to the stress of it all. I would usually solve this sort of problems by swallowing pills but I am kinda freaked out by Heath Ledger's accidental pill overdose. SO I have just been trying to tough it out.

The Robot gig helped pay for my plumbing issues. My church landlords were disturbingly content with letting me live with backedup sewer issues. If I were laity, which I hope to be within the next 6 months, I would care about the pastor.

Speaking of trying to tough it out, I have told myself if I can get my shower working, if I can take hot showers then maybe I will make it til June. The plumber who was here today told me how to fix the shower myself so I wouldn't get charged for him to do it. I was all enthusiastic about it til I realised that what a plumber considers an easy job is not really easy for the non-plumber who doesn't have the proper tools. I'd almost rather have paid the guy the $100.00 an hour to have fixed it. I am not a plumber. But I can use the toilet with out problems so I am trying to remain positive. One house issue down, 3 more to go.

I have been trying not to drive anywhere because I am concerned that the two accidents in one month is ruining my reputation as a kick ass driver. If I can stay accident free til Feb then...and get my shower working...and the weather warms up...

I should give the idea of my stellar driving reputation because it tends to get overshadowed with the reputation I have of getting lost too easily. I am STILL having problems finding my way around this city that I once knew like the back of my hand. 7 years was a long time, David. Maybe not to you but it really was.

Its really freaking cold here.

Robotics part 2

2008-01-24T20:11:00.000-06:00

So here is the 10 min statement I gave Wednesday night. The Buddha person was all in favor of Robots but the Christian, Jewish, and the hindu people all had reservations. The Hindu and NA persepective were similar in that both thinkings were so far removed from the idea of accepting human robots. The applications posed to us is listedd first and then my response is after.

Application 1:

The setting for the human-robot interaction is a care facility for elderly people.

The robots in the application are “Paro” robotic harp seals, which already are commercially available as “therapeutic” robotic “companions.”

Some basic information (and links) may be found concerning this robot at:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paro_(robot)

Elderly people in the facility are encouraged to interact with the Paro robots to gain the various psychological and physiological therapeutic benefits that such interaction appears to produce.

Application 2:

The setting for the human-robot interaction is a representative home of a middle-aged couple, in future years, with fertility problems that have prevented them from having a child.
Among the contemporary options for overcoming this lack, they have chosen to lease an android child.

The company from which the couple leased the child was an outgrowth of development, around 2007, of an android boy named “Zeno” by roboticist Hanson, in Richardson, Texas. Some basic information about his early work, in 2007, may be found at:

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070913/D8RKI2F80.html

http://www.zenosworld.com/

Hanson’s company, at this future date, offers childless couples 2-year leases for androids of either gender, at a “starting age” of their choice. The couple may also select from a range of optional features for their android child, such as hair and eye color, activity level, etc. At the end of the lease, they also may elect to open another 2-year lease on an android child that is custom-designed to simulate the natural age progression of their “child.”

Application 3:

The setting for the human-robot interaction is a large community college in Los Angeles, around the year 2020. The school serves a student body requiring multilingual instructors, but human instructors meeting this language requirement are difficult to find. Fortunately, the Honda Motor Corporation, working with Microsoft and Carnegie Mellon University, has recently produced a cognitively much-enhanced version of its early (c. 2005) ASIMO humanoid robot that is capable of teaching classes in specific subject areas – and in multilingual modes. Outside its programmed subject area, the RoboProf’s speech recognition and natural language understanding capabilities are fairly modest – but, after all, this differs mainly just in degree from the specialization among human instructors that has steadily been increasing for decades.

One of the first versions of RoboProf, in the humanities, has been an ethics teacher. The humanoid is particularly impressive in its ability to analyze given ethical problems immediately from the perspectives of various ethical theories (Aristotelian, Utilitarian, Kantian, Rawlsian, etc.), and use of case-based reasoning in its artificial intelligence has allowed recent versions of this humanoid to display rapid machine learning in its subject area.

Some basic information regarding Honda’s earlier work with the ASIMO platform (c. 2007) may be found at:

http://asimo.honda.com/
***********************************************************************************

Being asked to present the Native spirituality perspective on anything is a bit of a daunting task and a bit impossible as there are over 500 Native tribes left in the United States and I am sure that the understandings they have of their own spirituality is as different as the many native languages that still exist. Having said that I do believe there are a few generalities that exist between tribes regionally that enables me to present basic concepts of a Native perspective. Sometimes you can find that tribes from the southwest have similarities, as do western tribes, eastern and southeastern tribes. Also by using basic concepts it will help in seeing that while Native people may reinterpret or evolve their traditions, the basic concepts remain unchanged.
Dealing with the history, with place and responsibility in this world, in every day living, and in death one will find the basic concepts are still there. Were you to ask a Native person their understanding of how Indians came to be in this world, you generally hear stories involving humans, animals, plants, spirits and the earth and their connection and cooperation with each other to be where they are. The importance and connection of life is prevalent in not only these stories, but were also important for the plains tribes in the understanding and study of animal migratory patterns, for the costal or fishing tribes the current’s and fish life cycle and well as understanding of how to grow things from the earth and to use that produce to nourish and in the case of herbs and other plants, how to heal the body. The connection and understanding of all life was important to stay alive. If one were to removes one of the pieces of the connections, if one of the pieces ceased to exist, the connection, the cooperation will be distorted and interfere with our ability to keep ourselves alive.
And life is of great value. Native people do not pretend to completely understand the connection between all of life but we know there is a connection. The existence of a greater being in Native spirituality is a sign of respect and acknowledgement that humans do not know everything there is to know. In numerous tribes, rituals, dances, and prayers were given to them as a job from the higher being to help promote life. All life. There seems to be no long discourse on why this job, this responsibility was given, just that the people took on this responsibility for all life and they continue to be responsible for promoting all life as many of these rituals, dances, and prayers continue today.
Family is an important value for many tribes. Family that includes immediate family, mother, father, sister, brother, and extended family grandparents, aunt’s uncles cousins as well as adopted family members.
I work at a Native church in Clinton, OK. One of the kids looked at me one day and informed me that I was his aunt. At first, I didn't really understand what he was saying and I told him that I didn’t think I was related to him. When he said it a second time I understood what he was saying. Family and relatives are of great value in Native communities. Him claiming me as family meant he sought to make the relationship between us more meaningful and permanent than it had been with me as merely his pastor.
In this children’s church, I find it hard to figure out who is mom and dad, who is aunt and uncle, grandma and grandpa and who are cousins because they have all stopped in to see what the kids are doing, to drop them off or to pick them up. In this community of Cheyenne/Arapaho people, seeing many people taking responsibility for the kids, I wonder who is childless. There are plenty of kids to go around and there almost seems to be a lack of territorial issues. The lack of the mentality that this is my kid, I will raise him or her as I see fit. Not to imply a lack of responsibility or interest from parents but more in the vein of a community raising the children. Many native communities operate in this vein so among natives I have to ask who would consider themselves childless.
Also in native communities in dealing with grief or sorrow over a death, different regions look and understand death differently. In the Choctaw tradition and several western tribal traditions, Kiowa and Comanche, once a person has died, the body is not left alone until burial. Different family members, extended and close friends (considered family) and even pastors volunteer times to come and sit with the body. Usually an order of rituals is then enacted. Prayers services are held, then the funeral, the graveside service, a feast, and then one year later a memorial service. For some native people and families, they give away all the deceased’s possessions; for others cutting of the hair is a sign of great sorrow.
The rituals, these traditions, are meant to comfort and guide a person through the death of a loved one. And it is meant to honor the life and passing of that loved one. It is meant to honor life.
I have heard it said that it seems Native people live in a different world and for non-native people it is not easily understandable this native world that involves reservations, pow-wows, casinos, bingo, tribal courts, Indian health service, and ancient mounds or ruins And in a society where some people can afford to be in a hospital that has little robot seals, or where couples can afford to buy a child of their precise specifications or afford to sent their kids to a school and be taught about humanity from a non-human, perhaps natives and non-natives may never see eye to eye. But in thinking of concepts that have keep native people alive (how else do you account for our continued presence after all that we have had to endure) concepts of connection of all life, concepts of being responsible for the well being of all life, and concepts of extended family, I do wonder where society is headed because the scenarios presented seen to encourage a disconnect between lives. Will we as a society get to the point where those cute seals take the place of human contact, that we expect those toys to fulfill all the physical and emotional needs of the elderly and sick so we don’t have to? Where we will consider death, grief and emotion completely unnatural and something to be avoided at all costs? Or in dealing with humanity and ethics we must have firmly set rules that do not take in account of the flawed and imperfect humanity that have to live in these rules. Do we no longer wish to be responsible for life? To be responsible for our place in life, do we wish to give the job to a computer program? Life is all connected and when you begin to take out pieces of life, to disconnect pieces of life, where will that leave us? I don't have an answer, but let us hope that those tribes who took on responsibility to perform rituals, dance, and pray for all life never stop.

Mr Roboto, part 1

2008-01-22T21:08:00.000-06:00

I am suppose to be writing a 10 min statement on the Native American spiritual perspective on human robotics. I am to give this statement tomorrow night in a panel discussion. What? I agreed to do this but now I am thinking I could have passed. On the other hand...it could be fun.

Ok. I suppose if I can get over the idea that they are asking me to speak on native american perspective...can I do that? There are, like, over 500 tribes left in the US. I doubt we all fit into one persepctive. (note: do not use "like" when speaking tomorrow night) Once I get over that, I can think of a few things.

For the most part native people in their history talk about the connection between the earth, nature and humans. The connection of all life. Enter humanoid robots. The first senerio involves Paro. Robotic baby harp seals used in hospital and nursing homes similar to pet therapy but not using a real animal. I can see the benefits of robotic pet therapy not using real animals because there could be allergy issues and less complications not having to feed, bathe, walk or change a litter box with a robot. I think my concern would be if the robots were used in lieu of human contact. Were we to turn over the physical and emotional needs of the elderly and the sick to be taken care of completely by robots, where is that taking us a society? Where will disconnection from the elderly and sickness lead us as a whole? Native Communities value the extended family. Extended families tend live in one home with grandparents caring for children. The elderly are valued and stay with family if possible.

Life, actual life has such value in Native communities. Though that is not to say that if an elderly native person in the hospital or nursing home were offered such a little seal that they would not take it or not be amused by the novelty of it; it may seem like a toy and they look kinda cute but again I think the danger lies in the substituiting human interation for robotic interation and the rest of the world or society thinking its ok to do so.

To be continued...

Late night January lament

2008-01-18T22:45:00.001-06:00

So, I think 2008 is going to be a long year. I started the year with a car accident. A little hydroplanning and ending up in a ditch in California in someone else's truck. I scared about ten years off my mom's life. No one was hurt nor was the truck hurt but still Mother Nature tried her best to keep us from coming back to Oklahoma. Torrential rains in CA, then ice, sleet and snow all the way home. And I wasn't allowed to drive again till TX.

Since then:
**I have had plumbing problems from hell.
**I have had such a problem with saying every little thing that pops into my head. And a great many inappropriate things pop into my head.
**My niece really wants to bite me.
**I agreed to be on a panel to discuss the Native American spiritual perspective on 3 different issues of robotics on Wednesday. That's right, robotics. (its a long story)
**I spent last night drinking beer and chopping lettuce for my church's Indian Taco Sale today.
**I spent last Sunday morning right before church with a dead body. Trying to arrange him into a presentable state before his family arrived. I am still not sure how I feel about this. My boss (not the DS) says I went beyond the call of duty on that one. I wish I had known that at the time.

And it is only January.

Me and my choices. Obviously I have gone insane. I thought I had hit rock bottom last year but apparently not.

On a completely unrelated topic, my therapist mentioned that I have a lot or maybe too much going on right now and that I am a little or a lot hard on myself. I told her this was not true but that perhaps society's just too lazy and people are not hard enough on themselves. Our standards have been lowered. I can't decide if I really mean this or was just trying to annoy my therapist. Hmmmmm....

A New First

2007-12-29T20:22:00.000-06:00

So the big horrible thing that I never wanted to have happen while I was a pastor, happened. I did my first funeral Dec 20. One of my elderly parishioners, her husband and her son died in a massive house fire. The service was for the three of them.

Jimmie, the son, went to a different church so the pastor of that church sorta took the lead. I was glad because I know nothing about funeral procedure. I didn't know Jimmie or Cecil, the husband. My parishioner was a women everyone called Aunt Sally.

Its weird. My father's first funeral was for the stillborn child of member of Aunt Sally's family. My mom's first funeral had been for Aunt Sally's sister. And now my first. They are a huge family but not all of them come to that church so I suppose it is not all that strange.

One of the cousins that I have known for years (he taught me how to drive, though he will deny it if asked) asked if my older brother planned to become a pastor because his family was tired of donating members for my family's first funerals. When I mentioned my niece or nephew might grow up and become clergy, he volunteered his gruff opinionated father for one of their first funerals. :)

I was very proud that I didn't cry during the funeral or the graveside service. I cried a little after it was over and I was standing by the three closed caskets waiting for everyone to leave.

I cried right in the middle my pastoral prayer during church the Sunday after they died. I felt so bad because my worship leader was one of Aunt Sally's family and she was not crying. She was just trying to get through the service. She seemed so brittle that I was afraid to touch her because I thought she would just fall apart. I am not good with the pastoral presence for my church so I had called in my mom and my dad, both former pastors of this church. The church members still consider both to still be their 'pastor'. I know I am not meant to be a pastor and I have let my bosses know this, but at this momment I did wish I was more than I am for my poor church.

So despite the fact that my mother used to drag me to tons of funerals, I had no idea there was so much 'procedure' for funerals. This family and funeral wasn't an Native family or funeral so that might have also had something to do with it.

I had no idea when I was suppose to be at the funeral home. I arrived about 45 mins early and found the funeral home freaking out cause I wasn't there yet. But when I assured them I was indeed there, I was led to a small conference room in the back where I waited for 45 mins till the service started. What was that about?

Then the other pastor who took the lead almost didn't let me participate and then all I did was mostly read scripture. I was assured by my boss that this was because I am female. Whatever. I also didn't know I was suppose be behind the hearse in the funeral procession. I messed up the procession cause I couldn't just go though a stop sign and the other cars thought that meant I wasn't in the procession. In my defense, the cars were way spaced out and I didn't try to stop at the stop sign. I just sorta slowed in confusion.

I am going to have to make a checklist for myself for future funerals.

Torn

2007-12-11T14:51:00.000-06:00

So we had to call church off Sunday, 12/9, due to raining ice. I know that is sleet but that small word does not seem to grasp the concept of a thunder storm with thunder and lighting and falling ice. I can't remember if sleet like this is a common thing here in Oklahoma. I have been gone too long.

So, we had to call church off. I was relieved. I had just flown in from NYC and a week of an intense Theology of Mission class, several interviews, seeing old friends and trying to figure out "What Jennifer Wants"

I interviewed for the Deaconess Program as well as the Church and Community worker program. A good move for me as of two weeks ago. And the interviews went really well, but a couple of factors have since popped up. But back to my church first.

So, we had to call church off Sunday. I was relieved but a part of me was really annoyed. It was the second Sunday in Advent and I had to miss last Sunday Dec 2 due to the New York trip so I didn't get to be there for the 1st Sunday in Advent. I am concerned that my church has no idea that Advent has started. I have no idea what Dec 2's preacher preached on. I hope she mentioned Advent had started. My church seems to be unconcerned with the liturgical calendar except for the big days. Christmas pageant day and Easter. I am worried that they haven't got the candles out and I wanted to preach about J the Baptist and prison. I visited a prison on Staten Island as part of the class in NYC.

But the other part of me will be tickled pink if I have to miss church for the entire month of Dec. I am hoping this is the case.

If I was actually split in two, things would go a lot better for me. Then I wouldn't have to choose. Part of me could stay and do the pastor thing and the other could leave Oklahoma guilt free.

So the question is easy, What Does Jennifer Want, but I find the answer is complicated. I want to be of service to my conference. That has always been my deepest desire. Or rather I want to be of service to the church really but that means my conference. I am proud of my upbringing, of how my conference, the people have helped shaped me into the person I have become. Not the unable to make a decision person but the one that have been in service to the church for this long and who survived Drew to get my MDiv. If it were not for my conference, I am not sure I would have even been in church service. I owe so much to them and I want to "give back."

But I was happy during my week in NYC. It wasn't easy, it never was. I hate being so far from my mom. I miss being surrounded by Indians. I feel misunderstood most of the time when I talk. But I was happy. I am not sure how and why.

My life is pressure.
It seems everyone has a firm opinion about the trajectory of my life.
My life has been lived in a fishbowl yet so many secrets have to be kept.
Church politics has always been apart of my life and I am a political person. I suppose some might say manipulative, even. All for Christ, though. :)

So, I want to be happy but I fear that the things that make me happy are unhealthy.
Or am I healthy because I can keep myself together despite all that pressure? I can survive in that type of environment. Maybe. I am going to go watch Psych and not think about this til tomorrow.

Running Down A Dream

2007-11-26T18:11:00.000-06:00

I should warn you that I am a little rambly and disjointed in this post. I blame the cold weather.

I attended another revival. It was at an old school Creek Church. My mom talked me into going and I kinda forgot the church was old school. We got there early-ish so there was no one seating anyone. So we sat on the second row until it was time to start. This guy walked up to us and pointed at us both and then pointed to the front. He didn't have that big stick but he didn't need it. It was sorta there in spirit. We didn't argue and quickly moved to the pews up front on the side of the pulpit.

I am still getting used to being a pastor. Other people are far more comfortable with my label than I am. I still cringe when someone refers to me as Rev.

Our preacher for the night was a young guy about 30. There are 3 of us in our early 30s in my conference. Almost everyone else is older than us by at least two decades. I still get freaked out by this fact.

The preacher preached without using his Bible. I was stunned. I mean, he had his Bible and made references to it but never actually opened it up. The church we were at prides itself on tradition. Doing things the way they have always done things and it well, old school. But that wasn't all. The preacher told this church that they needed to wake up and change if there were going to reach Native people of today. I was in front facing the pulpit too afraid to look to my right at the people in the church to see how they were taking it.

It was true, though. What he was preaching. Because I have been preaching it in my church. But even I, and I consider myself to be quite ballsy, would not have had the nerve to preach that message in that way to that church. It scared me a little but it inspired me as well. In fact, when the church asked me to bless the food afterwards and I literally had to choke back the sermon that wanted to come. I am still laughing about that. I almost got filled with the spirit praying for food.

I am headed for NYC this Saturday for a week and will miss Communion sunday. I don't mind missing the preaching but I will miss doing the Communion.

I am completly at a loss at what I am doing with the trajectory of my life. Part of me keeps thinking, what if I am wrong. The other part is saying lighten up. I keep thinking back to the last 7-8 years of my life. If anything, I have learned that I do not HAVE TO keep a job that is detrimental to me or my health. I do not HAVE TO do anything. I do not HAVE TO keep a job that makes me unhappy. I am in pursuit of a job that does not make me unhappy. I don't know if I am pursuing happiness but I do know I don't HAVE TO be unhappy. But what if I am wrong. I guess I could turn out to be wrong but in the end I will be glad that I took the time and effort to find out. I am worth the effort to find out if there is something more.

Oklahoma

2007-11-05T14:06:00.000-06:00

I will admit that I am quite embarrassed to be living in the state of Oklahoma for several reasons.

The centennial celebration. So, this is the place that a large number of tribes got shoved into over a hundred years ago. And a hundred years ago the government broke yet more treaties and opened up the state to settlers. Indians aren’t really in a celebratory mood about the anniversary of this betrayal.

Ironically, Oklahoma passed HB 1804 regarding the “illegal” entry of people from Mexico and Central America. It makes it illegal to knowingly transport illegal aliens, and creates barriers to hiring illegal aliens. It also requires state contractors to check the immigration status of workers and requires proof of citizenship for those applying for certain government benefits.

So merely helping someone who is “illegal” can land you in jail here. I am pleased to see that many church folk are speaking out and saying if merely helping other people lands them in jail then, they would rather go to jail.

But I was embarassed to see Oklahoma on CNN and to know that this stupid HB is what people will know us by. Sigh.

Revival

2007-10-18T13:25:00.000-05:00

So I am on vacation. One week of not having to stress out about preaching on Sunday. I was suppose to be in NJ but a mix-up of dates has caused me to be still here in Oklahoma. But its not all that bad. I am sorting through house things that have not been sorted through and taken care of since I moved in. I finally arranged to get a landline and wireless Internet. And I am getting my office truly organized to my specifications. Doesn't quite sound like a vacation but I have been too busy to do it before now. And I feel better now that I have started working on it.

So I am feeling pretty good and productive. I felt so good that I went to a revival at a nearby church on Tuesday and Wednesday. My adult church had been asked to do devotions on Tuesday and to my utter surprise 7 of my 25-30 members showed up. I was expecting and would have been pleased if the usual 4 had shown up close to on-time.

Now, I have been to many revivals in the past but never as a pastor. Indian churches are kinda different. Some are what I would call old school churches and they have appointed people at the entrance of the church, sorta like greeters. The difference is that these people (usually men) have big sticks, or canes and they seat you. Or rather they point to the place where you are to sit. And you go sit there. Mainly because they have the big stick. I remember a old choctaw church that had a old lady who was this greeter person who used to try to swat me and the other children who went in and out of the chuch during service. Usually old school churches seat men and women separate. And all the pastors are directed to sit up front. I have yet to be in this situation but I am a little nervous about it.

This particular church was not old school;it is an urban church. But they do an alter call or call to discipleship after the message and it is custom for all the pastors present to come to the alter area to pray with people needing prayer. I was a little nervous about this as well. There were no alter people on Tuesday but Wednesday, after Wednesday's preacher opened the alter, it looked like 2 pews of people rose and headed to the rail.

I was one of only three pastors present so I knew I was needed up there. So I went trying to figure out which person to pray with (first come first serve? What if they all got there at the same time?) and what the heck would I say? I finally settled on a young lady sobbing quietly on the end. I don't really have any philosophies about alter call pastor behavior so I simply knelt next to her, mirrored her arms and hands so that we were touching. Then I asked her if I could pray with her about what was burdening her. She told me and I prayed with her. When I finished the prayer, I was going to leave but she didn't leave so I stayed and wondered of she was maybe expecting words of encouragement. This is what I get for having not gone to the alter during my youth...

So I spoke some words of what I hope to God were encouragement to her and then she left. By this point I was kinda feeling some pain in my knees from kneeling there for so long and I was also feeling like perhaps I had inadequately conveyed God's grace to the young lady. I was at the alter thinking and feeling all this when a little head pops up on the other side of the alter. A little girl with pigtails about 3 years old. She smiled at me so that I automatically smiled back and said hi. Another head pops up. Another little girl. I say hi to her too and I am thinking maybe I should ask if they want me to pray with them. I figured they belonged to the woman nearby praying with another pastor, but you never know. They might want prayer too, right? So I leaned in and strangely they leaned in to me still smiling like we were about to share some great secrets but then an older sibling came and took them by the hand before I can speak. They left the alter waving bye to me and laughing. I honestly don't think I have ever felt a joy like this so near the alter. Little kids rock!! I am thinking about doing alter calls for the kids at the Clinton church.

Tooth Fairy

2007-10-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

I had a really nice long blog prepared, or I was preparing a nice one but I grew weary of checking that all my fact were indeed correct. Its now the 3rd or forth blog stuck in the "Save Now" section of my blog.

Ya know, when I started this blog I had lots of interesting things to say and think about but now I find I am happy merely sitting in my chair in the living room and staring endlessly at my toes. (They are painted silver) I am hoping it is just a phase but you never know with me. I am currently in my chair pretending that my jaw doesn't hurt. I got a wisdom tooth pulled and it was a "doozy" as my nutty dentist kept saying. I can feel my eye twitching.

Oh, yes, I was brave for about ten minutes regarding changing my life. Being brave is kinda easy, I find that I not afraid of being brave, I am just lazy. Hence, the chair sitting.

Tomorrow I am off to Nashville for a meeting. I am not really sure what the meeting is about but it was a plane ride somewhere and I have just been sitting in my chair so I figured I should go. I am now kinda worried because I am recalling a message left by the person wanting me to go and I think he said something about talking about my persepective on something...I'd call him but I think he is in New York. Whatever, as long as I am out of the chair.

I think the tooth drugs have kicked in...

Fear and loathing

2007-09-28T20:10:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine likens his search for his true vocation to a search for a movie in a video store. He is fairly certain that he is in the right genre but he can't decide on the actual movie. I understand this perfectly. I also feel that I am in the right genre I just can't find the right movie. The movie I have is not the thing. I am fairly certain I would feel it was the right thing if it was indeed the right thing. Does everyone feel like this? But I feel guilty about my lack of satisfaction with my current choice. This is the mass' favorite role of religious genre in my neck of the woods and though I like to think that I am capable of winning fights against nature, I am aware that I am insecure and if I am not backed up...I will give in. That and i am tired of fighting. Which is saying something. I tend to think that I am a warrior but I feel like I am a deeply wounded warrior in need of healing and rest. Yeah, who has time for that? Tomorrow I will make a choice about my future, a choice that will change the trajectory that my life has been taking, I will be brave and do this. I think perhaps I should be looking in the Sundance channel movie section. Tomorrow. I can be brave tomorrow. Just watch me. :)

2007-08-23T11:32:00.000-05:00

I am a double preacher's kid so I am not ignorant to the ways of the church. I have seen my both of my parents, as my mother puts it, "preach the hell out" of their people. I haven seen their insecurities and doubts about a sermon and I have always thought that I would not need the people to let me know whether or not I preached a good sermon. And I suppose I don't. I know when I did a good job. I did a good job last week. Two weeks before that I kicked ass. I know this.

I don't need accolades but I admit I suppose I thought I would see a change. Maybe its just arrrogrance and I like to think I am planting seeds. But I am left wondering if I am being understood or just making a lot of noise. Hmmmmm...I suppose I should just let God handle the part of reaching people and me just making a joyful noise to the lord?

2007-07-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

So the word for the month is "performance anxiety". I admit I am surprised that I seem to be afflicted with it, though I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I started the new church two Sundays ago. The first Sunday was kinda cool. My dad and my older brother came out for me. I had trouble with the sermon topic, or really I had trouble with Elijah lying under the bush wishing for death. I think my own journey parallels Elijah, except for my colleges being dead and some of the other stuff, but the rest maybe. Hard work dealing with my issues and writing a sermon for the masses. But the masses enjoyed it. My father said I was "good".

Week two is when "performance anxiety" really struck. I scrambled all week because I still hadn't finished with me and Elijah and I couldn't think of a dang thing to say to the masses. So for week three? The answer? I am going with "Discipline" Start early as possible and see if there is improvement. I hate to not do well at anything I do.

Despite my emerging pastoral yearnings, I fear that I am also getting bored. Or stressed out. they feel the same? The church parsonage is cute but was infested with roaches. "infestation" is an understatment. I have hosed the place down several times with various bug poisons. But I haven't moved yet. (move day was June 19) I am still in Jenks with my mom. So I have two churches, one three hours from me and one hour and a half. I am tired of driving.

The good stuff? I finally got to go to Clergy family camp! It is a three-day mini vacation/retreat for pastors and their families in my conference (Oklahoma Indian Missionary). I haven't been in OK to go with my mom as family but she would tell me about it every year. They get to weave baskets (hey, we're indians. of course we get to weave baskets), make silver jewlery, wooden flutes, and the like. Its like summer camp for clergy. They even went ot Branson, Misouri one year. I made a funny shaped basket that I am very proud of. I lacked the attention span for making a wooden flute but the master flute guy gave me a finished one on the last day. I also found out that I really am one of youngest pastors by at least a decade.

But there were plenty of single women pastors there. They had a running joke about wanting to marry a guy that does carpentry work because of the state our parsonages are usually in and the fact that we are all too busy to fix the houses our selves. Well, I will admit that I am not handy with the nail and hammer. I really wish this wasn't so but it is. If I build something, and I will follow all the directions, it will still wobble and my mom or my older brother will have to come and fix it for me. I am disgusted with myself on this lack of talent. It would be handy so I could make improvements in my new house. Though I do plan to become friendly with the Home Depot people over the next year. :)

Background prt2

2007-06-19T12:03:00.000-05:00

The other church I was offered was the church that currently also holds my membership. It was the my father's first church out of seminary. It was also the church that recomended my mom for ministry. As well as me. So I went back to my DS said, I think I want these two churches. Strangely enough, I haven't paniced and I have also be exhibiting some pastor like qualities which I am very suspicious of. I have never had the desire to be a pastor. Since I was 4-ish I have wanted to be a missionary (as a four year old I defined a missionary as "someone who works with the church") Plus after being a preacher's kid, I am certainly tired of trying to live up to the chruch's impossible standards for clergy and their families.

I have been at Clinton since Feb 07 and will start Billy Hooton Memorial UMC on June 20, 2007.

I have been trying to convince God that I do not have the right temperment to be an efffective pastor. The Lord is not listening. And as I find that I am actually wanting to visit a parishiner in the hospital and do a home visit to another parishiner, I really don't know what to make of myself anymore. Good Lord, who have I become?

Background- prt1

2007-06-18T13:46:00.000-05:00

I graduated from Drew Theological School with my Master’s of Divinity in October ’06. I came home (to my mom) to Oklahoma to recover from the last year and a half. My mom is also my DS (she is my boss). As a result, I have been the pastor of Clinton Indian Mission UMC since Feb 07. It is a tiny church in Clinton, OK, about 3 hours from Jenks, where I live. (I reasoned that it was ok because my last two semesters at Drew I drove 3 hours to South Jersey to intern at a Native American church, the only Native American church in the New Jersey Annual Conference. Granted, they rented me a hotel room but I figured it wouldn't be all that hard. I was wrong. I’m really tired.)

Up until that point in Feb the DS (my mom) and other people had been taken turns every Sunday to have church. I think normally it would have been shut down but when the Conference Superintendent visited the church these two young guys where milling about and asked him if there was going to be church that day. His heart was strangely warmed and he said yes, there was going to be church that day.

Then these two little girls started coming regularly. Every Sunday. My mom was tired of driving all that way (3 hours) and she was praying for a reason to keep going or to close it down. But during the brief service, one of the little girls prayed and thanked God for her church. My mother no doubt thought “damn it”, but she worked hard to find someone to go to this church. Me.

I, in the meantime, had been coming off of severe depression and working as a cashier at a 24-hour Grocery Store. Long story short…I tried to file a racial harassment complaint against one of the Deans at Drew and everything didn’t go well. To my credit, I knew it wouldn’t. I actually tried to file a straight harassment complaint but there was no way to do so, or so I was told. I try to stay away from racism complaints because no one knows how to handle them… I knew it was going to be bad, but I reasoned that since it was already bad for me without telling people what happened, I might as well try. I was already a basket case.

By the time Jan 07 came around, I had already turned down the many previous offers of churches from her but I had been thinking of Martin Luther. No, not Martin Luther King, Jr. Martin Luther, the German theologian/priest. I was thinking of a story from his early monastic years. I can’t find the story now but straining my memory of history class, Luther was going through moments of doubt of faith and his superior decided to send Luther off to teach the Bible. That teaching the bible would help his faith. Severe depression…doubting your faith, looks the same right. Quack. So I decided that I would take the church of two children and if anything it would get me moving. Driving anyway. And it was suppose to be just til June.

My DS offered me Clinton as an appointment for a year. I turned her down. Later she came back and offered me another church as well as Clinton. I said no but started thinking.
To be Con’t...